DH hasn't been interested in getting intimate since we had the baby.

[Summermum30]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some advice. My son just turned one, and since he’s been sleeping in his own room, I thought my husband and I might have more time for intimacy. However, it’s been tough for the last 18 months with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and everything else. My husband is a wonderful partner, really lively and loving, but lately, he’s been so busy with work. It feels like he’s lost interest in me physically. He still shows love in the ways he used to, just not physically like before we had our baby.

I’ve tried initiating a few times, but he hasn’t been responsive and makes excuses. We’ve talked about it a couple of times, but he doesn’t say much, just that he’s really tired after work and needs to sleep. He usually comes home, drinks a couple of beers, spends about an hour on his phone, and then goes to sleep.

I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to. If I don’t know what the issue is, how can I solve it? And he’s not opening up about it. Any advice on how to handle this or start a conversation that might lead to some answers?

Thanks so much for listening.

Don't have any advice but I hope other posters will be along soon to share some insight. You sound like a lovely person, op, I really hope everything works out for you.

He's either too knackered or scared of you getting pregnant again. Either is understandable.

Is he drinking every night?

Or Madonna/whore complex

@Hugesunflower He’s not drinking every night. He used to drink on weekends with mates , but yes, his drinking has increased. However, I wouldn’t say it’s troublesome. He usually drinks a couple of pints maybe twice a week

That’s sad op, but I don’t know what you can do really ? You need affection and the physical side of things to make the relationship work but hes not interested in that right now. You could give it time

He probably is tired from work

Plus alcohol x3 he's going to be shattered.

Porn may also be involved if he's had to make-do for the last several months, but we don't know.

He’s probably just knackered, but his job hasn’t really changed. He was always so keen before, always the one to initiate. I’m on Depo, so getting pregnant isn’t really an issue.

Well i would be a bit pissed off about being on Depo for nothing

Give it time but that has to have a limit

I think you have to communicate about this. Too tired every night is a sign there is something wrong with his health, no sex drive could be also something wrong healthwise. Needs to be sorted out either way unless you are planning to live without sex for the rest of your life.

Well, that’s the whole point, I’m getting frustrated too. What’s the point of me being on Depo? I’m thinking of stopping all contraception from my side anyway. I used to be on the pill before my pregnancy. After the baby, we discussed contraception options together. He’s never been keen on using condoms, so we decided to go with Depo.

He's your husband, you need to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly and openly about this. No more 'I'm just tired' from him. It's soul-destroying when your partner doesn't appear to want to have sex with you. Either you work through it together or the relationship is doomed.

I hate to say it, but could it be an affair? I only say this because you mention him being on his phone all evening (alongside rejecting your advances).

I would go out for the night with your friends , have a bit of space.

I actually think it's not uncommon. You're both knackered, no time for yourselves etc etc.

I think relationships have dry periods and after a baby is one of those times.

Isnt being tired a legitimate reason?

I’m really hoping this is just a dry spell, just a phase. I’m not sure how I’ve managed both emotionally and financially over the last two years. I’ve put so much into having a baby and, in the process, I’ve really sacrificed my career.

Can you not ask him why he won't shag you?

He's your husband if you can't pin him down and force it out of him then there's a lot more wrong.

OP you say he gets home from work then after some beers and an hour on his phone goes to bed. What time does he get home from work?

A baby is exhausting and it sounds like he works very long hours. Sometimes you can just fall out of the habit. Have either of you tried reconnecting? Meaningful conversation, hugging, hand holding, kissing, intimacy.

No guarantees but I suspect he’s probably just absolutely knackered and out of the habit if it’s been a while. I don’t think the drinking sounds problematic but it won’t help with the tiredness. You need to have a conversation to get to the bottom of it.

There isn't much you can do until he starts being honest. I'd sit him down again, at a weekend when the baby is napping and say you know it's uncomfortable for him to talk about but you also know that there is more to it, and that when he doesn't provide any proper explanations then it's really hurtful and your mind will start coming up with its own conclusions. He can't be too tired all the time. Something else has changed and you deserve to understand why, even if its something hurtful. Hopefully he has enough respect for you and your relationship to tell you the truth

It's a tough one. Some men just don't view their wives in the same way after having a baby aka your a mum now, not a sex goddess (although, ofcourse you are and can be both!).

You need to have an open, honest chat. Sex isn't the be all & end all in a relationship (but by golly, by jeez, by jingo, its FUN) however, it's a great way to feel connected etc.

Was he at the birth? Some men can't cope with witnessing that and go off sex.

You 100% have to talk about this. Saying “I’m just tired” is not a conversation. Let him know you aren’t ready for that part of your relationship to be over forever. What does he think will help him be more in the mood? What helps him feel the mood? Sexy texts during the day. Mentioning when he gets home you’d like romance later. You can start to do 5 min massages of each other. It helps with connecting.

Perhaps let him know you can wait for sex until he’s in the mood but let him know what you need to feel better… lots of cuddles in bed, his telling you your attractive. Ask him what outfit of yours he likes best, talk about sexy things you’ve done in the past.