Is my dad helpful or overstepping

[Hedgehogdetective]

I would describe my dad as a nice person who always helps people, even when they don’t ask or want it. As I’ve grown up and been overly helpful to others myself, I’ve realised that this can be patronising or irritating. I’m in my 30s, I moved out in my mid 20s, got married and had a baby. When my dad visits my home, he makes comments about things that are out of place or not perfect.

for example, if my grass is a bit long it’s “you need to cut your grass” or “you need to wash your car”. When my cars MOT is due, he will message me non stop up to 6 months in advance asking if I’ve booked it yet. Then he’ll say things like “I’ll wash and hoover your car before it goes into the garage” and I’ll ask why and he’ll say “to give a good impression”. Even though I wash and hoover my car regularly so this kinda insults me? Because it makes me feel like I’ve not done a good enough job or he thinks I’m dirty.

he will also go through my outside bins and if they are full he will say when does your bin next get emptied. I don’t know why he cares and it comes across to me like he still views me as a child and/or he’s worried that my neighbours or visitors will think he hasn’t raised me right or something if things aren’t perfect.

he is also the type to do things to my home and garden without asking me first. Like he will turn up and start doing DIY or will move my stuff about and take things away (!) without speaking to me about it. He doesn’t understand how this is wrong because whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive and goes off in a huff and stops talking to me.

he will also do things like book stuff without talking to me first. The AC in my car had a leak and I casually mentioned it and he said he had phoned up a garage and booked it in to get fixed and I asked when for and he told me the date and I said I couldn’t do that day… he didn’t ask me first he just went ahead and booked it. When I’m capable of booking it myself?

I also had a woman show up at my home saying she was a gardener and my dad had texted her to come over. She obviously thought my dad must live with me and was asking if he was in because I didn’t really know what she was visiting for, if it was for a quote to do gardening or to actually do my garden that day. Even though nothing needed done and she even said that so it felt like my dad is ashamed of me and again it’s a keeping up appearances thing.

i know some people will say they’d love it if their parents did all this stuff for them but I really don’t. It makes me feel like a child and I feel my boundaries are being trampled especially when my dad does things without talking to me (or my husband!) first.

I could give more examples but the last one is I mentioned I’d like a pond in my garden and my dad offered to help dig it and we agreed a weekend we’d do it. He turned up at my house and didn’t knock or anything so I didn’t know he was here and he started digging the hole and installed a pond in my garden without asking me where I wanted it or how big etc. when I saw him and came outside I felt really awkward and uncomfortable because it’s my garden and it kinda feels like he views my things as belonging to him? I don’t know. As I said I can’t even talk to him about these things because he will storm off and give me the silent treatment.

Thanks for the replies everyone. To answer some questions:

1. I’m not an only child, I have a brother who behaves the same as my dad (wonder where he learned that from!) and he goes to my parents home (he doesn’t live with them anymore) and does DIY and things without asking them and my dad complained about it!
2. My dad is a carer for my mum who has mental health issues
3. their home isn’t 100% clean and tidy, my mum basically buys way too much stuff and their home is full of clutter. They even buy ornaments and things for my home and then complain that my house is cluttered!
4. I will arrange a day and time for him to come over but when he arrives he doesn’t knock he just starts doing the work and I don’t even know he’s here.
5. I know people will say this is his way of expressing love but I don’t think coming to someone’s home and moving their stuff about and binning or removing items is very loving? Without talking to me about it first?
6. I did go no contact because I tried to talk to him about it before and he just didn’t get it. I have given him another chance but he’s not changed. I think if we are to have a relationship it would need to be where he doesn’t come to my home but he would probably still make comments about my car or my child and I don’t really want her to have the issues I have

If you are happy to be no contact then I'd pull him up on every single thing and let him go off and sulk. You are right to protect your child. I'd also get some counselling so that you can feel less affected by comments, but I do understand that comments from parents, who are supposed to be your biggest supporters, can get to you in a way few other things do. If you think you'd be happier overall do no contact. Have you tried saying straight out that you find all the criticism hurtful? That it makes you feel unloved? I think with DH's parents they don't see their children as people in their own right and as they have crippling low self esteem (and I suspect MIL is a sociopath/psychopath) all they can do is copy what those around then do, so they feel shame and panic if the grass isn't cut as their grass and their children's grass is a reflection of them.

