Would you risk your child's safety for their academic career?

[ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat]

In my last year before exams I had a highly respectable, very successful maths tutor(also a uni professor). He was hand picked by my mum based on his reputation, success and the fact that most of his clients were children of doctors,lawyers etc.

Long story short, he sexually assaulted me. Never mind learning and achieving, it just fucked me up that little bit more. I told mum and her reaction was deplorable and basically made a joke of it all. I had to ring him pretending to be her and telling him I quit and find another teacher myself. Mum's excuse was that he was the best, she wanted the best for me bla bla fucking bla.

I carried anger and resentment for years after this but was starting to settle and even understood her reasoning to a point, until she let it slip that she fucking knew! She knew there were rumours about him being a predator, someone personally warned her not to send me there and she still fucking did. Her reasoning was that she didn't think he'd do anything to me because I wasn't his type (I was fat, and how the fuck would she know her type anyway?) so I'd be safe coupled with the same he was the best and I needed help and it was all for my education and my future career.

The irony is I'm a complete failure anyway.

So how far would you go/ How much would you ignore/risk for your child to get "the best" education. Is that ever a valid excuse?

This is so sad op, sorry you went through that. Your mother is the lowest of the low. I hope you go NC with her. All extra tutors come home under my watchful eye, or done in school.

I knew a woman years ago who was very talented musically, especially the violin.
Her parents couldn’t afford lessons. There was a local man who taught violin. He would sleep overnight in her bed in exchange for lessons.
As a 10 year old she didn’t know how wrong this was on so many levels.
As an adult she does.
He is long dead as are her parents

How awful. No of course no loving parent would do that.
You can still report this man.

That's awful OP. I'm so sorry. No, I wouldn't dream for a second of putting my child in that position. For me a huge part of education is mental wellbeing and happiness, results are a large part but not the whole picture.i don't know if that's a modern outlook but I'd never subject my child to what you were subjected to in a million years. Fuck the results.

As a parent, I wouldn't have taken that risk

Not too late to report to police now

My jaw just hit the floor but as someone who was groomed as a kid, I'm not surprised.

OP, I am so sorry you were not protected by your Mother and that the woman who was meant to have your back the most put you straight into the hands of a paedophile. Although she didn't commit the crime itself, she is 100% as much to blame as he is.

How awful OP. I’m really sorry. Your mum was completely out of order.

I moved countries, it's been 20 years and as unbelievable as this sounds, I don't even remember his name. I remember everything that happened , to the last detail,what I was wearing, what maths problem I was doing but I can't even remember his name. What a mess.

It is TOTALLY normal to forget details; your brain blocks them out.

I remember my abusers names and the place the abuse took place but other than that I remember no details which are helping to nail the bastards.

Please be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. You've forgotten his name because that's what you've needed to do to protect yourself.

This is terrible. My DH and his brother both went to a school where the head and another teacher were outed as horrific paedos. DH thinks his brother got molested by him. They are both really messed up, and DH dropped out of formal education at 15. He went on to be an FE teacher and music producer, and his brother works for the council.
So not like this posh school actually helped their careers or their lives, quite the opposite.
I moved schools as soon as the teachers started bullying me as a bereaved child. My mum would have done anything to keep me safe.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You’re not a mess OP. You have gone through the unthinkable and it could totally have been avoided. Neither are you a failure. You are incredibly brave.
I hope you can find some sort of peace in your life, even though you will never be over this. What a disgusting betrayal.

There's no acceptance at all of even possibly making a mistake,no apology. Just how she did her best, and wanted her best and all the sacrifices and opportunities I had. That it was love and care that drove it all (this is not even the only example of the shit show that was my childhood) . It's a total mind fuck.No acknowledgment of the traumas and difficulties I faced and the effect they could've had on my development , mental health ,academics etc. In her eyes she gave me x,y,z so the results should've been a,b,c regardless of anything else. They weren't, so everything was a waste of time/effort/money.

Logically I know and understand what you're all saying. I know it's not normal, I know I'd never do it.

