When I was in my late teens and in my early twenties men seemed so important in a way. I think I was very preoccupied with finding the love of my life and as a result I'd project so much onto random men. I so wanted them to like me, to find me attractive or to love me. Probably not much of this was apparent as I was also very shy and so mostly I was always analysing our interactions looking for signs they might like me or if I felt like they didn't I'd be beating myself up for being uncool, saying something stupid or being too fat and ugly when I was none of those things except maybe a bit stupid! I always thought that I needed to be thinner to be loved so I was always trying to get down from a size 12 to a size 8 and my motivation was always about being more attractive to men.
Now I look back on that time and I am just amazed that I put these men on such a pedestal! Some were nice enough men but still just average blokes but others were pretty awful with drug habits, had never worked, didn't wash or were just unkind people. I don't know why but some part of me just felt like a man was the answer, like they had some secret to life and that I just had to find the right man to learn it. I just wish I could go back and tell younger me to give it rest and just forget about men for a bit.
Even male friends I've known for years I used to think they were so cool and clever but now its like I see them for what they are just average men with a bit of an over inflated ego turning into grumpy middle aged blokes.
I am married now, to a man I thankfully met when I was a lot more emotionally mature and it is a happy marriage so I don't hate men but I don't think they are that special or important either and I do wish I had not put such stock in them and their opinions of me or anything else for that matter during my younger years, I could had so much more fun! I probably had very low self esteem at that age and was always looking for approval but I think it was to some extent cultural as well.