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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Suspected child abuse

28 replies

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:00

I was friends with a woman who has 2 DC, a boy and a girl. I would frequently babysit both children alongside my own and we were very close

We fell out last year as my DD was supposed to stay at hers for the night but when I rang my DD to wish her goodnight she sounded really u comfortable so I went and got her but ex friend didnt want me to come to the house and met me half way, she said a mutual friend was watching her children whilst she brought me DD and I repeatedly asked her if she was telling the truth as I knew for a fact mutual friend would never go to her house

It turned out my friend had asked DD to lie to me about friends abusive boyfriend staying whilst my DD was there, she had taken DD out for a nice meal but told me she was eating pasta in the kitchen & she had told me DD was sleeping in friends old tshirt but she had actually gone and bought DD new pyjamas but not sent her home with them. She told my DD to say mutual friend was there instead of her boyfriend

When I asked her about all of the above she said she didnt get children to lie because of sexual abuse and at the time I thought it was really odd that she randomly mentioned sexual abuse. She denied getting my DD to lie and called my DD a liar until mutual friend confirmed they never went to my friends house to watch her children all she said about it was " I thought we'd moved past it"

There had been occasions in the past where I knew shed gotten her children to lie about things + she had lied about things but as they were minor things i just looked past it,

It has recently come out that my ex friend has accused another child of sexually assaulting her DS. At first it was that her son had pulled his pants down and said another child had showed him and now it has progressed to the other child has raped her child, other child is a girl. Children in question are 4 and 5

I used to frequently pick up her children from school and her DD would frequently wet herself at school and complain she was getting pains. Teacher mentioned it to me several times that she needed to see a doctor and I passed the message onto ex friend

The reason I didnt like her boyfriend was because the children would frequently tell me he was horrible to them, had locked them in the car for 2 hours ( ex friend and friends colleague confirmed this was true ) and that they didnt like him. Friend knew I didnt want him around my children. I had the children a lot because I knew ex friend was struggling and I'd rather have the kids at my house than them being with her boyfriend

Since she mentioned sexual abuse I've been worried about her children but I've never had any solid proof, I still dont now I suppose,

But none of this looks good does it? Her accusing another child of sexually assaulting her child has really rang alarm bells for me and I'm really wondering if she has only said that because shes trying to cover for her and her boyfriend, especially with Her mentioning sexual abuse when co fronted about asking my DD to lie to me.

It's a big accusation for me to say though isnt it?

What should I do? I feel horrible, not that I might have to make this accusation to a proffesional, but that I didnt say somthing sooner

What do you lot think? Should I speak to social services?

OP posts:
Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:07

Report your concerns, sure, but look at your own parenting just as hard. I cannot believe you letyour kids anywhere near this situation, at all, never mind allowing sleepovers. So many concerning things in what you have written, about your own judgement, decision making and abilities to keep your children safe.

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:12

Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:07

Report your concerns, sure, but look at your own parenting just as hard. I cannot believe you letyour kids anywhere near this situation, at all, never mind allowing sleepovers. So many concerning things in what you have written, about your own judgement, decision making and abilities to keep your children safe.

as my DD was supposed to stay at hers for the night but when I rang my DD to wish her goodnight she sounded really u comfortable so I went and got her

Did you miss this part? I did keep my DD safe.

You are right about my judgment, I could see ex friend was struggling hence having her children so frequently but realistically I should of ended the friendship sooner,

OP posts:
PoopingAllTheWay · 01/07/2024 03:14

This is hard to follow but have you spoken to your child and taken them to the drs as advised by the Teacher?

MariaLuna · 01/07/2024 03:15

OP, you need to report this to your GP. That will get the ball rolling.

And fuck not being able to get an appointment, just go in.

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:15

PoopingAllTheWay · 01/07/2024 03:14

This is hard to follow but have you spoken to your child and taken them to the drs as advised by the Teacher?

It's not my child it's my ex friends DD who I'm concerned about

I would of already gone to the police/ doctors if it was my child

OP posts:
Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:16

I did not miss that part, the part where you sent a child to stay in a household where an abusive man could be, where you didn't keep her safe.

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:18

MariaLuna · 01/07/2024 03:15

OP, you need to report this to your GP. That will get the ball rolling.

And fuck not being able to get an appointment, just go in.

I must not of wrote this very well, it's not my child I'm concerned about, its my ex friends

Ex friend got my child to lie to me last year & at the time said she didnt get children to lie because of sexual abuse .... ex friend has recently accused another child of sexually assaulting her child and now alarm bells are ringing for me because I am worried she only accusing this child because her or her boyfriend have done somthing

OP posts:
Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:19

Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:16

I did not miss that part, the part where you sent a child to stay in a household where an abusive man could be, where you didn't keep her safe.

They were on off frequently at the time and were off when my DD was supposed to stay over,

Explain how I didnt keep her safe? She wasnt harmed and as soon as I realised she was uncomfortable I went and got her

OP posts:
Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:23

Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:16

I did not miss that part, the part where you sent a child to stay in a household where an abusive man could be, where you didn't keep her safe.

I've just searched your username and can see from all of your comments that your argumentative and nasty to people so I wont be replying to anything else you write. Your clearly a goady person who enjoys being rude to people

OP posts:
Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:24

You sent your child to stay in a home that you couldn't guarantee was safe, knowing your friend was in an abusive relationship, on or off it doesn't matter. You don't put the job of keeping children safe onto children, to send them somewhere risky and rely on them telling you they are uncomfortable, you keep them safer than that. So many other things you've said, your friend wasn't a safe person to be around, because of her abusive relationship, so she wasn't safe for your DD. Report it all.

