To think that my ex should have told me he was introducing our 2 year old to his new partner?

[Butterfly757]

I have a two year old DD with my ex. Had no idea he was in a relationship until my daughter started being dropped home in a woman's car who I have now found out is his girlfriend. Obviously have no issue with him being in a relationship but just feeling pissed off that I wasn't made aware out of courtesy that this woman would be in my child's life and she would be dropping her home. AIBU?

You trusted his judgement enough to have a child with him so then you would have to trust him with this

Sorry, OP, during his contact time there’s not much get a say about. If he has a girlfriend she’s bound to meet your toddler,

What would you have said if he had told you first though?

It's annoying, but I don't think there I'd much you can do to stop it

Annoying, yes, but ultimately outside of your control.

I don't have an issue with her meeting DD, just a bit annoying that the first I knew of this woman was when she rocked up at my house dropping my daughter home. It's also I worry that I know nothing about her so have no idea what kind of person is around my toddler every week

In the same way that he can make no demands or expectations over you dating and who you involve in your child’s life, nor can you with him.

I haven't made any demands, just saying it would have been nice to be made aware instead of having some random woman show up to my house

My ex did this to me too. It’s really upsetting. He did eventually tell me as he’s moved I. With her.

in the best interests of the child I think you should write to him saying in the future it would be great if you can both agree to give each other the heads up as it puts the child in an awkward situation not knowing if the other parent knows - it’s nicer for them to know that their other parents knows and is fine with it.

in terms of who is around your child though - let that go- just like you don’t know all the nursery staff and you don’t know all his friends.

Of course he should have told you so that you know who’s the person driving your child back to your home. That must have been strange having to receive your child back from an unknown person.

YANBU OP. Your feelings are totally valid.

How long have they been together?

It is natural to feel uncomfortable, but even if he told you, you are not going to know “what kind of person” she is as you won’t have much contact with her anyway.

You are going to have to trust your ex on it.

Thank you for understanding and not making me feel like I'm totally crazy. 😂

No idea how long they've been together tbh!

Your feelings are totally valid but unfortunately, when you are not with someone and they have contact, you have no say over who they’re with and what they do.

Bite your tongue but I know it’s hard!

Absolutely none of your business and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Yes it would have been courteous for him to tell you his girlfriend would be dropping her home but unfortunately he is under no obligation to let you know. You don't get to choose who is around your DD when she is with her father, just as he has no say in your choice of boyfriend or friend. You have to trust that her father would not allow someone unsuitable around his child, just as you wouldn't.

I think some PP's are missing the point of my post. I'm getting lots of replies saying I have no say over his relationships and who he chooses to have around our child. I know that. I never said that I had any issue with this. My issue is having an unknown woman arrive at my house with my daughter. Wouldn't it have just been common decency for him to send me a text saying something like 'hi, x will be dropping home DD today'

Just to add I am in a relationship myself and made him aware of this

I do think it's polite, and also just a good idea, to let the other parent know if this person will be doing practical things like driving the child home. And for that matter, if he had a friend drive her home, I'd think a text giving a heads up would be good.

I agree with pp that to a large extent you have to just trust your ex will make good decisions about people. But it would just smooth things over to have a bit of communication. Avoiding the "who are you and why do you have my child" "Oh, I'm the new gf." Which seems a bit unfair to the gf as well.

I've always said a child shouldn't meet a new partner till been together 6mths

As May split up

Don't want them meeting lots of possibly step parents then fizzle out a couple of months later

Yes he should have told you

1. met someone

2. wants them to meet your son

You’re not totally crazy at all.

I think whenever a couple splits and they start seeing other people, wether it be the mother or father, needs to have an adult conversation with the other parent. “Hi X, I’ve met someone, we’ve been together X months now and think it’s time to introduce them to DC”.

I know it’s not always as black and white as this and some parents can be spiteful, there can be custody battles, feelings still involved etc.

But I think it’s in the best interest of the child that both parents know exactly who will be in their child’s immediate set up and home life.

If this woman is staying over in a house with the OP’s very young daughter (could be a potential step mother) then it’s absolutely her business.

As it’s absolutely OP’s ex’s business if the OP meets another man and will be having contact with her very young daughter.

Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Alfie Phillips, Jacob Crouch, Lola James… ring any bells people?

A healthy co-parenting relationship will include communication and coordination between both parents.

Technically, as people like to point out, he is not obligated to tell you.

However, being kept in the dark then surprised with big news/changes does not instill trust in either side.

Ignore some of these weird answers, yes it very normal to tell your ex before you introduce someone new in your life. Part of being a co-parent.

wind him up, tell him your moving your new man in next week. When he goes wtf you can explain how you feel that he didn’t give even you a heads up that he was introducing someone. Tell him when the time comes that you want to intro a man to your kid you will give him a heads up because that’s what good co parents do and because that is what’s best for your daughter. Role model what good behaviour looks like, always take the high road.

Do you mean that your ex wasn't there for drop off? Just your child and the girlfriend?

My ex did tell me when he was seeing someone. I did appreciate that, but I absolutely know he didn't owe me it.

However, arranging for a complete stranger to rock up at my door with my two year old with no warning would have been a complete piss take.

It sounds like it was just the new gf dropping off your toddler, if that’s the case I would have been pissed!! Stranger rocking up to my door, no clue in the slightest! He should of at least dropped you a message letting you know at the bare minimum