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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be totally jealous about my friend having so much family help?

35 replies

sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 08:37

Just having a rant so feel free to ignore me completely, in my defence I am pregnant and writing this on a gym ball as a chair is too sore for my SPD.

Saw a friend yesterday who has 3DC. She was telling me her Mum offered to take her DC overnight so she and her hubby could have a meal and stay over in a hotel then told her not to come back for them until 6pm the next day and to enjoy herself. Today she is taking her oldest DD and her friends to the cinema and her MIL is looking after her youngest DC. She also works p/t and her MIL looks after her DC as well. Her parents and her MIL actually want to spend time with their grandchildren and help the family out. She says she honestly couldn't be without them.

[envy

I know mine do nothing and I have accepted it but every so often it really gets to me. My Mum and MIL have never changed a nappy. If they visit it's more hassle than it's worth they sit on the sofa and have endless tea and food made for them. My Mum even spilled sugar on my floor when I was 7 months pregnant and stood and watched whilst I cleaned it up. MIL is the same comes to visit once a month but would never think of helping out. I know it's their time and GPs aren't obligated to help out but my Mum wouldn't even take DD1 to the toilet when she was potty training when I was sitting BFing DD2.

I feel it's our DC that will suffer as DP and I never get a break and it affects our relationship. Also unless it's the weekend and DP can look after the other DC I will never get one on one time to do things like that with the older one. I had to have a homebirth with DD2 as there was noone to look after DD1. They know I am crippled with SPD right now yet they would never think of doing anything for us. Makes me so sad that my DC don't have a good relationship with there GPs.

There thats my self indulgent rant over sorry I know theres loads of people on my position as well.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 08:41

Your friend is at the very, very lucky end of the spectrum on family help and you are at the very, very unlucky opposite end of the spectrum.

Of course you are envious. Who wouldn't be?

maidamess · 10/04/2008 08:46

I can completely empathise with your situation...but do you actually ASK for help? Or are you expecting them to know that you would like some ? Some people really do need it spelt out in letters 3 feet high. Next time your Mum or MIL comes, why not say 'could you pop the kettle on while I do XYZ...'?

They may be keen to help but unsure how if you look like you can cope.

My Mum is much more forthcoming with offfers of help when I let her know I am struggling with some things, but it takes a lot to let my pride down like that!

I may be barking up the wrong tree, but all the time you do look like you can do everything, they will not offer, some people just aren't like that!

numptysmummy · 10/04/2008 08:51

I know exactly how you feel. What makes it worse is we get told 'you had them,you look after them' - dh and his db spent every wkend with their gps and my gps just about brought me up. I have a ds who is 18 yrs younger than me and i had her most wkends til she was old enough to be left.Talk about short memory!

lulumama · 10/04/2008 08:53

YANBU to be envious, not at all

but don;t let it eat away at the relationship you have with your friend

agree that sometimes you have to explicitly ask for specific help though

TillyScoutsmum · 10/04/2008 08:53

Kitty - I feel your pain . My bf's mum has her dd every sunday night (they all go for lunch and bf and her hubby leave dd there in the afternoon and her mum has her overnight and looks after her the next day). They have every Sunday afternoon/night to themselves

Another friend has her mum living just down the road and when her ds was a baby, she would get her mum to come and look after him whilst she had a shower or packed the car up to go out or do anything. It was ridiculous.

We on the other hand, have "access" to 4 lots of gp's (both mine and dp's parents are divorced and remarried), so you would think we would have lots of potential help .... No - out of those 4, there is only really MIL who is willing and able to babysit/generally help out occasionally. If my mum comes round, I'm running around after her the whole time.

at the sugar thing though ..

YANBU

Dropdeadfred · 10/04/2008 08:55

I wouldn't even have them visit if they have so little regard for you!!! Sorry you're in that situation...do you have any friends in a similar situation that you could swap babysitting time with?

Saveme · 10/04/2008 08:57

Kitty have you got anyone else who can help you? Any friends or other family? Am worried how you will cope with three as two sounds so hard for you with just DP to help.

pinata · 10/04/2008 08:57

YANBU - i'm the same as you, and end up with people round here getting fed and watered while i run around like a blue a*sed fly

but as maidamess says, asking for help takes a lot of letting your pride down. i for one find it really hard, so i think they all just stop offering. MIL offered when DD was born but i turned it down - stupid with hindsight, as i hobbled about post c-section...

tigermoth · 10/04/2008 08:59

Have you tried telling your mother about your friend and her helpful family? I agree that perhaps they have not twigged how grateful you'd be if they helped more. Also they may feel unconfident that your children will be ok in their company without you.

The other thing (a bit more drastic) is to force the issue. Tell them you are really ill (and so is your dh) so they have to have your child for a day. Something along those lines anyway. Once they do it they may enjoy it more than they realise. Due to a crisis, my PILs looked after our oldest son when he was 5years old for a week. They thought he would be homesick but he loved it and so did they, and it was the start of a series of holidays with them.

Are you an only child? I take it your MIL and mum do not lavish attention on siblings and their offspring, otherwise that would be even worse!

I do sympathise. Although my oldest son (14)is now getting to an age where he can babysit, dh and I have had all those years with little day to day family help.(PILS live far away). Every school pick up and evening out childcare has been paid for by us. Over the years we must have spent thousands of pounds more on childcare compared to my friends with family backup .

Twiglett · 10/04/2008 09:03

hello I'm in your position

don't worry friends step in where family fears to tread eventually

Original poster
sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 09:05

Thanks for the replies we are SO used to it now we have accepted it but sometimes like yesterday it just smacks you in the face. I don't resent my friend in any way.

