Family leaving one DC out

[MixedFeelingsDontKnowWhatToDo]

I have been a single parent for the last 6 1/2 years. No contact with DC father due to DV, he isnt allowed to contact or communicate with the children. DC are 9 and 7

I'd fell out with my mum not long before I left the relationship and we got back in touch around 18 months ago, maybe 2 years

During this time she clearly favours my DD ( she had all daughters no sons and hates men/ boys )

This last year my DD has been on 2 holidays with family but my son hasnt. She has had several sleep overs at their houses, my son has not

I have said repeatedly during this time about them leaving my son out, and recently my sister had said it was because she didnt think she could meet his needs like I could

Today I spoke to my mum about leaving him out and said how much it hurt his feelings and mine ( she had spoke about DD sleeping at hers in the holidays) and asked if he could stay at her house just the once so she could see what he was like when I wasnt there. She said a lot of words but the answer was no and said to ask my sister

They asked all of us to go on holiday next year and when I said I wasnt sure they asked if they could add just DD to it then

I'm so torn. DD has such a nice time with them, she really does. She is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment and I know she has such a lovely time with them

DS is on the neuro pathway for a few different reasons but nothing "major"

Out of both of the kids he is the more easy going, he just get angry now and then but so does my DD

I am so angry and upset that they dont want to spend time with DS. He only has me, DD gets so much more support and time away. They have said that he has a nice time with me but I have said I only make such a massive effort with him because they leave him out so much, so of course I try to make it so he has fun. It's a vicious cycle because the more they leave him out the more I tey to make it up to him

I feel like saying you cant have a relationship with one and not the other, but at the same time my DD enjoys it and needs the support off other people ( she really struggles socially with kids her own age and prefers spending time with adults )

I am so sad for DS. He is such a nice happy boy, I dont know why they dont like him or find him hard work. I think DD is a lot more hard work than him

I dont want to take the support and nice times away from my DD but at the same time I dont want DS to keep being left out. I've asked them both to spend one to one with him and they wont,

I honestly dont know what to do, I'm just so hurt and upset for him. Hes such a nice little boy

Gosh OP, you have every right to be upset. Your DS is deliberately being excluded and that is severely damaging. Your mum is being completely unkind and unreasonable. I find it astonishing that she cannot see how her behaviour is extremely detrimental to your son. I appreciate that your daughter has a lovely time with your mum but if your mum isn't going to see reason, I think that you will need to retract your daughter spending time with her. This isn't about holding your mum to ransom; it's about not damaging your son which it clearly will in the long term. Take care of yourself

I would say "No, you can't spend time with one of my children while avoiding the other", and I also wouldn't let them have time alone with the children since you know they have a poor attitude towards one.

Preserve sibling relationships and stop the special treatment.. I spoke to my dm once about this. It stopped.

I could have written this post several years ago @MixedFeelingsDontKnowWhatToDo . I tried everything to get them to treat them equally and finally put my foot down by saying do for both or neither, as I'm sure you've guessed they refused so they haven't seen my dc in years and it's 1 of many reasons I went NC, unfortunately the difference in the treatment caused a breakdown in the sibling relationship between my dc (it was always strained due to a 8 year age gap) and even after years and 1 being an adult and the other only a little off adulthood it hasn't improved.
Please don't fall into the same trap I did and stop this playing favourite now, as you are harming both of your dc by allowing this to happen you are telling your ds that he isn't good enough by allowing this

Put your foot down. It’s both or neither.

You need to put a stop to this now. Your DS will grow to resent his sister and the special treatment she gets.
I can't imagine how hurtful this must be for you and your DS. Explain the situation to your DD and how hurtful unfair it is.
Explain to your family that they both get the same treatment or they won't see either of them.

This ... I know you probably want your daughter to have a relationship with her, but not to the determent of your poor DS, I would not allow this at all.

There is no way I would allow favouritism like that. How detrimental to your son. There is no right answer but I have a son and daughter and if my parents wouldn’t treat them the same they would have neither. Only because it shows you have equal respect for your children.

