To not know what to do

[thegreenlight]

my husband and I have been together since we were 15, we are both now 41.

We have been through a lot in the last 2 years, a renovation where the builders took our money leaving my husband to finish the work, I lost my dad and my children are tricky as are both autistic and are struggling in school.

I went away for a week on a residential and came back to find my husband had been considering leaving me. This has come as a bolt from the blue. I also found he had been on gay and trans dating sites. He tells me this was pure escapism and he deleted them after realising he was having a mid-life crisis.

He seems to think that I need to just accept things as they are. I’m staying to help him but he is cold and not the same.

I love him very much - he now says our relationship is the only good thing but I’m not made to feel that. I don’t trust him as there have been a few things since which feel dodgy to me. He’s not doing anything to work on the relationship and I feel I am just being a door mat to keep the peace. I need to know where we are and if we have a future.

I know everyone will say LTB but we have been through so much, I can’t imagine life without him.

I think you both need therapy. Separately. If you can afford it.

You say you love him but he's cold, looking into other sex stuff, doing nothing to work on the relationship. What are your boundaries for what you'll accept or not accept?

When you've been together basically since you were children, it seems unimaginable to split because you've never been an adult by yourself. But it is doable.

I'm not telling you to split, I'm saying work out what you want, see if it's on the table and be open to the idea that it has run its course. You'd survive. Don't be willing to accept a relationship however paltry just because it's all you've ever known. Value yourself.

I’m trying to support him though this - he says that he is burnt out by having to do the house. It has been awful and he has worked really hard. Our children are so difficult too. He said he just wanted to run away and that’s why he went on the chats. He said he’s relived that I found them so he could talk about it. He booked a day off today without telling me and seems to think everything can go back to normal as it is all about how he feels and him putting himself first.

we were honestly fine before I left - it’s come from nowhere. I have no boundaries. I’m such a walk over. I don’t think I can do it on my own as the renovation has bankrupted us nearly!

I feel quite sorry for both of you. Your husband is obviously struggling a lot with his sexuality (which, given that you’ve been together since you were 15, he’s obviously been trying to repress for a long time). He’s clearly either gay or bi and has been in denial about that for a very long time. That must be very difficult and takes a huge mental toll on anyone.

At the same time, this obviously has a massive impact on you and is devastating for your marriage. And obviously it’s incredibly difficult for you if he won’t bloody talk or engage about it.

You can’t go on like this. I think maybe counselling (separately as well as together) might be a good idea if you want to move forward, but honestly, if your husband is gay then I think you need to look at separating while it can still be amicable.

He says he is definitely not gay - I think it’s because he is fixated on anal sex (which is practically the only way he will have sex with me and enjoy it which has caused problems over the years as it hurts) god when I say that I sounds awful. He said he felt so out of sorts that he was trying to work out what is wrong and though maybe he was gay. He said he is not sexually attracted to men. The porn he watches is women having anal. Maybe he thinks that he is not cheating if it’s not another woman?

Being burned out doesn’t suddenly change your sexuality. If he’s looking at gay/trans (and I’m assuming trans women, so again male) porn/chats, evidently this has been going on a long while. It’s completely unfair that he thinks it’s now fine because it’s out in the open, this is gaslighting you if he eventually takes it further. He will say ‘well you knew I was exploring that part of myself and you stayed’. It would be different if he was having an open conversation with you, which he needs to do. Shutting down completely is unfair to you, he has no right to leave you questioning your future on his whims of deciding it’s fine or not.

He downloaded the app the week I was away (he says - the dates say a week before) so I don’t think it has been going on for that long. I hope.

When I’m with him I just want to cling on - when I’m away I question whether separation is the only way forward. It would destroy my boys.

I think you need to let him go I know it's incredibly sad for you but can you imagine he is having to live a lie because he prefers men so it must be incredibly difficult for him too. Unless you can work a way to stay together but you can both see someone else.

Cross post. If this is for real he absolutely is sexually abusive and using you for his ‘confused’ wants. He’s not confused, this isn’t typical behaviour of a man in a heterosexual relationship. There’s nothing wrong with anal in a straight relationship as long as it’s consenting/planned/safe etc. This is none of that.

