Where did it all go wrong for you?

[Woodstocks]

Hello all,

there have been so many threads here recently where women are absolutely exhausted and run down by their partners and families. Mainly because a lot of the husbands don’t seem to be as involved as they need to be. Some even downright vile and horrible to their wives!

But at some point obviously things were good enough to marry- what has changed and can you pinpoint when it began?

I am in a relationship and things are good but I am mindful that things can change and you never expect it.

I don't think anything necessarily changes dramatically, there were probably red flags from the start which were ignored or forgiven until it became too much

Did it happen to you?

I've had my fair share of rubbish boyfriends, I know how easy it is to overlook bad behaviour when you love someone

For me in my first relationship it was when I gave up FT work and instead did bank work, being home more meant I took on most household chores, when I restarted FT I was still expected to do everything I’d done PT.
2nd relationship went down hill after birth of DD… again expected to do everything 24/7
and in his days off he was ‘off’ or ‘I’m on holiday!’ So I resented that! Sure he worked, but when he was home he did F all… I was on call 24/7 and was shattered!!

It seems like the main issue revolves around sharing household chores and support. Clear communication and setting boundaries could help prevent such strains in relationships.

More proof that this board https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships is invisible to so many posters.

YABU @Woodstocks

Hopefully this thread will be helpful, and so well-placed in AIBU because more will see it. Not only for the women who are ending up in this situation, but also for the women having a go at them and blaming them for it. The responses to women 'why did you have a child with this man?' 'why are you still with such a loser?' are really depressing. The question should be 'how can we help you?'.

I slipped into an abusive marriage. I wasn't looking for one, not even for a marriage particularly. I had this idea of a happy family that seemed to be achievable, maybe like the books where it just happened. When it wasn't working out I thought it's ok, we love each other and will get through this; it's my fault I'm obviously getting it wrong, etc.

I only saw it when I suddenly saw it, clear as day, like scales lifting. I had had some input from others, and did an assertiveness course almost by accident, and then finally it all came together. tbh, I'm not sure at what point it actually went wrong, I just know where it went right! Kindness and solidarity from female friends helped me through. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had got even more guilt and shame from them.

When I had my three children very close together I knew life was going to be hard. My DH had always done a lot of sport but somehow when the eldest reached 4 this accelerated. He and his friends decided to start training for Ironman.
When I look back I really wonder what on earth he was thinking.
Training for swimming, running and cycling was all consuming. When he was at home he was amazing.
But so often he wasn't there. Training every night apart from two. All day one day of the weekend and half the next.

Then the preparation races where he would be away all day.

Then the actual events - where he would go abroad. Always for a week and on a few occasions two weeks.
Then there was me - with three kids under 4!
He was away so often that my eldest son really never considered him. So when he was here he had absolutely no interest in him. None of them did.

For my DH I think the reality struck him that his wife and three children had a life entirely separate to him and that his children treated him like a random stranger.

He got injured and had to have time with us forced upon him. And no one wanted him.

We had become our own secure group.
So then he just stopped. I think it really shook him. Now he's a great dad and a very good husband. But the damage is done and he says that he knows I'm perfectly fine without him.

Whenever I see a man competing or doing some stupid walk/swim/cycle across the country challenge I think the real hero is the woman at home looking after the kids while he wanks about in lycra.

People are content to overlook the 'bad habits' in their new partner and underestimate their partner's willingness to change. At the start of a relationship, many women seem to want to please their new partner which sets a pattern. And a lot of men never really grow up. The slow realisation that your parents are people with their own lives and feelings, and are not there just for you never dawns on them. And again, that sets a pattern for when they get a partner.

I know two ultramarathoners. One is divorced for exactly this reason — his wife just got sick of raising three kids alone. The other is single and childfree by choice, so that he can arrange his life and business around his training and events. He says, quite reasonably, that while he’d like a relationship, he doesn’t see how children could work.

I think in a lot of cases it's lack of foresight, what some can forgive in a boyfriend is harder to live with in a husband, and is dreadful when you have children. I had a friend who just used to brush so many things under the carpet and her life was a complete mess. I don't have a carpet to brush things under, my brain doesn't work like that and after seeing her life I'm so pleased it doesn't.

