Family leaving one DC out

[MixedFeelingsDontKnowWhatToDo]

I have been a single parent for the last 6 1/2 years. No contact with DC father due to DV, he isnt allowed to contact or communicate with the children. DC are 9 and 7

I'd fell out with my mum not long before I left the relationship and we got back in touch around 18 months ago, maybe 2 years

During this time she clearly favours my DD ( she had all daughters no sons and hates men/ boys )

This last year my DD has been on 2 holidays with family but my son hasnt. She has had several sleep overs at their houses, my son has not

I have said repeatedly during this time about them leaving my son out, and recently my sister had said it was because she didnt think she could meet his needs like I could

Today I spoke to my mum about leaving him out and said how much it hurt his feelings and mine ( she had spoke about DD sleeping at hers in the holidays) and asked if he could stay at her house just the once so she could see what he was like when I wasnt there. She said a lot of words but the answer was no and said to ask my sister

They asked all of us to go on holiday next year and when I said I wasnt sure they asked if they could add just DD to it then

I'm so torn. DD has such a nice time with them, she really does. She is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment and I know she has such a lovely time with them

DS is on the neuro pathway for a few different reasons but nothing "major"

Out of both of the kids he is the more easy going, he just get angry now and then but so does my DD

I am so angry and upset that they dont want to spend time with DS. He only has me, DD gets so much more support and time away. They have said that he has a nice time with me but I have said I only make such a massive effort with him because they leave him out so much, so of course I try to make it so he has fun. It's a vicious cycle because the more they leave him out the more I tey to make it up to him

I feel like saying you cant have a relationship with one and not the other, but at the same time my DD enjoys it and needs the support off other people ( she really struggles socially with kids her own age and prefers spending time with adults )

I am so sad for DS. He is such a nice happy boy, I dont know why they dont like him or find him hard work. I think DD is a lot more hard work than him

I dont want to take the support and nice times away from my DD but at the same time I dont want DS to keep being left out. I've asked them both to spend one to one with him and they wont,

I honestly dont know what to do, I'm just so hurt and upset for him. Hes such a nice little boy

Stop DD going. This will damage their sibling relationship if you let it continue.

This is detrimental for both children, not just your DS. It is harmful for her to see herself being treated more favourably than her brother and not understand why.

While your DD benefits from the relationship with your family it will harm her relationship with your DS. Without being harsh we all hope our children will outlast us so there will hopefully come a time when your DD and DS will need each other so I would not do anything that would jeopardise that relationship. You tell your family it is both or neither and stick with it.

Do you ever do anything with your mum and sis and the children, how do they treat your son on these occasions when you are there?

@MixedFeelingsDontKnowWhatToDo I'd not want people like that around either of my kids. The example they are setting for your DD is awful and the way they've treated your DS is cruel . You're not taking anything away from your DD by stopping this nonsense you're showing her it's not acceptable to exclude and by unkind to others and your showing your ds that he has a strong ally in you.x

I cannot believe you have enabled them to treat your poor little boy like this. Shame on you OP.

This. No ultimatums, if you need to do that to get them to be kind then they are not fit to look after either of your kids.

You know your mother better than we do, is there any way you could win her round. Perhaps organise a few outings with both children, something active like a playground or swimming. Then perhaps send your DD on a playdate, so it's just you your mum and your son. Instead of pushing for a sleepover, maybe suggest she has him over for afternoon tea or to watch his favourite television programme/film. That way she can get to know your son and bond with him naturally.

There is no way I would allow such blatant favoritism and it must be heartbreaking for you and your son, however it would be a shame to go NC with your mum before trying all the options.

Good luck OP

Sorry but I wouldn't be letting this continue, you will create a distance, resentment between your children as they grow up. They either have both children or neither. Whether you feel your daughter misses out or not on a lovely time, your son will always miss me out and could potentially effect his mental health, maybe not now but as he gets older and starts putting things together.

I would tell them they can treat them both fairly or not bother with either of them. You shouldn’t allow your son to see such a difference being made between him and his sister.

I know there’s lots of comments around insisting your family have both children or neither, but I’d be concerned if they hold that much animosity towards your son, that if they did look after him their behaviour towards him would cause more damage than if he’d been left at home!

I would have been very unhappy as a child if I had been excluded like this.

I remember feeling left out when I was 6 and my 18yo sister went on days out! I understood she got to do things because she was older but I still tried hard to be included.

How much worse for your DS

This could cause a rift between your children as they get older. Nip it in the bud now.

Well you are to blame for this. You allowed her to go on TWO holidays with them while your ds stayed back. How on earth can complain about them when you completely allowed them to do that?
There's nothing to feel torn about here. Your dm didn't contact you or the kids for YEARS after a traumatic separation and they when they finally appear they do something so horrible to children who already have to deal with so much, you think these are good people to have in your kids lives? Have a word with yourself really, I can't believe have allowed this for so long.

Exactly!!!!

This kind of shit went on in my family decades ago; the wounds cut deep and last to this day. It corrodes self esteem and relationships between siblings. Your DS is left with no family from this dynamic and it may well harm your DD too.

Better to be loved and secure in a tiny nuclear family than damaged by toxic extended family dynamics.

Create firm boundaries about fairness and uphold them

You’re allowing it by allowing DD to go alone. If they aren’t willing to treat both the same then neither go. Do you not think how your son feels when his sister is going on holidays and sleepovers?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. This will have an impact on both your children. Your son will see the favouritism for his sister, your daughter will see you spending lots if quality 1 on 1 time with your son which she does not get with you. You need to reclaim your daughter. They can't keep taking her away and leaving your son behind.

They’re unreasonable and frankly have harmful views but YOU are the one allowing and facilitating this. You could have entirely avoided it and the argument that you don’t want to deprive your daughter knowing your son misses out is lost on me because you could be giving them BOTH a good time by keeping them with you rather than your son seeing how worthless he is over and over again to your family. I agree you’re just putting a massive wedge between them as siblings and no doubt it’s going to impact your son’s self esteem.

Sorry but allowing this continue will hurt your son. It’s sad your daughter has to miss out but his relationship with his sister is more important.

put their relationship first and stop them seeing DD. Sorry but you’re also sending the message that you endorse this preferential treatment and they’ll both see this too.

it’s horrendous they’d treat them so differently like this. Your poor boy.

Why are you allowing this to happen OP? They are treating your son awfully and you are passively going along with it - why?