To hate ‘playdates’

[3kids3dogs]

DS is at the age where friends can come and knock to see if he wants to play, and they do. Almost every single night and multiple times on a weekend. I’ve had someone child here all day Saturday and most of Sunday this week.

Unfortunately we live on a very busy main road so inevitably they end up in my house as I can’t let them play outside incase they get squashed.

I feel like I can’t relax because I have a constant stream of small boys here, most are lovely and polite but one or two never listen to instructions (like don’t go into the dog room) so I’m on edge. Then there’s the mess and eating all of my snacks.

I also have 2 babies who keep getting woken up or who try and follow the older boys to play which causes drama. If I tell them we are busy they go and then return an hour later on repeat.

I feel too bad saying no more because DS does go to their houses too and I feel I need to reciprocate. Plus I can’t isolate DS forever because of my poor choice of housing (would love to say get out and play but sadly impossible as he’s too young and it’s too dangerous)

Am I just a miserable person or does everyone secretly hate this?

You are not miserable at all. It’s one of those things we do as parents even if we don’t want to because the kids need it.

One of the joys of parenthood I’m afraid. It will stop when they are teens (then you will be worried about where they are).

I'd ask them to leave when the babies are sleeping. I'd explain to those who aren't following rules that if they don't they won't be able to come back. I wouldn't provide snacks. They can nip home if hungry.

Those aren’t ‘playdates’, though. Play dates are arranged. You just have lots of kids knocking, and should feel absolutely free to limit it.

Though I don’t think I understand why small boys are able to walk to your house safely, presumably on busy streets, to order to knock on your door, but it’s not safe for them to play outside at all? Does no one have a garden?

That's not a play date, a play date is prearranged with the other parent. If you're smart, when you invite them you say "come over 2-4pm" so there's a clear end point. If you're not, when they are dropped off, you say "are you ok to collect Junior at 4pm".

Play dates aren't hoarded of kids in and out of your house willy nilly.

How old is your DC. If going around alone, presumably old enough to understand some boundaries about what's acceptable and what isn't.

This is my life too OP. I suck it up because it makes DD happy (mostly). I agree with PP who says not long from now they will be out somewhere and that will be worse 🙁

I do want to know her friends also - I think that will help when they are all teenagers and I will know who is a good friend to her and also hopefully they will trust me and tell me what is going on!

We have a very large garden, they are free to play outside but seem to play outside for 5mins, come out and in on repeat. We have an open plan living/dining to the garden so it ends up with me trying to stop babies going out every 5mins if I leave the doors open which drives me mad! They tend to play roughly outside, kicking footballs etc so I can’t have the babies out, I also have to lock the dogs in as they cannot be out around unknown children.

They are ranging from 8-10 years old.

We live on the edge of the village. The boys tend to walk to ours from the village itself, probably only 5-10mins. The mums tend to message me saying X is on the way over. DS sometimes goes into the village and plays on the green watched by the other mums or at the other boys houses so it’s not all one sided but they are unable to play out in the street here because it’s a 60mph county road directly outside.

I just hate it though! I’m very introverted and like my own space. I hate having visitors especially constantly!

Isn't it clear you're being taking advantage of by a bunch of parents that don't reciprocate? You need to start setting better boundaries.

But clearly not enough or the op wouldn't be feeling like she has kids over constantly.

It's not working for you is it so you need to set better limits.

Well, I think your introversion is neither here nor there. Having three kids just isn’t compatible with introversion, anyway. You can certainly limit the casual drop-ins, though. Tell the other parents they need to ask, not just say their child is already en route, or limit timings, like ‘never on weekdays’ or something, or just send them away. And they need to stay in the garden, no in and outs, with the dogs staying in their room. No snacks. If they’re hungry, they go home.

You just need to be more assertive!
Make a boundary for the day and stick to it.. for example tell your son if his friends come over today they can only play in the garden and not come in the house apart from to use the loo. And then enforce that.
Unless it's a pre arranged play date you actually organised yourself, you are under no obligation to let these children into your home at all.
As a mum I would not expect anyone to just let my son come into their home and play if he just rocked up with no pre announcement.
My son is 9yo and does play out. We live in a village and a few of his friends live on the cul de sac below us.. my son can get there without crossing any roads and can see if his friends are out on the street from his window. So often he'll ask if he can go down and play.
Every single time that I say its OK I give him a talk about not going into people's houses uninvited.. and that if his friends go in to their houses he is to come home.
From time to time some of the mums let him come in to play but they always text me to let me know and I always text back that that's very kind of them but they shouldn't feel under pressure to have him in and that I'll come down and get him if they want.
OP I really do not think that any mum would expect you to just open your door to these boys if it is not a convenient time for you or even if you just wanted to have a relaxing day.
Kids will obviously try... but just work on saying no if you want to, and do not feel guilty!

Definitely set more boundaries
Play date on one day only, so Saturday or Sunday, but not both. No snacks allowed, they go home for lunch or dinner. If it's dry tell them they can play in the garden only, not coming in or out.
It can be a pain but as others say, in a few years they'll be spending the summer wandering round streets, parks and fields with friends you've probably never even met!

Ok so for example, he was at one boys sat morning for 2 hours. Then they came here for 3-4 hours in the afternoon till I dropped boy 1 off. Sat night a different boy called but we were out.

Sunday boy 2 came, closely followed by boy 3. They walked to boy 2s house, stayed there an hour then came back to mine for another couple maybe until I told them we were going out and they left but I had to be very firm.

So DS is out at other peoples do I don’t feel like I can complain? But I still don’t want someone in my house all weekend! I never get a second because I have two babies, but I’m torn because that’s not DS fault.

To try and answer the road question. We live at the top of the village, it’s 60mph until my house exactly, but people speed through regardless (another story!) I wouldn’t want DS to play on a bike or with a football or whatever outside the house for this reason. The road has a path, leading to the village. I can see the boys walking down the big hill, on the path, to the village itself from my window. The village has a big green where they sometimes kick a ball watched by a mum (who’s house is opposite) or they go into eachothers houses. Usually the mum will message saying DS is here just as I do. I don’t let DS walk back alone, I walk down to collect him but the other mums do allow their boys to walk up alone.

I think I just need to be tougher. The boys mums always message saying just kick them out if your sick of them, but they never do that to my DS so I feel under pressure. If it’s relevant, my DS is very quiet and shy where some of the other boys are not!

You do just need to be a bit firmer with the boys about playing in the garden/not waking the babies up/keeping out of the dogs room.

I used to have the house that all the neighbourhood children gathered in, never got a moment's peace (was a very small house, so nowhere to escape their noise plus they were a lot younger so felt I had to supervise their play somewhat) but then we moved and I missed it.

Set days to go to your house?
Set times?
No play day on a weekend day &/ or week day
Planned beforehand otherwise no playdate or random arrivals.
Otherwise message the parents and request at nap times no one shows up.
Be firm with the time they hang around.
Offer a sandwich or fruit.
I like random visitors if im not in the mood keep it shorter.

Thanks everyone! Seems iabu to an extent.

I’ll try and be firmer. It’s hard because I like to be able to just pop to the shop or spontaneously decide to go somewhere, instead I have to either get rid of someone’s child or find my own and it’s really restrictive. My mum said this is just part of parenting and by the looks of it she’s right!