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:26

Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:24

You sent your child to stay in a home that you couldn't guarantee was safe, knowing your friend was in an abusive relationship, on or off it doesn't matter. You don't put the job of keeping children safe onto children, to send them somewhere risky and rely on them telling you they are uncomfortable, you keep them safer than that. So many other things you've said, your friend wasn't a safe person to be around, because of her abusive relationship, so she wasn't safe for your DD. Report it all.

I know I said I wouldnt write to you again but my DD didnt tell me she was uncomfortable, read my post again I said she sounded uncomfortable so I went and got her 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 01/07/2024 03:28

I must not of wrote this very well, it's not my child I'm concerned about, its my ex friends

O.k. sorry to not have read the whole thread. Dawn chorus on here.... 😊

But do contact someone, doctor, social services. You have to duty as a "village" to report this.

Treetertop · 01/07/2024 03:29

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:26

I know I said I wouldnt write to you again but my DD didnt tell me she was uncomfortable, read my post again I said she sounded uncomfortable so I went and got her 🤦‍♀️

You shouldn't have sent her.

LadyMinerva · 01/07/2024 03:34

Report to the school. Chances are they already have their suspicions anyway.

Perhaps also ask the police what they think you should do.

Either way, don't do nothing. Someone has to look out for those kids as their mother doesn't sound fit to be a parent at the moment.

liverburd1 · 01/07/2024 03:36

Ffs @Treetertop I'm sure in hindsight OP knows this.

However at the point in the past when her Dd was due to have a sleepover she had been told the abusive partner wouldn't be there. She also had no suspicions of sexual abuse (or any type of abuse) towards her ex friends dc until after the event.

OP collected her Dd, kept her safe, hadn't sent her back for further sleepovers and is now asking for advice on how to handle concerns re her ex friends dc.
Why would it be helpful to repeatedly accuse her of not keeping her own Dd safe?

Op I agree with others, I think you need to raise your concerns with SS. They can follow up/investigate and from what you've said it may be a family they're already aware of or have history with and this could be a missing piece of the puzzle. Best case scenario, you're wrong and the DC aren't being abused, SS won't take any action but you'll have peace of mind

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:40

LadyMinerva · 01/07/2024 03:34

Report to the school. Chances are they already have their suspicions anyway.

Perhaps also ask the police what they think you should do.

Either way, don't do nothing. Someone has to look out for those kids as their mother doesn't sound fit to be a parent at the moment.

I am wondering about speaking to school, I know for a fact they are aware of the recent accusation as it's another child from the school and I know the parents. The police/school are involved as ex friend has been harrassing the accused childs mum

OP posts:
Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:45

liverburd1 · 01/07/2024 03:36

Ffs @Treetertop I'm sure in hindsight OP knows this.

However at the point in the past when her Dd was due to have a sleepover she had been told the abusive partner wouldn't be there. She also had no suspicions of sexual abuse (or any type of abuse) towards her ex friends dc until after the event.

OP collected her Dd, kept her safe, hadn't sent her back for further sleepovers and is now asking for advice on how to handle concerns re her ex friends dc.
Why would it be helpful to repeatedly accuse her of not keeping her own Dd safe?

Op I agree with others, I think you need to raise your concerns with SS. They can follow up/investigate and from what you've said it may be a family they're already aware of or have history with and this could be a missing piece of the puzzle. Best case scenario, you're wrong and the DC aren't being abused, SS won't take any action but you'll have peace of mind

Thank you for that, I truly believe I have kept my DD safe and being accused of not keeping her safe is really upsetting. I fled DV so I know how hard it is to come away from an abusive relationship and tried not to judge my ex friend for keep going back as I had been in the same situation many years ago

Thank you. I will speak to social services in the next few days, I'm wondering if I should go and print out some of the conversations I've had with ex friend about the sleepover with my DD and friend saying boyfriend had locked the kids in the car + other conversations

I dont want to cause any trouble for anyone but I'm so worried about those children I literally cant sleep. I feel so guilty that somthing might of been going on

OP posts:
KomodoOhno · 01/07/2024 03:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

VeganStar · 01/07/2024 04:02

You need to report it to SS straight away if you’re worried.
You can do it anonymously.
If everything turns out to be fine after they investigate at least you’ve done the right thing and your conscious will be clear.

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/07/2024 04:32

I think printing out everything you have said here is a good idea. Individually they mostly sound quite minor but added together there is obviously an unhealthy relationship between this couple which has affected her children.

Gilbertwasawuss · 01/07/2024 04:33

Report to SS and also I would ask for a meeting with the school and I would share your concerns.

I am worried about this other child that is being accused of rape AND possibly could have been abused themselves by your ex friend's boyfriend.

You mentioned that maybe she is doing it to take the spotlight away from abuse of her children, but she could possibly be trying to destroy the other child's credibility with this accusation and muddy the waters.

meimyself · 01/07/2024 04:42

It is strange that she would accuse that of a 4 or 5 year old

Exactlab · 01/07/2024 04:55

Whatshouldido91 · 01/07/2024 03:12

as my DD was supposed to stay at hers for the night but when I rang my DD to wish her goodnight she sounded really u comfortable so I went and got her

Did you miss this part? I did keep my DD safe.

You are right about my judgment, I could see ex friend was struggling hence having her children so frequently but realistically I should of ended the friendship sooner,

No. You didn’t keep her safe. You already sent her to your friends house and weird stuff was happening. You need to get your child into therapy because the change of pyjamas, talks of SA, lies and not letting you near the house is very suspect.

Meadowfinch · 01/07/2024 04:57

Always always report concerns immediately.

No child ever died from a Social Services wellbeing check.

lifesrichpageant · 01/07/2024 05:01

Please report it. Just be factual and straightforward. Social workers will take it from there. Sorry this happened to you and your family and glad you are reporting on behalf of the other girl's safety.