Is my dad helpful or overstepping

[Hedgehogdetective]

I would describe my dad as a nice person who always helps people, even when they don’t ask or want it. As I’ve grown up and been overly helpful to others myself, I’ve realised that this can be patronising or irritating. I’m in my 30s, I moved out in my mid 20s, got married and had a baby. When my dad visits my home, he makes comments about things that are out of place or not perfect.

for example, if my grass is a bit long it’s “you need to cut your grass” or “you need to wash your car”. When my cars MOT is due, he will message me non stop up to 6 months in advance asking if I’ve booked it yet. Then he’ll say things like “I’ll wash and hoover your car before it goes into the garage” and I’ll ask why and he’ll say “to give a good impression”. Even though I wash and hoover my car regularly so this kinda insults me? Because it makes me feel like I’ve not done a good enough job or he thinks I’m dirty.

he will also go through my outside bins and if they are full he will say when does your bin next get emptied. I don’t know why he cares and it comes across to me like he still views me as a child and/or he’s worried that my neighbours or visitors will think he hasn’t raised me right or something if things aren’t perfect.

he is also the type to do things to my home and garden without asking me first. Like he will turn up and start doing DIY or will move my stuff about and take things away (!) without speaking to me about it. He doesn’t understand how this is wrong because whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive and goes off in a huff and stops talking to me.

he will also do things like book stuff without talking to me first. The AC in my car had a leak and I casually mentioned it and he said he had phoned up a garage and booked it in to get fixed and I asked when for and he told me the date and I said I couldn’t do that day… he didn’t ask me first he just went ahead and booked it. When I’m capable of booking it myself?

I also had a woman show up at my home saying she was a gardener and my dad had texted her to come over. She obviously thought my dad must live with me and was asking if he was in because I didn’t really know what she was visiting for, if it was for a quote to do gardening or to actually do my garden that day. Even though nothing needed done and she even said that so it felt like my dad is ashamed of me and again it’s a keeping up appearances thing.

i know some people will say they’d love it if their parents did all this stuff for them but I really don’t. It makes me feel like a child and I feel my boundaries are being trampled especially when my dad does things without talking to me (or my husband!) first.

I could give more examples but the last one is I mentioned I’d like a pond in my garden and my dad offered to help dig it and we agreed a weekend we’d do it. He turned up at my house and didn’t knock or anything so I didn’t know he was here and he started digging the hole and installed a pond in my garden without asking me where I wanted it or how big etc. when I saw him and came outside I felt really awkward and uncomfortable because it’s my garden and it kinda feels like he views my things as belonging to him? I don’t know. As I said I can’t even talk to him about these things because he will storm off and give me the silent treatment.

Telling you that your bin needs emptying or your lawn needs cutting is standard dad stuff, mildly annoying but not a big deal.

The rest, though... yeah, that's massively, massively overstepping. Booking your car into the garage, moving/getting rid of your stuff without asking, getting a gardener round is just intrusive and interfering. This must drive your husband mad too, surely? It's bad enough when it's your own parent who's getting over-involved and ignoring your wishes, but it's even worse when it's in-laws.

My dad, in the days when he was still able, absolutely LOVED doing DIY and gardening for us and was always suggesting various home improvements, but he wasn't pushy or interfering about it, and he would NEVER have done anything without asking us first.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this. I’m a grown adult and don’t need anyone, especially a man treating me like I’m still a child.

I would stop telling him things and remind him that it’s my house, not his.

I’d go no contact if things didn’t improve.

Dear god how does your partner cope with this? Bad enough when it's your own parent overstepping massively, even worse when it's an in-law.

goes off in a huff and stops talking to me

I would go for that option-it sounds infinitely more preferable.

I would use one where his old friend worked because I trusted he wouldn’t mess me about (he’s not that sort of guy). My dad would look up my reg and see when the mot is due. I know he thinks he’s being helpful. But to me it feels like interfering and overstepping.