It’s not helpful, it’s controlling and abusive. How on earth your husband puts up with it I don’t know, he must be a saint

My dad is like this but in a good way, I had a car issue and couldn't ring the garage as was at work and had lunch duty etc so I pinged him the problem,he rang the garage and got a selection of dates and the price for me to choose.

My dad does all my DIY, he loves to help and be useful, he'll find out exactly what I want, find out when I'm free or when I'm away whatever works best and will do it then.

However I'm a single parent, he doesn't work as has various physical and MH issues andit gives him great joy to be useful and do those things. I can do them myself or organized someone else but he likes it. He also does DIY and light gardening for his elderly / vulnerable neighbors. There is no stomping off or giving the silent treatment.

This^
yes, your dad still sees you as a child not as a capable grown up. It will gets worse and worse and the only way to stop it - is to stop it asap. E.g with car booking I would say no, I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t go. With a gardener I would play a big surprise and tell her that no, it’s my house ( garden) and I have no idea what she is talking about, I didn’t book you, sort it with him.
Dies he have your key? Consider taking it. If he says no, say I’ll change the locks and then CHANGE them. The key is yo be polite and follow through.
It means difficult conversations and maybe less help so you need to be prepared for this.
You need to find him a role in your life which doesn’t involve sorting you problems. It looks like he is bored and has nothing to do so relying on you to provide him something to be busy with which is not right.

When he's not here, you'll wish he was.
You'll miss him terribly.

For starters, change the locks, put padlocks on external gates.

Stop mentioning anything that might encourage him to "sort it"

When he overstep, and you point it out, wait out the tantrum. Breezily pretend it hasn't happened and crack on. If he's going to hold a grudge, give you the silent treatment over some low level rubbish this is not your problem to sort.

And take your husband out to dinner. Just because he is a saint.

Actually it’s not necessary. Please don’t put this burden on OP. Some people don’t understand how damaging this sort of attitude from parents might be. It might affect OP’s confidence, relationships with her partner/ child/ in laws. It is disrespectful not helpful, it doesn’t mean a loving parent - it often means interfering, controlling and difficult parent.

I think you'll be surprised how much consensus you'll get that this is not OK.

His boundaries around you are not where they should be, or where you want them to be. They need redrawing. You are an adult, you get to redraw them. Don't expect it to be easy though - expect resistance. But resistance won't mean that you are wrong or that you should stop.

A therapist could help you along with this is funds allow. Therapy tends to run in blocks of 6 sessions so it wouldn't necessarily cost thousands. Just one block might be worth a try.

This is not helpful, it's controlling.

My DD and her DH had a similar problem with his parents. The final straw came when they were on holiday and his parents sorted out my DD's clothes (making a pile of those they thought she should give to the charity shop), rehung their pictures in different places, and, unbelievably, installed a piano which DD and her DH had already made very clear they did not want because it would take up too much room in their small flat.

My DD was incandescent but tried to explain very gently and politely that this sort of behaviour was overstepping and unwelcome, although she appreciated it was done with good intentions. This was the cue for hysterics from the MIL followed by a period of NC from her. But it seemed to clear the air because 6 or 7 years later they are now able to coexist harmoniously, although MIL still makes snide remarks about my DD not welcoming any help.

You will have to establish boundaries with your father OP. He may be upset initially but, if he really loves you, he will have to come to terms with the fact that you are an independent adult.

There's always one.

OP can you stop him coming round? See him at a cafe or something, or only go to theirs? He has absolutely no respect for you and your home so you need to cut off his supply of things to complain about/do.

I'd change the way you communicate with him. Stop telling him things that need fixing and don't ask him to help anymore. If he tells you about something say "thank you for the reminder but it's sorted "
If he brings it up again say "did you forget, I already told you I sorted it "

Keep paperwork locked away and don't let him have a key to your home. Visit them and don't over share

I'll tell you something from the other perspective. I used to be the 'helpful' one and didn't understand why people didn't appreciate what I did for them. I used to be outraged that people wouldn't listen to me and do what I told them to do.

