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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where did it all go wrong for you?

35 replies

Woodstocks · 02/07/2024 08:08

Hello all,

there have been so many threads here recently where women are absolutely exhausted and run down by their partners and families. Mainly because a lot of the husbands don’t seem to be as involved as they need to be. Some even downright vile and horrible to their wives!

But at some point obviously things were good enough to marry- what has changed and can you pinpoint when it began?

I am in a relationship and things are good but I am mindful that things can change and you never expect it.

OP posts:
heartbrokenof · 02/07/2024 18:03

Having a second child

Switcher · 02/07/2024 18:07

I wouldn't say things have gone wrong exactly. It just wears me down a bit. I work full time, he doesn't work as he looks after our 3 DC. But I still buy, plan, book, confirm, pay for absolutely everything. Clothes, food, cooking, holidays, school trips, GP appointments, playdates, birthdays. I've managed to give him MOTs and dentist appointments for the kids, that's it. I don't mind that though. I mind that when I book this stuff, I check with him first and then send him the confirmations, plans, itineraries and he'll show up in the wrong place at the wrong time because he couldn't be arsed to check.

MermaidEyes · 02/07/2024 18:19

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2024 08:09

I don't think anything necessarily changes dramatically, there were probably red flags from the start which were ignored or forgiven until it became too much

Having had two friends in situations like this, I totally agree. They overlooked the stuff the rest of us weren't prepared to.

unsync · 02/07/2024 18:24

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2024 08:09

I don't think anything necessarily changes dramatically, there were probably red flags from the start which were ignored or forgiven until it became too much

For me, it was this. Huge power imbalance from the start and I was too young / enamoured / naive to realise.

GalacticalFarce · 02/07/2024 18:30

CranfordScones · 02/07/2024 08:52

People are content to overlook the 'bad habits' in their new partner and underestimate their partner's willingness to change. At the start of a relationship, many women seem to want to please their new partner which sets a pattern. And a lot of men never really grow up. The slow realisation that your parents are people with their own lives and feelings, and are not there just for you never dawns on them. And again, that sets a pattern for when they get a partner.

Yes this. I suspect the red flags are already there but they don't seem to be too much of a big deal because it's just the two of you and everything is easy.
Plus, he seems decent enough so surely he'll love you and your future children and change.
But that doesn't happen.

RaraRachael · 02/07/2024 18:50

I got fed up of doing absolutely everything - working full time in up to 5 schools, all cooking and housework, homework and taking to clubs etc.

He came in from work at 8, ate dinner then fell asleep till bedtime.

My mother totally took his side saying that was what I should expect to do.

How the fuck I stayed for 25 years goodness knows

Howsentimental · 02/07/2024 19:05

I feel like I'm getting there now but it started around when my child turned 3, they're 4.5 now. We also married around a year ago too and it's just been awful.
He's drinking more, moody, tempers, no drive to do anything, overweight, face constantly stuck in his phone and just full of bad habits. Refuses to do anything to improve himself and it's absolutely exhausting picking up the slack on top of being the default parent. And wonders why I lose my temper at home and I don't want to have sex anymore.
I think we can work through it but it'll need some work..

LondonLass61 · 02/07/2024 19:09

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 02/07/2024 08:35

Hopefully this thread will be helpful, and so well-placed in AIBU because more will see it. Not only for the women who are ending up in this situation, but also for the women having a go at them and blaming them for it. The responses to women 'why did you have a child with this man?' 'why are you still with such a loser?' are really depressing. The question should be 'how can we help you?'.

I slipped into an abusive marriage. I wasn't looking for one, not even for a marriage particularly. I had this idea of a happy family that seemed to be achievable, maybe like the books where it just happened. When it wasn't working out I thought it's ok, we love each other and will get through this; it's my fault I'm obviously getting it wrong, etc.

I only saw it when I suddenly saw it, clear as day, like scales lifting. I had had some input from others, and did an assertiveness course almost by accident, and then finally it all came together. tbh, I'm not sure at what point it actually went wrong, I just know where it went right! Kindness and solidarity from female friends helped me through. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had got even more guilt and shame from them.

I agree with you. However, I remember telling a really smug acquaintance that I was divorcing ex and her saying 'anyone could see that was going to fail'. It really made me feel like a fool for trying.
Her husband is a shit too.

Emilyjayne942 · 02/07/2024 19:22

This is my personal experience. Things went wrong in my marriage because we had too much on our plates. We had three kids (which we don’t regret at all) but also both work full time, as well as me studying every evening. We stopped communicating and started snapping at each which led to resentment and arguing. Luckily we realised things were bad a few months ago and made changes and began to talk, and lessened our working hours and the amount I was studying. Sometimes life gets in the way and you have to prioritise what’s important. Luckily we’re back on track now. However, we both recognised things were bad and were both committed to making it better, and there has never been an imbalance regarding housework child care etc.

VotesAndGoats · 02/07/2024 19:25

RJnomore1 · 02/07/2024 12:51

I had my arse soundly handed to me on a similar thread once. Apparently it’s because there are too few decent blokes going around so if you want a relationship odds are you just have to put up with an arse. The alternative is apparently being single and childless forever, not setting boundaries for yourself.

To be honest the longer you are single the easier it is to know your own boundaries and to respect someone else's.

It's a hard lesson I have learned but we're ultimately all just flawed individuals muddling through life.

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