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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that 3 year old dd is being used as an accessory

42 replies

picklepie5 · 10/04/2008 09:31

our dd has been asked to be bridesmaid for a large church wedding she is 2.5 and will be just 3 when the day arrives. She has met the bride and bridegroom, maybe 5 times in all her life, and knows none of the other wedding party. The bridegroom in question is my husbands cousin who has recently emigrated here from canada, when he first moved here we saw them more often, although not that much, and when we agreed (a year ago) it seemed like a nice idea, but now we are not so sure. despite us inviting them they never come to see us (there has been some family politics and it would seem they have sided with the others!). I have no idea what they expect from my dd on the day, my husband spoke with his cousin who said they envisaged her walking up the aisle, in a crowded church, hand in hand with the page boy (also 2.5), and stay at the alter patiently throughout the whole fu**ing service! My DH told them it was a nice idea but might not go to plan. but they are not listening. Bride sent me a text message telling me that DD needed to be at rehersal the day before, so that would mean, DH has to take another day off (wedding on a Friday)and we'd all (we also have DS who is 1) have to travel 2 hours to the venue, all stay in a hotel, just for a rehersal FFS!! We just can't do all that so we've declined and said we just can't be at rehersal. I don't know what her dress looks like, (is it not normal for bride to shop with mum and child in these circumstances?). I thought when bridesmaids were this small they just needed to potter about looking pretty on the day perhaps be in a few photos, not walk up the aisle, dd is quite headstrong and i'm thinking she's gonna be scared stiff walking up the aisle without us in front of all those people she doesn't know. I just feel like we are being kept in the dark, and being told you shall do this and she shall wear this. Gonna call the bride today, to straighten things out a bit but don't know what to say. Just hope i can stay calm and collected! AIBU?

OP posts:

Chequers · 10/04/2008 09:33

Message withdrawn

Lizzer · 10/04/2008 09:38

YANBU sounds decidedly contrived as you say..best case scenario is your dd and the page boy tear up the aisle at break neck speed, whacking each other all the way, then both have huge wobblies when asked to stay still for so long (I'm guessing the lovely couple have never had children)

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 09:39

i have known bridesmaids that young be fine with walking up the aisle but they were normally with an older child or grown up bridesmaid who would be urging them along not another 2.5 year old.

potoftea · 10/04/2008 09:41

I'd go with the idea that you don't want your dd to ruin her day and that maybe she should reconsider the plan.
Warn her that she's a little girl, and as such unpredictable. She may not walk up the aisle, she may in fact lie down on the floor and cry (I have heard of this happening when the poor child caught sight of all the people looking at her), and especially warn the bride that you ought to be involved in choosing the dress as your dd is growing and sizes are only a guide.
It does sound like the bride and groom have a very idealistic idea about how pretty the children will look, but no idea how kids can let you down just when it matters (as every parent can testify )

slng · 10/04/2008 09:48

Picturing Lizzer's scenario I would love to go to a wedding like that! Normally hate weddings but if this is what is planned it would be free entertainment for cynics like me ... Please video it if bride&groom won't listen to reason! Sorry, but it did make me laugh ...

Chequers · 10/04/2008 09:50

Message withdrawn

alarkaspree · 10/04/2008 09:56

Have you discussed it with your dd at all? Difficult if you're not sure whether to go ahead with it all but my dd was a flower girl at my sister's wedding when she was about 2.3 and she LOVED it. I was worried about it as she's quite shy and was supposed to be throwing petals, and warned my sister she might cry, tip petals upside down, run away etc. My sister was fine about it, she just wanted dd to be involved and thought she'd be adorable whatever she did. And in fact dd did exactly what she was supposed to and thrived on the attention. BUT I was a bridesmaid too and walked next to her up the aisle. I agree that the holding hands with page boy idea is unlikely to be a success, especiallly if she doesn't know him well.

