To hate ‘playdates’

[3kids3dogs]

DS is at the age where friends can come and knock to see if he wants to play, and they do. Almost every single night and multiple times on a weekend. I’ve had someone child here all day Saturday and most of Sunday this week.

Unfortunately we live on a very busy main road so inevitably they end up in my house as I can’t let them play outside incase they get squashed.

I feel like I can’t relax because I have a constant stream of small boys here, most are lovely and polite but one or two never listen to instructions (like don’t go into the dog room) so I’m on edge. Then there’s the mess and eating all of my snacks.

I also have 2 babies who keep getting woken up or who try and follow the older boys to play which causes drama. If I tell them we are busy they go and then return an hour later on repeat.

I feel too bad saying no more because DS does go to their houses too and I feel I need to reciprocate. Plus I can’t isolate DS forever because of my poor choice of housing (would love to say get out and play but sadly impossible as he’s too young and it’s too dangerous)

Am I just a miserable person or does everyone secretly hate this?

How spontaneous can you be with babies?

You have a discussion with DS tonight on what day it suits to have friends over and that's it. That becomes the day you host, Capri suns and cheap pizzas or whatever and if they don't like it they can go home. Any child not following house rules gets sent home.

Don't feed them if they turn up at other times, say during the summer, just provide them with water and squash to help themselves. If they are hungry they go home.

Tell them to ask their parents before they come over so you can be texted before they go down a 60 mph road (that's insanity in itself)

Get DS involved in other activities so he isn't as available.

However, it is good to be THE house, that everyone goes to, you can keep an eye on friendship issues etc particularly as they hit secondary school age.

Yes it is just part of parenting! Be glad that your son has a bunch of mates to play with and that he wants to bring friends to the house. I have 5 sons and they all had friends in and out all the time and I quite frequently had 7 or 8 kids to feed at tea time! It was chaos but they were happy. Your babies will grow up and want to have friends over to play as well soon! It's what you sign up for when you have kids 🤷‍♀️

I would hate this. I don’t really understand how people let their kids do this without arranging a convenient time first. I was always taught not to invite myself to someone’s house. I’d just say no sorry not now and then sort a time out that is suitable and do something nice for them then.

Yes it seems really simple to set boundaries here - Saturdays only, or what two days a week in holidays. There's a huge amount of choice between a constant open door policy (which is what you seem to have) and insisting every play date is scheduled two months in advance

Pretty spontaneous to be fair! My babies are relatively easy. Pick them up and go, if they are driving me up the walls I like to put them in the car and just pop out. To the shops, grandparents or even just the park. But now I can’t because I’m waiting for DS to come back or a friend to go so I can leave. Drives me crazy.

Loads of good advice here thanks everyone!

Send them out to play on the green. It's good for kids to play out.

It sounds annoying but honestly im also a bit envious of all this playing your child gets. That kind of free flow back and forth is impossible where I live and my children really miss out in this respect

I love having the house full of my kids friends and having them for dinner!

It sounds like your son is having a lovely childhood with plenty of local friends. I'd let it carry on if I could but be a bit firmer with chucking them out when you need to and no snacks if you don't want to give them any.
Having local friends will be amazing for your son an you as he gets older.

Just wait until they are all in their teens and 'man' sized. My sons liked board games some of which seemed to last hours and I'd constantly have 5 or 6 adult sized teens in my dining room.

They were super polite and ordered in their own snacks.

I feel you OP. My situation is a bit different in that we live in a quiet estate where it is safe to play outside but when it’s raining and clearly not suitable to play outside friends will arrive clearly with the expectation to play inside. Especially in the summer holidays, I feel obligated because I’m working from home (hybrid worker) and don’t want LG to be bored! Then they want to eat all your snacks and drink all your drinks!
I find it helps to have a time limit so it isn’t just open ended and they end up here all day. So I might say ‘ok but just for an hour because LG will be having lunch’ or ‘ok but just for a little while cos I have a meeting’. I absolutely cannot have friends in when I have a teams meeting, it’s so stressful trying to keep them quiet in her room. I also have no problem saying ‘go and play at x house’ if I feel it’s not being reciprocated.

This.

Shit for you but good for your son.

I'd be tempted to post a sign on the door sometimes saying "Not home to visitors. Babies sleeping - wake them at your peril. Call again at 4pm".

I think you can set some boundaries without destroying your son's social life.