Then I went to therapy (for different issues) and my therapist told me two things that opened my eyes:

1. I was not helpful, my behaviour was controlling. I wasn't only trying to control every single element of my life, but I was trying to control everyone else too.
2. Offering to help when you're not being asked to can be perceived as aggressive behaviour. I was appalled to realise that anyone could perceive my behaviour as aggressive and from that day I have worked very hard to change it.

It sounds like your dad can't control his home life and can't help you mom, so he is trying to (maybe unconsciously) control your life by offering unwanted help.

I would speak to him and suggest therapy. He might be very upset by it, but he also might reflect and try to change.

I have worked very hard to change my controlling tendencies and I try my very best to not 'help' unless I am being asked to.

Put in place proper boundaries. No means no.

Lock your doors, including garden door.

Don't mention any jobs that need doing.

Oh my god my dad is like this. When I lived at home he’d open my bank statements to check I wasn’t getting in debt.
He’d also come round my house and do my garden while I was on holiday.
Since I’ve had a partner he’s stopped but I always appreciated it but like… why are you round my house ?! Privacy ! Have you said anything ?

He is seriously infantalizing you. A crucial part of parenting is teaching your child to cope in the world, and then backing off to let them do exactly that. He is not parenting, he is overparenting. It may well be an expression of love but I feel this has far, far more to do with meeting his own needs, not yours. Its time for him to get busier in his own life and not involving himself so much in yours. I feel you need a very clear and blunt conversation with him.

For a start, stop mentioning to him that things need to be fixed or that you want something done like the pond put in.
My dad doesn’t visit me that often but when he does he usually brings a screwdriver or a drill. I appreciate him doing small diy jobs like bleeding the radiators or something but if I gave him free rein I know what would happen because my mam lets him have free rein in her house. He has broken stuff, made stuff worse instead of fixing it and does random stuff like putting hooks up all over the kitchen just because he’s bored. He has no concept of privacy, opens post that doesn’t belong to him etc. He won’t stop at something until it’s “perfect “ and is a bit obsessive about things being level..anyway, rant over. I never, ever breathe a word about anything needing doing in his earshot, you should do the same. Other than that I’m afraid I don’t have any advice other than you’ll have to put your foot down.

I agree with pps who say this is a control thing as my mum can be like this too. Apparently 'helping' but with things I do not need or want help with. It's very annoying and I find the only way is to minimise the opportunity for her to do these things.

Your dad sounds lovely. Mine was like that, would do anything for you if asked.

As I said I can’t even talk to him about these things because he will storm off and give me the silent treatment

This sounds like a win

Why does this concern you?

Yeah I think I’ll stop mentioning things, but sometimes I won’t mention things at all, he will. For example every time he visits my home he points out something that’s wrong or needs sorted (and sometimes it’s really nothing like the grass is 5cm long or my car has a bit of bird poo on it!). This means whenever I know my dad is coming to visit (he used to come unannounced but I put a stop to that, one time he showed up unannounced and let himself in and sat in my living room whilst my husband and were upstairs and had no idea he was in our home) I feel anxious as I feel I need to tidy up so that he won’t criticise me but it’s useless cos he’ll always find something even if I had a show home.

for the pond this was something I thought we could do together as we both enjoy gardening and I thought it would be nice but he went off and did it by himself when that wasn’t what we planned.

I mean other than these issues we are like best friends but this is causing me so much stress and hassle that it’s affecting our relationship

Your dad sounds very supportive. With mine and the car it’s more non emergency stuff so like he knows when my mot is due so every year he will pester me asking if I’ve booked it. Then when I do book it, he phones up the garage and asks them to do extra stuff and they end up getting confused and it meant one year my mot wasn’t done. So it’s like stop getting involved? Like does he think I’m so stupid I can’t make a phone call? I have two degrees and I just don’t get it, nothing I do is good enough

I stopped inviting my inlaws to stay when they decided our garden needed working on and spent an entire hot afternoon doing it. They rarely saw the grandchildren and it would have been so much nicer if they could have just sat and spent time with them instead of doing work in the garden which would have got done eventually. DH and I were well into our 40s at the time!!

Why does he know what garage you booked? Is there one garage locally?

Tell him you're a grown up and you'll sort your own MOT and that you won't be telling where you're getting the MOT done.