AIBU Asking women who have never had an orgasm (primary anorgasmia)

[MuchTooHotHere]

It's a few questions, not just one. I've copied this from Relationships in the hope of getting more traffic
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Although I'm an occasional user of MN, I've set up a new account for this. I'm not giving or asking for any explicit discussions. I did think about posting in AIBU for traffic, but hopefully this will get some readers.

I've never had one, ever, solo or partner. I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that. I'm fit, healthy, no medical issues, have has 2 long term relationships, not gay/bi, but am currently single (my own choice as I wanted to relocate for a career opportunity).

Anyone in the same boat as me? Any advice to share on these questions (as mentioned above I'm not looking for advice on new things to try, etc.)

My questions are:

1. Did this impact your relationship with your M partner? I think it did a little in my last relationship.

1. How did it make you feel about yourself? I'm generally happy with who I am, I'm conventionally considered attractive, very good career, etc. but this sometimes makes me feel as if I'm missing out or something is wrong or broken (but overall I am happy)

1. Am I alone with this problem? I know I can be, but it's something I've never heard from a friend in real life.

If you are in the same boat as me I thank you for any insights. This is not something I've discussed in real life.

Honestly never had one in my entire life. I have occasionally worried about it, but I figure it has never impacted a relationship.

I have just never told anyone.

at 40 I assume either all the sex I have had has just been a bit crap or I’m just not wired that way 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have kinda given up searching for the elusive “O”

@Nonverba thanks for your reply. I'd also posted in relationship section, with no reply. so I'm not alone!

It's very much a thing so you are not alone.

Can I ask though, out of curiosity. When you do have sex do you enjoy it? I'm sure most women would agree that they don't orgasm every single time they have sex, but that's not to say we don't enjoy it.

Is it both Clit and gspot that you can't orgasm? I can quite understand not being able to do one but not both, however I could be really niave.

Same here and I’m 50. For various reasons I realised after reading a BBC News article (I think) that I’m probably asexual too. I’m married with DC, and have never told a soul as no good will come of it.

@Greenislands Thanks so much. It's very helpful for me to have the experience of others in same situation.

This is me too. I also rarely experience physical arousal. I'm single by choice, but that's more to do with lifestyle choice than sex. I've been in LTR and once married, I 'went along' with sex as didn't hate it and I liked the intimacy. It was a lot of effort though which I also don't think I'd be bothered with now!!

Yes me too.
People on here talk about being horny and I genuinely don’t know how that feels. I assume it’s a feeling like being hungry/thirsty/tired? But not one I have ever experienced.
I sort of feel like I have missed out on something but not sure what. Not something you can talk about in real life.

People on here talk about being horny and I genuinely don’t know how that feels. I assume it’s a feeling like being hungry/thirsty/tired?

Yes, rather like that. A yearning. An itch that needs to be scratched! Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and sometimes it is prompted by seeing/being with a particular person.

Having said that, I haven’t felt it for years (having experienced it a lot as a younger woman).

Not entirely sure if I had an orgasm but if I did I didn't like it. Had uncontrollable sobbing after sex as I felt so overwhelmed. Never felt like that before or since.

I've always assumed I had crap sex but tbh I don't actually want sex, I want cuddles and kisses and strokes and hand holding. But these always lead to having sex. I'm divorced with two adult kids so it will never happen now.

I totally understand not orgasming with a partner as that requires a lot more skill from them and many other factors but you don't with a vibrator on clitoris?

It’s something you need to learn to do, it doesn’t just happen, you need to explore via masturbation and keep going until it feels good. Relaxation and curiously are key. Maybe look up some tips on Google on how to masturbate.

I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that

From the OP.

thanks @betterangels for clarify that.

I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that

And if you are in the same boat as me I thank you for any insights or perspectives for me, they likely would be very helpful for me!

Not for OP as she's not asking advice for this but to the others on here who may be interested, get a magic wand or a bullet.

But it’s not something you would try if you never get the urge.
Imagine living in a very hot country. Would you go out and buy a big thick winter coat just because you know people in other colder countries do?