If the babies have decided to take industrial action and you want to go out then the boys have to go home for a bit. You never said the ages but your son can go round theirs. This in and out every five minutes… nah. Do any of them have mobiles? Can they text first? Or they have to ask their mums to text before they come over.

You need rules for children that drop in and stick to them.

For example:

only play in garden, if necessary lock the door so they have to ask to come in if they need a glass of water or to use the loo.

If it’s your babies sleep time they are not allowed in - put a sign on the front door so they know not to knock for your son

Put a bolt on the room to the dogs that they can’t reach so you don’t have to worry about that scenario.

Pick a certain time each weekend when you make it clear no friends allowed - be vocal about it, tell parents of other children it’s getting too much and you’re having a new regime and please, no kids to you say on a Sunday afternoon.

Good luck!

I don't understand why anyone should hate this. Lovely for children to have this company amd if they are at yours you at least know what yours are up to.

I hate all visitors. I’m a miserable person! I just want to be left in peace 😄

Trust you have no children then.

It'll pass. The last few years we had constant knocking. The dog used to bark like crazy - it wasn't pleasant. Roll on a year and everything is organised by Snapchat. No more door knocking. Kind of miss it...

House rules such as no kicking balls in house, all mess tidied up, do not help selves to food or drink - ask. Quiet when baby is asleep and kick them out if they don’t behave.
Its not soft play where they can run riot, it’s your home!
Ask DS to repeat the rules to you, tell him to ask his mates to stop if they are trashing the place and to quietly fetch you if he feels he can’t stop them/embarrassed/too cool
These kids are doing it because you let them

Gosh your village sounds lovely. It sounds like your children will have a lovely childhood. I am also introverted and so I get your misanthropic nature and want of peace and space. I am also a stickler for routine and so it must be irritating to have the baby woken. However, I live in London and so I am envious of the happy, free childhood your DS can have. I can only echo what the others have said and that your need to put boundaries around the scared nap times (also known as “tea and cake time”).

I have always hated these sorts of things. I either feel like I have to entertain/supervise constantly or that (if I leave them to their own devices) I'm not doing enough. I'm just on edge and unable to relax which is ridiculous really.
My ds is a young teen now and mostly when his friends are over they will disappear outside or upstairs to play video games. I pop in every so often with snacks and that's it. I know of kids the same age who sleep over at each others houses often, loads of them and it sounds as if the parents just bung them a takeaway and leave them to it. I wouldn't like that as I don't like feeling responsible for other people's children especially overnight.
I guess some parents are more laid back, I wish I was but I worry too much and enjoy the sanctuary of my own home with just my family in it.

At our old house the little girl next door kept doing the knocking and returning an hour later thing on repeat all weekend. I was up and down to the door about 15 times a day, even when I told her that my daughter would not be coming out at all that particular day. It drove me mad and in the end I would just open a window and shout at her to stop. Absolutely maddening.

it may be annoying now, but as a mum to an older child, you will appreciate it when your child is older. You’re getting to know these kids so when he is a teenager you’ll know who he’s with.
Them feeling comfortable in your house is much better than them disappearing to who knows where when they’re older. You just need to be more assertive with your ground rules. Maybe when they turn up say something like “ you can come in for an hour, but then we’ve got something planned so you’ll need to go home at x o’clock” you’re setting expectations then so it’s not a surprise when they have to leave.

I agree with others, surely you can get a bit more balance with more boundaries around this. It’s good you know yourself and what you need - I always imagined we’d be the house where all the kids want to be, as we both have good relationships with friends kids and work in caring roles. It’s taken me a few years to realise that in reality I feel similar to you, I just want to relax in my home and I can’t when I feel I need to attend to kids. They are often so demanding as well!

@justinshouse28 i think this is part of it. I have a busy house, toddlers, older child. Work. Dogs. Cat etc.

We live in an affluent area where most of the other kids live in immaculate houses, cleaners, no other siblings or one other usually. I feel like I like in a rubbish house compared to them because it’s half building site, half decimated by toddlers and I’m embarrased of it!

Whenever DS goes down the parents also seem to have so much time to do XYZ with the kids whereas I can’t because I’m looking after 2 small ones so I feel I’m just not being a fun parent. I can’t just drop things and run them to the park/McDonald’s like the other mums seem to manage.

We’re out the way a bit so very rare anyone come knocking therefore it’s all arranged play dates here with fixed timings. Pros and cons to both. At least Dh and I know where they are and how long they will be gone for so we can get busy with..er..other things.