I don't have a great relationship with my Mum, I actually do not even like her as a person and some of the things she has done and said to me over the years are

If we go visit them (they are about an hour away from us) it's horrendous as well. I had to ask for a cup of tea and they do nothing with the DDs so DP and I have to run about after them so it's more hassle thatn it's worth. Basically my Mum is very lazy thats the route of it, looking after the DDs would involve her moving and making an effort and it is hard work as we all know.

I just find it hard sometimes as I know for certain that if any of my daughters told me they could hardly walk and had a 2 and 3yo to look after I would be at their house like a shot helping out, they would be on here saying "How can I tell my Mum to go home?"

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 09:08

if you want your dc to have a relationship with their gps that is perfectly possible without them necessarily looking after them. you could go to theirs or they could come to you once a week for dinner or something? you can go out on day trips to places and invite them along. when you go shopping or to the park or whatever you can ring them up and say we are doing this today, would you like to come along? it would be nice for the dc to spend some time with you.

AbbeyA · 10/04/2008 09:08

I do sympathise, I have been very lucky. Have you discussed it with them? Perhaps they don't want to interfere. There are plenty of threads on here where people don't want to the grandparents to have their DCs overnight, or even for the day and they take great exception to them helping in the house (seeing it as criticism, interference or nosiness).

Original poster
sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 09:11

I have said on several occasions about friends having family help and being able to work p/t etc. I have also phoned my Mum and called her a useless excuse for a Gran and my children don't even know who she is (she saw DD2 twice in 6 months) when I was fed up with it. She does say her best friend has always looking after her grandkids and I'll say lucky her.

Oh she has looked after DD1 about twice and gave her lucozade and porridge at 9 months old not to spoil her but to undermine me. Thats another thing she would do things to deliberately undermine me, she's warped like that.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 10/04/2008 09:12

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Elasticwoman · 10/04/2008 09:14

I was not sympathetic at first, but after I read the whole OP, I see you have a point.

Not being prepared to help with childcare when you were giving birth to No 2 is particularly hurtful - but did you ask them?

Sounds like you are expecting them to see what help you need and to offer it, and yes, most gps would do that. I wonder whether they understand about SPD for example.

Maybe it's time for you to be more upfront about needing help - not "other people get help so why don't I?" but "I need help because I have SPD/other difficulties, what help can you offer?". If you put it as an open question, rather than Can you do this - yes or no question, you might get a more positive answer.

Sorry you have to deal with it like this. Of course we don't know your ps and pils' circumstances, but most gps are more forthcoming with offers of help, you are right.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 09:15

nappyaddict - I don't really want them helping out all the time but why have they never said "why don't you and DP go for a coffee and we will look after the DDs for an hour" because it requires effort. Last year my Mum was up and DD1 said "Gran come and look at my new tree house (wee playhouse thing at the end of the garden) and she said no I can't be bothered. She won't come up and visit as she says theres no one to look after her dogs (untrue) and she's not a good traveller.

In her twisted mind she would love for me to phone her up and say I needed help so she could tell everyone what a wonderful Gran she was and how I needed her help all the time.

Still her loss I have 2 (nearly 3) wonderful DDs and it's her thats losing out.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 09:16

sweetkitty - have you told your mum exactly what you'd like her to do? some people really do need the obvious pointing out to them.

sarah293 · 10/04/2008 09:16

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LilyMunster · 10/04/2008 09:18

aw SK, thats rough. they sound a total pita.

how do you feel about taking bock some of the control? instead of endless visits one way or the other which just mean more work for you, just Say NO. 'sorry mum, i cont be bothered to come to you. its more effort than its worth tbh. its really hard work for me to drag the dc over to yours and since i have to do every-sodding-thing when im there, its just too much work for me.'
and 'hey, you know what? im in a lot of pain atm, do you think you can give me some practical help and come and take care of the dc for a day this week?' then if she says no, you are even more justified in saying 'sorry, but unless you feel you can help, i cant manage your visits.'

twigletts right - you need to build up a network of friends to fill in where family does not. my mum and dad moved to the area we grew up in specifically for the sense of community they found there... built up freindships and relationships which feel more like family than most extended family relationships to me.

sorry your spd is giving you hell again . when are you due?
(nappiesgalore)

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 09:18

if she says she not good at travelling and you want your dc to see them i think you might need to be the bigger person and take your dc to them. both sets of my grandparents won't come here to see ds cos they don't get on with my mum. i could say fine that's it don't bother seeing him then if you can't be bothered, but i don't. every week we go over not only cos i want them to see ds, but cos i'd quite like to see them too.

Rubyrubyruby · 10/04/2008 09:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 10/04/2008 09:20

Riven - how terrible for you to have a terminally ill child, and lack support from the gps. Do you have any support from friends and neighbours?

Why was it you and not your dh who rang his mother, btw?

trefusis · 10/04/2008 09:21

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 09:21

riven - thats awful

I agree you cannot make them offer more help though

It's not even a distance thing as we stayed in the same town (for 3 months)as both MIL and my Mum when DD1 was a baby and I was pregnant with DD2 and I thoguth great they will have some time to get to know DD1 and they never bothered them either.

I think I get so and when I realise that my Mum is just not a nice person. This is a woman who told me that it was for the best when I was mcing DB3 as 3 DC would be expensive and that even if DP was hitting me I should stay with him and not break up a family (he wasn't btw she was just saying that).

OP posts:
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