DH hasn't been interested in getting intimate since we had the baby.

[Summermum30]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some advice. My son just turned one, and since he’s been sleeping in his own room, I thought my husband and I might have more time for intimacy. However, it’s been tough for the last 18 months with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and everything else. My husband is a wonderful partner, really lively and loving, but lately, he’s been so busy with work. It feels like he’s lost interest in me physically. He still shows love in the ways he used to, just not physically like before we had our baby.

I’ve tried initiating a few times, but he hasn’t been responsive and makes excuses. We’ve talked about it a couple of times, but he doesn’t say much, just that he’s really tired after work and needs to sleep. He usually comes home, drinks a couple of beers, spends about an hour on his phone, and then goes to sleep.

I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to. If I don’t know what the issue is, how can I solve it? And he’s not opening up about it. Any advice on how to handle this or start a conversation that might lead to some answers?

Thanks so much for listening.

Thanks for your comments. Just as I’m typing this, he’s nodded off already, leaving a peck on my cheek, no hard feelings at all. This has been the routine for a while. I even mentioned our honeymoon to try and rekindle things, but all I got was the typical “we really need a holiday” reply.

Me too, OP. Started going off it when I was pregnant with my first, I think he was worried. Long dry spell after the second. Had my third 16 months ago and not a sniff at a shag. He says it's because he's so afraid of another baby (third an accident) but he wouldn't while I was pregnant either so not sure I think that's the whole story.

I think the tiredness is a true reason but I also think there's more to it - presumably I'm not as attractive as I was. Makes you feel like you've just been used for children though doesn't it.

@TotHappy Exactly, that’s just what I’m going through. I keep wondering if I’m not attractive anymore, even though I’m the same girl he used to be all over.

I honestly think my DH just can't be bothered. He really struggles with the children, meeting their needs, balancing their emotions. Then when night comes he doesn't want to have to think about me or make any effort. And the longer we go without the more effort he feels he'd have to make (which is true - at this point I'm not up for a quickie! It's a 3 hour session or at LEAST one daily quickie to top me up!)

Just wanted to say a massive thanks for all the advice and support—it really means a lot. Normally, he's the one who initiates intimacy, but now it's me trying to make the first move. Sometimes I worry about coming off as too desperate or forward since I've always been a bit reserved. I’m thinking of having another heart-to-heart with him. As for the involvement of porn, I can't completely rule it out. Deep down, I feel if that's the issue, it's minor and something we can overcome.

Doesn’t sounds like that’s the cause then.

Sounds like he is really tired. Could it be just parent of small child tired or maybe he see the GP.

I’ve just had a baby & we had no sex for a couple weeks before birth. My partner works 11 hours, 6 days a week: We are both tired but he holds my hand sometimes in bed as we go to sleep, or hugs me from behind and kisses my cheek. Those gestures mean so much.

He also tells me I’m sexy (often when my boobs are out for breastfeeding). There is a lot beside sex that can make a woman feel attractive & desirable. Helps as otherwise it can feel like roommates.

Talk about doing some of that.

@CollsR Thanks for your comment! I totally agree that small things like touching and caressing feel so lovely and reassuring—it's nice to feel wanted and attractive, isn't it? I'm just thinking it might be a phase and will be over soon. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

@Summermum30 I don’t think you’re overthinking it. And if you are, you are allowed to overthink this.

Men can be stupid. They tend to have a single track mind & finish task 1, then do task 2. When things are busy and tiring, they don’t easily get hints. Think about what you’d like and directly tell him or just do it. Hold his hand in bed. Tell him I know you’re too tired for sex, but I’m feeling disconnected from you and need some affection. Can you give me a two minute back massage and I’ll return the favour tomorrow. Little bit of effort from you both will give good rewards later.

Even just little kisses on the cheek.

This. Also men struggle with post natal depression too, my husband certainly did

It’s definitely worth a chat OP, I had my baby 11 weeks ago now and other than the first 6 weeks (episiotomy) we have been intimate. It’s an important part of our relationship and I would really miss it so I do really feel for you x

Thanks, everyone, for the great advice and for giving me a bit of reassurance as well! I can honestly say we had a good chat and I ended up having a lovely time last night, feeling really happy. 😊 Fingers crossed 🤞 it all keeps going this way and his fire doesn't die down! 🔥