I managed to buy a house by myself, get two degrees, plan and have a wedding, so I don’t really get it. Although with the wedding he also went off and booked a car for that without asking me first and my husband and I said we really did not want that kind of vehicle (it was an old chitty chitty bang bang style car) and when I told my dad no sorry he had paid a deposit and couldn’t get it back. you’d think that would’ve taught him but it didn’t.

when I tried to talk to him about the car stuff he said my husband forgot his mot and I was like well my husband is his own person and I have to remind him of stuff all the time and I’m the one who helps him remember stuff so I don’t know why that means I’d somehow forget

I think the issue is when I was pregnant he would still make comments about things needing done when I couldn’t do them. Then I had a c section and a newborn baby and all he’d say was you need to cut your grass, you need to sort this, you need to fix that. When I could hardly walk and had a NEWBORN baby to look after. After I had my baby he brought up plant pots and would constantly ask me if I’d watered the plants and told him I couldn’t manage because I had a baby and no time but he would still come over and inspect them and say you need to water these plants they aren’t doing so well.

for the pond this was something I thought we could do together as we both enjoy gardening and I thought it would be nice but he went off and did it by himself when that wasn’t what we planned.

that’s really sad.
Your dad sounds quite stubborn but if you got him to stop dropping in unannounced maybe he’ll listen to you about the rest. Although I’d say you’ll really have to spell it out.
Is there any chance he’s nd? I only ask because he really does remind me of my own dad and he is.

This isn’t love. This is control.

Gosh and I thought my Mum was bad! I feel your pain. I’m sure my Mum still views me as a 14 yr old when I’m actually 52!

she doesn’t live close so when she comes, it’s for a few days. She used to rearrange our cutlery drawer, so we just put it all back the way we had it later in the day. She will often rearrange my washing on the airer and goes into my bedroom and “tidies” things. I find it really annoying and disrespectful because I’m sure she does not do these things when she visits my Auntie’s house.

I feel that she is being critical when she does these things because if it’s not done her way, it’s not done properly (in her mind). She just can’t seem to accept that there are more ways than one of doing things.

And why does she care so much that the bloody knife and forks “are the wrong way around”?

Like you OP I’m sure if I mention these things she will go off in a huff. So I grit my teeth until she leaves.

In your case (& possibly mine) it sounds like it is a symptom of something else - perhaps he needs to be needed/to fill his time or to get a breather from your Mum?

Either way, I think you will have to be less open with your plans and when he says “this needs doing” just say to him that your DH and you will deal with it your way and he doesn’t need to worry. Keep that on repeat!

very helpful not, then she wont have a father at all.

No parents are perfect, mine werent, wouldnt have dreamt of cutting them off though. No way, you just have to navigate these things.
I wish they were still here, warts and all.

OP isn’t expecting perfection, she just wants to be treated like an adult which is perfectly reasonable.

Parents can’t act as they wish just because they are parents. OP certainly doesn’t have to put up with it.

How does he let himself in? Change the locks or get keys off him.
is he neurodiverse?

Your dad sounds like an overbearing nightmare.

It is not “an act of love” to not allow you to grow up and live your own life.

How is nagging you to book an MOT for 6 months in any way sensible or necessary? Reminding you a month before could be considered as helpful although why he would need to know when the MOT on his adult not living with him daughters car is due is a whole other question.

Does he still live with your mother & is their relationship very unequal? Do you have siblings and does he behave the same with them?

I don’t know how you go about changing his behaviour but whatever you do it won’t be easy and he will throw tantrums.

Jesus Christ! I mean this in the most respectful way but is his manner a reason your mum is struggling mentally? I know a man like this and his wife and son struggled mentally, the daughter moved to another country as was too much for her, completely overbearing

I have a sibling but I actually think it’s the other way around and my brother oversteps with my dad. In the past my brother has made changes and decisions in my parents home without consulting them first. And my dad would just go along with it like a door mat and not say anything like I don’t agree to you changing this in my home.

i interpret the way my dad treats me as an insult because it’s like he thinks I’m stupid or incapable when I’m the only person in the family to go to uni and I’ve done really well in life but he wants to overstep and control me still. My brother has been to court and been fired from jobs but he doesn’t put his foot down with him he lets him do whatever he wants. My dad even cashed in his pension early to pay off my brothers debts but he’s never had to bail me out cos I’m sensible with money

My late dad was a bit like this but nowhere as extreme. He had old fashioned views which formed his actions towards me. An example would be coming to visit and running his finger along the tops of pictures to see if there was dust (there was). I chose to ignore this sort of behaviour - it was a joke as his own home was certainly not immaculate.

The only time I snapped was when he told me my dd could never be married in church and her life would not be a good one because I did not have her christened. On this occasion I told him he had had his choices with me and now let us make our own with our daughter and something a lot ruder because it made me so angry. He also then told me he felt my DH had never wanted to marry me.

I think op some of the things are meant well, but he has really crossed the line on others. It is like you are still a small child at school and he is checking you have done your homework. His storming off and silent treatment is your punishment for not toeing the line.