So after that extremely long paragraph I'd say, if you think your dd would enjoy the experience, talk it through with the B&G and see if an adult bridesmaid can be assigned to holding hands with dd and page boy. If you don't think she'd be that into it, then just cancel the whole thing. You are right, I think, that she is to an extent and accessory but if it's fun for her then why not?

sunnydelight · 10/04/2008 09:56

TBH I'm a bit puzzled as to why you would think that she wouldn't be expected to walk up the isle. That's why people want cute little bridesmaids. I think it's unfortunate that you didn't say no at the outset because yes, your child is being used as an accessory but that's kind of the deal.In some families there would be an expectation that little relations would be asked to participate like this, maybe this is the case with the bride?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unsympathetic to how you feel but I think it was a bit naive to think that you would have any role other than supplier/minder/herder/controller of said cute child and the bride is only interested in whether the cute dress matches hers or not. If you really think that they will be hacked off if she doesn't meet their explanations then personally I think it would be a bit unkind to your daughter to put her in that position but rather you than me telling a bride to be that you are messing with her fantasy

TillyScoutsmum · 10/04/2008 10:03

Yes - she is going to be used as an accessory but isn't that sort of the point ? Small bridesmaids are hardly going to be helping the bride get into her dress or organise her hen night - they're there to look pretty.

YANBU to want to "manage"the brides expectations though. Maybe just a call to explain that there are no guarantees your dd will "perform" and if she does want to change her mind, then you won't be offended. Also a bit daft not to include you on fittings for the dress.

FWIW - my 3 year old niece ran up to us during the vows and proclaimed in her very loud voice that she needed a poo .. I also think we managed to get her to pose for one photo and the rest of the time, she was too busy rampaging around with the pageboys.

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 10:07

i would just ring and explain about not being able to be there for the rehearsal. i would say tbh it's probably not worth it for dd to go to that anyway as she wouldn't remember anything she'd "rehearsed." also at 2 and 3 years old children cannot be expected to be perfect and yes she may throw a hissy fit or whatever.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/04/2008 10:10

sounds like your dd won't really know anyone so I think it would be highly unlikely that a child of just 3 would happily walk up the aisle etc etc. We have to remember that to a 3 year old the whole thing is meaningless, so why would she walk up a long aisle holding hands with, and following, people who are almost strangers to her?? She'd be actually pretty sensible if she refused the whole thing in order to stay with her mum and dad!

I would definitely speak to the bride - no need to make a big thing of it, just check she's aware that a child this little may not cope with the expectations. If you put it in a very reasonable way, as in you'd encourage DD and just see how she goes, then she'd have to be a REAL bridezilla to INSIST that a 3 yr old follow instructions....

keep us posted

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:16

Sounds like the bride has no experience of small children and has obviously been watching too many Hollywood films where the young bridesmaids all behave perfectly etc.

Do you know where you are going to be standing during the service? If you could arrange to be at the front, so that dd is walking towards you down the aisle and also you are within easy reach when she gets to the altar and doesn't want to stand still, that might make things easier.

shreddies · 10/04/2008 10:18

Lol, we had a very small registry office wedding, but had DH's three nieces aged 4 6 and 7 as bridesmaids, just because we thought it would be fun for them. They were supposed to walk about 10 feet from the door to the desk thingy with us. Only of them made it - all peeled off and did their own thing, dancing, going to say hallo to grandma etc .

Chances of a three year old managing a long walk pretty much on her own = nil. I would definitely have a chat with the bride about it, or it could be very stressful for everyone.

Perhaps you could be right at the front and your dd could walk down the aisle and go directly to you and sit with you for the vows?

shreddies · 10/04/2008 10:19

cross post with Freckle

chipmonkey · 10/04/2008 10:24

My niece was flower-girl for her aunt and she did walk up the aisle with the page-boy but as soon as they got to the altar, she sat with her Mum and granny for the rest of the ceremony. She and the pageboy only joined proceedings again at the end when they had to walk back up the aisle. She loved posing for the photos and in fact threw a total strop when told she wasn't to be in one particular photo ( one with just the groom's family!)