Your daughter may have a lovely relationship with her extended family but that may very well end up being at the expense of her relationship with her brother. And even her brother's relationship with you - if he perceives you to be complicit in this unfairness, @MixedFeelingsDontKnowWhatToDo.

I wouldn't ever have allowed them to start just having one and not the other. No chance. Either both or neither.

Treating children the same is not fair if they have different needs. Your daughter is treated by the family without her brother. How often are her needs put to one side at home because of her brother's special needs?

How about you let your daughter do family stuff and treat this as special time with your son to do stuff he likes without his sister around? This could apply to any brother and sister ..

Oh OP your poor DS. This needs to stop now, he is going to end up resenting (hating) his sister and even you, why would even entertain this abhorrent behaviour and treatment towards your own child. You need to say both or neither and stick to your guns when the moaning and whinging starts from your daughter and mother.

Terrible situation.

No way I'd let DD go without DS - DD may have fun but just imagine how DS will feel. His sadness will way outweigh her fun.

Plus your family need to learn - keep on repeat - both need to be involved.

The dd is autistic too?

It will be detrimental to both children, OP. It will create resentment and a wedge between them. It will also impact both their relationships with you. I say this as the favourite child of a grandparent, and the impact continues in our forties.

You have a responsibility to both dc to stop tolerating unequal treatment and favouritism.

If you allow this to continue you will destroy your relationship with your son, who will see you didn't stick up for him, and your children's relationship with each other. You need to put some boundaries in place.

Why you’ve allowed this so far is beyond me . I have a son with autism. I would NEVER ever let someone leave one of my children out. Ever.

You’re sad for your son but you’re the one who let a child quite old enough to see what was going on, go on two holidays without him.

You’re the problem here.

The best gift you can give your children is a strong relationship between them. This is the relationship you need to be nurturing. You are instead allowing your toxic family to destroy it. Because the resentment will build and the damage will be irrepairable.

I wouldn’t allow either of them to see them alone, if you persuade them into taking your DS they may treat him differently and it will be obvious who the favourite is anyway. If you want to maintain contact give them one last chance. Tell them you will come to see them with both children and you expect them to be treated exactly the same, if you see any favouritism leave and go NC. No more sleepovers or holidays for either.

Tell them from now on the kids take it in turns, starting with your son. If they're not able to do that then there's no more to be said

Its not fair and while it's ok now, kids get older and get resentful at being left out.

I'd tell them very plainly the DC both go or none go. If they think having both together would be too much I'd say take in turns. I wouldn't allow my ds to be excluded when he has done nothing wrong. My MiL from first marriage used to knit my DD lots of pretty jumpers. I commented that D's would like one too. DD actually got 3 new jumpers arrive on DS's second birthday, including a My Little Pony one with a mane of hair on the front. Nothing for DS not even a card. I sent them back and did not accept any more for DD.

I'm afraid I wouldn't let any of them have my Daughter if they excluded my son, they're spiteful and pathetic and they know they are and I'd shun the nasty arseholes, your Son is more important than them.

You’ve been put in a really impossible position. You understandably need and want your family in your children’s lives, especially since they don’t have contact with their dad’s side. I also wonder how your daughter views this arrangement. Does she feel like she is the one getting a treat or does she think she is being shipped off to the relatives so you can have special time with her brother. Kids come to some funny conclusions. The only way is to treat them as evenly as possible, and even then they will think the other one for a better deal.
My mum made a bigger fuss of my sister (lavish parties and presents, first choice of everything) because she has autism and was lonely and bullied at school. I felt poorly done by as a child and resented my sister. It’s only now I’m a parent myself that I understand why my mum acted like that. It’s heartbreaking if your child is struggling and left out so you compensate, which is what you are doing with your son. Your daughter gets the family time but not the special mum time.

None of this is your fault. Your family has put you in this position. As others have said, treating them equally is the only way to avoid resentment in the future and preserve their relationship. I’m

You have to treat your children fairly or tell them why in an age appropriate way. As it stands I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter doesn't think she's being sent away so you can put all your effort in to your son as he's the favourite. If you don't think you can do this with your family acting the way you are you need to change something.