How to navigate MIL

[Mochipuff]

Hi, looking for advice please, and whether we are being unreasonable.

I have recently found out I'm pregnant after trying for around 14 months. We are obviously over the moon. I can't quite believe it.😅

I had a 7 week early viability scan last week which showed a heart beat, but
I am aware of miscarriage statistics, and conscious to keep this pregnancy to ourselves until we pass the 12 week mark/scan.

I have extremely bad nausea,sickness and fatigue, not to mention my huge bloated belly and boobs. Pretty much been spending the past week in bed as it's gotten the better of me.

However here is our problem.. MIL had arranged to come to our house with BIL and his wife, and also my DH's auntie (who is visiting from Korea).

This would be before the 12 week mark, so we've asked them to come any weekend after the 12 week mark instead.

This would mean we could tell them the news, and hopefully symptoms would simmer down by then anyway. I don't see how I could hide my symptoms if they visited when they planned originally (week 9).

MIL is questioning this, and wants to know exactly why we can't do any date before then, questioning if it's something bad and demanding a phone call etc.

We don't really know what to say apart from 'we're sorry but we can't do those dates anymore' but she isn't buying it.

Are we being unreasonable to not tell her why and move the date?

For context, DH isn't close to his family at all, and has only seen them maybe 3(?) times in the last few years. However, I appreciate an auntie is visiting from Korea, which is making us feel bad and unsure how to navigate it, he hasn't seen/spoken to his auntie since he was 5, when he left Korea himself.

Congratulations!

If your MiL was abusive to your DH while he was growing up why would you want to begin a relationship with her when your DH is very distant to his own mother?
When you say that they were due to come to your house, does that mean stay over in your house or does it mean visit during the day and they are staying/sleeping elsewhere?
If it's the latter, then I'd crack on with the visit and just be apologetic if you have to step out or go upstairs and I wouldn't actually tell them anything while they would be visiting which means that you can still stick to your 12 week mark of telling them. Just as there is no hard and fast rule about sharing this information around the 12 week mark, there is also no rule to say you have to share it before/after that time either! Some people wait until half way through the pregnancy, some are so excited that they share at 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. It's each to their own.
I'm still coming back though to the mother who was abusive to her son and you want to establish a friendship/relationship with her....why?????

Thank you, I don't want to derail the original point of the thread, but DH wanted to try develop a better relationship with his mum and his brother this year. It hasn't really happened minus a few telephone calls. I have my own opinion of them both, but I am happy to support DH if he wanted to try build something back up with them.

We didn't really expect her to be so insistent and questioning, and don't know why she's kicking up a fuss for a simple date change. It seems over dramatic.

Anyway, I will let him read this thread and leave the decision upto him if he still wants to call it off.

I'd either let it go ahead as planned and bow out in bed sick the whole time they were there - caught something from work sort of sickness. D&V bug might make them leave! Or use work / prior commitments to reschedule the weekend.

Personally considering your relationship with his family I wouldn't give them the honour of being told your are pregnant anyway.

Hope you feel better soon.....I had morning sickness (all day sickness) for 41 weeks with my first and 39 with my second so fingers crossed you feel better after 12 weeks.

It's all very personal and up to you. And you've given good context as to why you might not want to share such good news with them when it's your own special time.

My only comment is about the 12 week mark. Having miscarried, I really do wish I'd told people sooner. Not as soon as I found out at all, as it's a precious time for me and DH, but if it's 12 weeks purely due to risks, then perhaps something you may want to reflect on. Equally, if you're feeling rough, people knowing means you get more support.

That my personal experience and my personal view. I wish you all the best and huge congratulations.

All the major organs are formed by about 12 weeks. That's why scans are scheduled for then. Sickness starts to die down from 12 weeks too. So many judgmental people!

You could say you're on antibiotics and can't drink/feel unwell. Stick to your guns.

Also, congratulations!!!

While the decision when to reveal your pregnancy must of course be yours, it may be worth researching the statistics for miscarriage after a heartbeat has been found.

For many expectant mothers the 12 week scan is their first scan, and therefore the first point at which a missed miscarriage may show up. However, my understanding (based on information I was given during my pregnancies, which were higher risk) is that where an earlier scan has already found a heartbeat, your chances of the pregnancy being viable are increased.

You will no doubt find people on Mumsnet who have very sadly had a different experience. But I just wanted to provide some balance, and hopefully also help you to feel more positive. Good luck with everything

It's your choice when you have visitors and when you tell people.

It's your choice to say no to particular dates.

You can say you will both have annual leave available after a certain date, and will be pleased to see them then, which will be true. No need to lie, which she'd pick up on.

Keep saying that. She may be worried, aware something's up, or just nosy.

Don't invite Mil at all if she abused your DH when he was growing up! You shouldn't involve a woman like that in your child's life. You say Mil has invited your DH's brother, his SIL and his auntie he hasn't seen since he was a child to your house? Why have you agreed? Just say no. They can stay with your nasty Mil.

I didn't tell anyone until after the 12 week mark because I didn't want to celebrate being pregnant and then have to tell everyone sad news if I miscarried. I thankfully didn't miscarry.

I think it’s reasonable, given your DH and his mum aren’t close, for your DH to just say something along the lines of - “Look mum, we can’t do the other dates, I’m not getting into why. But we would love to see you on XXX or after.” And not really engage with the matter further just repeat “I’ve told you I’m not getting into why.” (Adding “If that’s all you have to talk about I’m going to put the phone down and get on with my day.” If she just keeps on.) Your MiL doesn’t have to “buy it”. You can just be clear that you aren’t going to tell her why and refuse to engage. It may alter the relationship, but that’s what enforcing boundaries is intended to do.

But if she was abusive when he was young and now when he’s trying to establish a closer relationship she starts pushing at anything where he doesn’t capitulate, then his plan to call it off instead of having to consistently enforce this boundary so they can meet up later is probably a good one. I don’t think it’s your place to be pushing for a postponement instead if that’s not what he wants. Pressuring people, even in a very low key way, to accommodate their abusers against their better instincts is not normally a good way to support them.