Yes, I'm afraid your dd is being used as an "accessory" but that is the deal with flowergirls.

It sounds to me as if the bride has had zero contact with young children so may need to be enlightened a little as to how they actually work! We got married when my niece was 10 months and I had wanted her dressed up that day and included in photos etc but my dsis put me right as to what was realistic!

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 10:26

all the reasons that have been given on here was why my cousin refused to have bridesmaids under the age of 8 (but she did have a 4 year old step-son at the time so knew what to expect)

Peapodlovescuddles · 10/04/2008 14:56

Gosh, I'm actually quite surprised at all the negativity here, my DDs were bridesmaids for a cousin of mine at 6 and 3 respectively. They had never met the woman before the wedding day and haven't seen her since (wedding was 8 years ago in june) Cousin wanted cute little girls to be 'accessories' and my daughters LOVED wearing their dresses.
As they followed her up the aisle another child (also aged 3) was having a tantrum and threw crayons all over the aisle, DDs just stood there with looks of angelic innocence on their faces staring straight ahead pretending they hadn't noticed.
I think my point is that my girls behaved better for being bridesmaids, they felt responsible and 'princessy' and the day went beautifully!

Perhaps your daughter might enjoy being a bridesamid?

oldnewmummy · 10/04/2008 15:42

My 19 year old niece was staying with us recently and we dug out the wedding photos for a laugh.

She was an 18 month old bridesmaid, and although very well-behaved, it's only now that I have a 15 month old son that I can see why my SIL was not jumping with joy at the invite.

hanaflower · 10/04/2008 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cushioncover · 10/04/2008 15:54

IMO, flowergirls are a pointless invention. It's just naff and, yes, an accessory.
It's the whole 'princessy' thing I don't like. The 'look at this pretty little girl with her hair in ringlets throwing flowers' crap. Yuck!

My SIL gets married at Christmas. MIL has already said how cute it would be and I've already said no.

maisemor · 10/04/2008 15:54

There is a 50/50 chance of your dd enjoying this occassion or hating it and refusing to do it.

Don't let the family feud take over.

Remember the bride is nervous as never before, and probably ready to explode at the first opportunity. She might not listen to reason.

I think it is nice of them to ask you to the rehearsal as it will give your dd an idea of what would be happening. It will also give all the adults an idea as to whether she will love it or hate it.

ladymariner · 10/04/2008 15:58

I think you really need to have a calm chat with the bride and warn her that although it will be wonderful if it all goes to plan chances are it won't, and can she cope with that? It will still be fab, but most people are aware that if they ask small children to be bridesmaids/pageboys there may be unforseen incidents and that the best lai plans may have to adapt!
When I got married, we had our 2.5 yr godson as pageboy and he was great, looked adorable, but didn't particularly participate in the scheduled way, instead he wandered around a bit, helped straighten my dress then raided my mothers handbag for sweets

Enid · 10/04/2008 16:01

sorry, but what on earth do/did you think a bridesmaid is/was expected to do?

I think its perfectly normal for you to be anxious that your dd will 'perform' on the day but not to be angry with the bride about it! after all, they asked, you agreed.

Do you think the 'family politics' have coloured your view on this?

oranges · 10/04/2008 16:03

I think you should not say anything, just go to the rehearsal, and sit back with a glass of wine and let them try to tell your dd what to do... I bet expectations will be lowered for the big day. If you are not that close, it doesn't really matter if the bride gets a little stressed, does it?

NotActuallyAMum · 10/04/2008 16:03

If I've read things right, it sounds like there are no other very young girls in the family? If that's the case, perhaps she thought you'd be offended if she didn't ask your dd to be bridesmaid?

Brides can't win sometimes, one person might be offended at not being asked, whereas someone else might be offended because they have been

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