I really don’t think he is gay. Really. I can’t say how I know, I just do.

It does sound awful op, sex should be mutually pleasurable. This is why counselling might help - even a few sessions would probably bring things out where you think 'why have I been living like this for so long'?

People on here always talk about the script. Maybe it's this? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

Basically when a man wants to back out of a commitment to a relationship, they can't handle admitting to it and so wriggle and manipulate to make it look like it's not their fault and they've tried so hard but the wife has done something. He's checked out and is not working on the relationship. That's in his hands, not yours. All you can do is draw a line at what you're prepared to accept.

Honestly I'd find a way to end the relationship but share parenting of your kids in the healthiest possible way. You don't want him to swan off to do mid life sexual exploration while you put in the hard graft with your kids.

The sex is safe and consensual. It’s just always felt a bit of a pressure as he likes it best and I want him to be happy and enjoy sex with me.

I don't think it matters if he's gay. Most people have a mix of attraction to different people. What matters is he doesn't seem to want to be 100% with you. And tbh your sex life sounds entirely unfulfilling for you.

It’s not safe to be constantly having painful anal as a woman. It’s not consensual if you’re only doing it to please him. And he’s not straight if he’s actively looking for sexual gratification from other men, online or through using you.

The only way he can enjoy sex with you is anally which emulates the porn he watches, hurts you, and which you feel pressured into.

Gently, OP, fucking run. This is awful abuse.

And anal sex is not safe for women.

I’ve never been with anyone else. He was my first boyfriend. He is my best friend. Oh god.

And he will know all of this, even subconsciously. Everything you are saying, it sounds so desperate to be with him/can’t be without him (I don’t mean this in a nasty way and I’m sorry if it read that way). You’re the mother of his children and he’s ’tricked’ you into a life he can’t sustain. Now none of that is really true because at 14 he probably wasn’t sure at all of his sexuality and it may not have even crossed his mind. But right now, he’s going to be carrying a lot of guilt because who he is is going to blow your entire world up. So he probably feels he can’t tell you either, or is still in conscious denial.

He absolutely is gay. He can’t have vaginal sex. He’s watching both gay and trans porn. The time you caught him will not be the first time.

This is awful for you but it will also be awful for him. You were together before he even had time to figure out who he is (through no fault of either of you). Now you’re both trapped.

Set yourself free by admitting that this is no life. You have no sex life anyway - surely this is a really good starting place to move forwards as friends, as you already are friends?

He has always been fixated on it - it’s the first way I had sex at 15. He will buy me things to shove in my bum but never flowers. Oh god. He always has to lay me on my front too. I feel sick. I really thought he loved and desired me.

He said he was relieved to tell me when I found the apps - he could have told me then, couldn’t he? Why didn’t he?

It really really isn’t a wind up. It’s my life. I thought we had the strongest relationship- he had things I had to put up with but don’t all relationships?

I’m sure he does love you, and that’s why he hasn’t told you. Because there’s no going back from this. As you’ve said, it will destroy all of your lives.

However, it is already destroying your lives. You don’t know what a normal sex life is. You’re confused wondering what’s wrong and what you’ve done wrong, when the answer is nothing - he’s just becoming less able to pretend. And this WILL come to a head - I’d wager he will limp on until the kids are grown up, he will tell himself he a has done right by you all.

Then he will be out there living his best life while your best years are long behind you and you’ve wasted decades on a lie you didn’t know you were living. That in itself will have a huge impact on your children.

I suspect he was relieved because the truth was out. Because he never imagined you’d actually believe he wasn’t gay. But you did, so he will secretly be back to hiding these urges and withdrawing more and more.

You ‘put up’ with leaving socks on the floor or forgetting whose turn it is to take out the bin. Not being used and cohered into painful sex purely for one person’s needs to be met.

I'm not saying LTB, I don't even have the right to say that, however, WOULD you be able to imagine your life where your husband doesn't figure?
Totally different ball game.
I have been happily married for 20+years, husband significantly older.
I can imagine my life without him, because it's a necessity.
A bit scary, definitely not a wish, but reality.