My first husband's change of career killed our marriage. We were both to blame with hindsight. He got a very good job but working shifts. He became a workaholic, was hardly ever home. I liked the money but used it for going out & building my own life, saw my friends more than him. I became resentful but never really told him because if I'm honest, I liked the money. Woke up five years later, felt lonely and left. We didn't talk it through enough. I learnt so much from it and have been in my second marriage 18 years & still really happy.

I think we overlook the faults because of the positives, or don't think we deserve better. We delude ourselves it's all ok. Then, when life gets harder (kids, illness, redundancy, bereavement) the cracks start to show.

I know women who have been with partners for years; always moaning about them, calling them 'manchild', seemingly unable to have an adult discussion with them to find out what each other is feeling - and then marrying them! I feel like screaming at them sometimes.

Bad behaviour is not necessarily abuse.

I had my arse soundly handed to me on a similar thread once. Apparently it’s because there are too few decent blokes going around so if you want a relationship odds are you just have to put up with an arse. The alternative is apparently being single and childless forever, not setting boundaries for yourself.

I didn't have kids in part because I knew it's a choice between that and an equal and fun adult relationship.

I imagine some people manage both but I dont think it's common.

I re-met a man from school when was 27, we went out partying , drinking and going to gigs. We were basically living like students. I loved his company and a few years passed and we mentioned having children in the future. I came off the pill at 31, on my 32rd birthday we got engaged and 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
That was 7 years ago, life has been downhill since.
The turning point was definitely DD being born.
We could no longer be the careless selfish party animals we once were. We had responsibility.
I had to change my lifestyle -he didn't (as much).
I had severe PND, our families fell out, resentment has been there for years now but we don't split up because of our daughter and finances. Sad but true.

I basically got pregnant quickly and by accident without really thinking how it would pan out. We had bad arguments before so I should have known it wouldn't get better after a child.

My advice would be if you plan to have children with someone, make sure they are not selfish and you are on the same page. It helps if your families get on aswell x

Based on what people recount on here, you would think it was as mythical as unicorns, but in fact I have had a strong, equal partnership before and after children, possibly helped by having been together a long time before having children, and being older when we had DS. Our various circles also holding up well in equality stakes. Things that may have contributed — no SAHMS (though one SAHD for a couple years as a trailing spouse, and one longterm SAHD due to illness), and nearly everyone postponing having children till 35+ when they had more money and flexibility at work

It's quite easy to walk into these kinds of relationships. Especially when you're young and inexperienced, as it was for me.

Had two children fairly young to my first ever long term relationship. He lived his life as it always had been, work, hobbies, mates etc. Whilst mine changed completely. I looked after the children and did absolutely everything in the house. When he failed to pay bills, I would pick that up too. He barely spent any time with us and even when home, would be in a separate room.

I was very fiery and would argue a lot, but his stone cold indifference to us meant I had to do everything, or it would never be done.

One day, as I was picking up his dirty clothes from the stairs, that he had discarded on his way up to shower... I realised how pathetic I had become.

The next time he had a tantrum and packed his stuff, I let him leave and refused to have him back.

I had been a single mum working full time for several years when I met DH. He was kind and reliable, but even then I laid out very strict ground rules regarding division of chores, bills and how I expected to be treated if he moved in. He agreed. We've been happily married for 15 years with more DC in that time. He is very much an equal parent and as such, I don't resent him as the early baby days were never left to just me as they had been before.

I am 'harder' since that first relationship and don't let myself be treated poorly and absolutely would not accept anything less than fair in the house/childcare stakes. But DH agrees so it's very, very rarely been an issue.

Sadly, sometimes it does take being treated poorly for some of us to raise our standards.

If things are good now, as you say, they may well never change, so who go looking for trouble?

What was the assertiveness course if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like it was useful for you. I can be assertive, but not always in the best way 🙈

Getting married

You are correct!

My ex was a workaholic when I met him. I actually admired how hardworking and dedicated he was. At least until I returned to work after DD and he figured he could carry as if nothing much had changed in his life.

I knew he was selfish from the beginning. I allowed myself to hope that he'd change. That was a risky gamble that didn't pay off. My mistake.