To not know what to do

[thegreenlight]

my husband and I have been together since we were 15, we are both now 41.

We have been through a lot in the last 2 years, a renovation where the builders took our money leaving my husband to finish the work, I lost my dad and my children are tricky as are both autistic and are struggling in school.

I went away for a week on a residential and came back to find my husband had been considering leaving me. This has come as a bolt from the blue. I also found he had been on gay and trans dating sites. He tells me this was pure escapism and he deleted them after realising he was having a mid-life crisis.

He seems to think that I need to just accept things as they are. I’m staying to help him but he is cold and not the same.

I love him very much - he now says our relationship is the only good thing but I’m not made to feel that. I don’t trust him as there have been a few things since which feel dodgy to me. He’s not doing anything to work on the relationship and I feel I am just being a door mat to keep the peace. I need to know where we are and if we have a future.

I know everyone will say LTB but we have been through so much, I can’t imagine life without him.

Yes all relationships mean you have to give and take. You have to put up with quirks and learn to live with things that annoy you.

You don’t have to put up with your husband pretending he is having sex with a man by putting you on your front where no female parts are visible and only having sex with your anus, as gay men do.

Regardless of whether your husband is gay or not, the things you have written on here about your sex life are absolutely horrific

Just to add - if this was me, I would send him a text or email being very factual -

Hi X
I have taken some time to think things through and have sought some advice. We got together so young that I have normalised things are are clearly abnormal. Finding the apps on your phone last week has helped me see things more clearly and I know you are struggling with your sexuality. I realise you haven’t felt able to discuss this for the past X years so may still not feel ready, however it’s unfair on both me and the boys to keep living this lie.

We need to discuss how we move forwards from this, and I don’t want to just drop it on you in person. Please let’s agree a time to speak properly but I am not interested in further denials which are doing nothing but confuse me and affect my own self esteem and mental health. We both need to face the reality and figure out what this will mean for us going forwards.

Absolutely this.
You need to seek counselling for yourself asap.
That you would believe that is what a normal healthy sex life is, from when you were a child, is just unbelievably sad.
Stop doing anal for a start.
He knows it causes you pain, but carries on.
He is absolutely disgusting.
You need to protect yourself and your body.
You are not here to make sex bearable for him...ffs.
He knows bloody well he is gay/bi for as long as ye are together.
You need supporting.
Perhaps Women's aid can direct you.
I feel desperately sorry for you.

I mean this kindly, but please, you are being abused. He only wants anal sex despite the fact you are in pain? No matter how much you love him, that's not an acceptable or happy sex life. He's lying to you by saying he's not at the very least curious about gay sex. I know it's going to hurt you but please just tell him that you are going to separate. In the long run you will be happier.

Sending a virtual hug, this stuff is so hard to manage.

The children and their needs are of course a big part of things.
I'm here 2 years after separating from my ex , also with two autistic kids and my own disability, to tell you that the future can be calm , happy and fulfilling. No doubt it will be hard but you will manage and you will get stronger. And you can find a way of co parenting that works for your family, it doesn't have to look anything like other separated families.

If he's your best friend, maybe cohabiting will work for you, for a while anyway.
I think my ex was also emotionally abusing me, but not in an intentional unconscious way, it was as a result of his lasting mental health problems. And with this it means I can carry on working with him platonically to care for our 'tricky' children.

Actually, the mom's net forums were very helpful for me when I was trying to make my decision to leave. I also recommend a book or two for you.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle
The heart-centered woman's guide to healthy boundaries , I'm sorry I forget the author.

You don't have to act immediately. You can take your time making a decision. It's perfectly okay to say to him. Please give me some time to process this and figure out what's the best thing to say or do.

Counselling as others have said would be a very sensible thing to do. If Funds don't allow for this, Samaritans is also immensely helpful and free t. Just saying it all out loud is very freeing and for me helps me figure things out, especially whenever it's not stuff I necessarily want to talk to friends about.

Best of luck to you 🤝

Sadly OP, this is more common than you think. At 15 he might well have suspected he was gay but unable to face it, forced himself to have a relationship with a female. But only has sex with you in a male to male way, anally with you face down so that he isn't reminded that you are in fact a woman. I know that this must be hard to read or to contemplate, it makes a mockery of your marriage if true, but he wouldn't be the first man to go through the motions with a woman, before finally admitting his true sexuality. A midlife crisis does not involve looking into something which is holds no attraction for you. I am heterosexual and zero interest in women sexually, therefore no matter what crisis I was going through, the last thing I would be doing would be trawling through lesbian dating apps. You need to protect yourself, starting with an STI check. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. He can love you and be gay.

I don't think you need to see this as meaning you're not desirable. Or that he doesn't love you and it's all been a sham.

I'm sure you can be close as people but sexually incompatible. You deserve to have sex with someone who actually desires you. If your DH doesn't desire you that way, it's not your fault.

Think of a best case scenario of how this turns out: say two years time, you're still friends but don't live together, you parent together but have separate, fulfilling sex lives.

This is part of the problem with getting together so young, you just don't really know yourself. Then you end up committed to preserving the self you thought you were at 15.