Yes sorry wasn't meaning to give advice just to say I have in past found it very hard with a partner but easy with myself

Late 50s here, and finally managed to orgasm about 5 years ago with a vibrator. I still can’t orgasm without one and can’t do it reliably with.

To answer your questions:

1. I’ve been happily married to the same man for decades. I enjoy the closeness of sex even without an orgasm.
2. I’m also happy with who I am, but I do sometimes feel a bit sad about missing out. And yes, I do feel a bit broken.
3. No, we’re not alone! There must be loads of us out there but we just don’t find each other.

There must have been so many more of us before vibrators became so widely available and when sex was all about pleasuring the man.

I'm the same, mid 40s and it's never happened for me in any relationship. I have tried by myself but couldn't get into the right mood. It's not something I think about much now, I just think it's the way I am and yes I still enjoy sex!

Not to be rude but I'm sure if a woman can't orgasm she will realise she can try a vibrator, it's kind of an obvious suggestion that I'm sure people would have thought of and either tried or just don't want to.

I've only had two orgasms via foreplay and sex, both times were probably about 5 years ago. Never managed to get there at any other time.

That said, I can orgasm nearly every time with my vibrator 😆

I can't reply to those questions, since I'm not in that situation. Nobody I know in real life has ever mentioned such a thing to me. And based on the number of replies it must indeed be rare.

I posted just to keep the topic alive, and hopefully some others will come along and share their experience. Good luck OP.

Yes, me.

I'm 42.

Married and divorced, now with long term partner.

It was not a factor in the divorce, and it's not a factor in current relationship (or in any of my previous relationships).

I enjoy sex, despite no orgasm, although I won't lie, I would rather be able to orgasm.

I do fake it. But not immediately. I enjoy sex, and I urge them to keep going when it feels good, but after a while, it's clear nothing is going to happen so I fake it.

I have vibrators galore. Sometimes I do get very turned on and will use a vibrator. I kind of enjoy how it feels, but it can often just feel a bit tickley and intense. I keep going, enjoying it, and kind of feeling something building, until all of a sudden I just feel this feeling of "enough, I don't want to do this anymore", the urge just leaves me, so I stop.

It is frustrating.

I don't think there is anything physically wrong with me. Don't think anything physiologically wrong (no trauma or anything in my background)....I just don't seem to be wired that way.

I haven't felt one in about 13 years. I used to feel them, but now, even though I can feel the physiological contractions of the womb there is no pleasurable sensation. It was something I thought about but couldnt share with anybody. As a married postor on this thread wisely summarised, no good would come of it.

I even went to see some kind of sex therapist but she kept asking me my boyfriend"s name and wouldn't be steered away from her determination to know his name. I didn't want to share that as it is/was nothing to do with him. It was to do with me. Something has disconnected between body and brain.

The sex therapist woman was dismissive and asked me why I'd come. She made me feel it was ridiculous to have sought her help. I think her angle must have been that I had to be repressed, ashamed, conflicted. But it wasn't that.

Nobody can help. It is what it is. I accept it now. As I've got older any urges have waned. So I feel a bit asexual now. I'm not really but I might as well be.

My mind body connection is over all good, I'm healthy, I exercise, walk, do yoga, don't smoke. So, this is one of those weird invisible disabilities.

Just expanding on the above to answer two of your questions more fully:

How did it impact on relationships?

I don't think it has. With some partners I have told them I have never experienced an orgasm, however, they see this as a challenge and it tends to just add a huge amount of pressure. So I stopped telling them and they have been unaware.

I do enjoy sex, so it's not like I am faking the whole thing. But when things are really dragging on and it's obvious it's not going to happen, I will fake it.

So no impact on relationships.

How does it make me feel about myself?

Similar to you, OP. I lead a relatively happy, successful life, so it isn't something I dwell on. I guess I do feel a little bit like something is missing or broken...but it doesn't have a huge impact on my life.

I do wish I could experience it, but it's not the be all and end all.

As for how common is it? Not that uncommon, I don't think. I know few women in similar situations. The main difference to me being that they do not like sex. The ones who are married do it as little as they can get away with and say they just have no interest in sex whatsoever.

Other than that, I suspect there are a lot of women in similar boats who just do not admit to it.