Emotionally, it's a while different story. Especially when people from the outside see her as she sees herself, this amazing woman/mother , or most of the people I know can't relate because they have very normal,close,loving relationships with their parents so it always comes back to "but it's your mum", or "it was hard " or "you were a child you didn't understand all the hardships of being a mother" or whatever else. Tbh I don't often share the worst stuff, just in case it doesn't actually change the replies and that would hurt more.

Sorry.. total brain dump in that post.

I'm sorry you were abused here by both that tutor and by your mum. You didn't deserve that.

No, I would not put any child, let alone my own, in that position for the sake of academic success. That's fucked up.

Wow @grazingsheep I think I knew exactly the same young girl/violinist. Is she a professional musician in Sydney now? Was the violinist American?All the details are the same (sharing a bed with the child pupil, encouraged by the mother).
If not, then I know someone with exactly the same story. As a professional musician myself, sadly it doesn't really surprise me anymore. Grooming and abuse of young talented females students is absolutely rife in the progression; maybe less so now as a lot of worms are coming out of the woodwork and numerous historic cases have been brought. But still.

I assume she had a stern upbringing herself? There seems to be very little consideration or understanding of a child's emotional needs with her if you don't mind me saying?

That's horrific. Even more so if it's not the same person and there were several children used and abused in this way.

That's a totally warped idea of what 'the best' for a child is.

If she'd been that bothered about the tutoring then knowing the rumours wtf didn't she chaperone you?

@skipandwhistle
No. This was in Europe and she gave up music when she left school.

OP, I am so sorry you went through this and your mother is unable or unwilling to acknowledge this horrendous failure on her part to keep you safe. Maybe she had the privilege blindness of ‘it would never happen to me’ and therefore you by extension but that’s still no excuse.

The ‘they’re still your mum/dad’ etc. is absolute bollocks. Our parents should be the people we can trust and rely on most in life and it is gaslighting to suggest we should give them a pass for abuse or allowing abuse because they are still our parent. I wouldn’t expect your mum to change given her lack of responsibility but I wouldn’t blame you one bit for going NC for that alone.

Hang on - you're Mum sent you for 1-1 tutoring with a man she knew to be a paedo/predator because she didn't think he'd fancy you?!!

WT actual FUCK?!

That's the most deplorable parenting I've seen in a while.

I do hope you keep her at arms length, OP.

Dreadful.

The tutoring was at his house(sometimes with his wife in the kitchen and his kid in the livingroom watching telly). Since we were teens we didn't necessarily need chaperoning. We were in a group.Tbh , the circumstances are also unbelievable. Another reason why I wouldn't go to the police. Who would believe that.I tell the story sometimes and I seriously doubt myself, because it's so fucking unbelievable and outrageous that it can't have happened. I actually convinced myself it hadn't happened after the first time because it was so unbelievable my brain couldn't compute. It wasn't upset, it was the completely "should've been safe "set up. Then I went again and it happened again with more happening and I had to accept it as fact. That's when I finally told and stopped going. No idea how far it would've gone if I hadn't. I suppose the fact that I went again counted as "consent".It's the only thing that makes me give mum the benefit of the doubt, because despite the rumours and warning, it should've been safe. I should've been fucking safe.

Sorry , we cross posted. I added more detail. It wasn't 1:1. My mistake, should've explained better in my first post.

I'm so sorry, the fact you even think that way about it/are even asking, is so wrong. You were abused and worse still majorly let down by your mum. This is do fucked up, what an awful parent she is, none of this is your fault, Please get some counselling to help you deal with that. You poor thing.

You weren't looked after 💐

Oh OP that's just awful, all of it.

Please, please don't see yourself as 'giving consent' because you went back one more time - your mind and emotions would have been all over the place with what had already happened and when something is that 'off' it's normal to try and convince yourself that it didn't really happen, it's a coping mechanism. You acted so bravely in the face of abuse - you were the only one who did nothing wrong.

If reporting him would help you then do it. If it would not help then don't feel pressure to. Though you have blocked out his name as he had a reputation chances are others have reported him too and there may already be an ongoing investigation into him. But put yourself first with regards to that, if it would put too much strain on you don't feel obligated.

And if you haven't had counselling yet please do, you've carried this with you for so long, you deserve to offload all of this properly with the focus on you and your recovery from this trauma.