AIBU Asking women who have never had an orgasm (primary anorgasmia)

[MuchTooHotHere]

It's a few questions, not just one. I've copied this from Relationships in the hope of getting more traffic
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Although I'm an occasional user of MN, I've set up a new account for this. I'm not giving or asking for any explicit discussions. I did think about posting in AIBU for traffic, but hopefully this will get some readers.

I've never had one, ever, solo or partner. I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that. I'm fit, healthy, no medical issues, have has 2 long term relationships, not gay/bi, but am currently single (my own choice as I wanted to relocate for a career opportunity).

Anyone in the same boat as me? Any advice to share on these questions (as mentioned above I'm not looking for advice on new things to try, etc.)

My questions are:

1. Did this impact your relationship with your M partner? I think it did a little in my last relationship.

1. How did it make you feel about yourself? I'm generally happy with who I am, I'm conventionally considered attractive, very good career, etc. but this sometimes makes me feel as if I'm missing out or something is wrong or broken (but overall I am happy)

1. Am I alone with this problem? I know I can be, but it's something I've never heard from a friend in real life.

If you are in the same boat as me I thank you for any insights. This is not something I've discussed in real life.

1. I don't think so. Why would it? Sex still had pleasure for me, but not one single++ amazing moment (I guess that's what O is like, I don't care what it's like, though)
2. Fine. I never saw myself as missing out (at all). I become angry when anyone implies it's a tragic terrible medical problem. Just FkOff with that one.
3. Obviously not!

@mloo Thank for replying. It's very helpful for me to see your post, since I've not discussed this in real life. It's nice that you never felt like "missing out". It seems such a "normal" thing (in books, movies, from discussions with friends over years) that I expected the same? Personally for me it feels like something is missing, but that's just me.

To add some context, I posted this question as I've recently left a LT relationship for career reasons. As I've relocated it has given me cause to reflect on a lot of things in my life (and this is only one of many!). Thanks again!!

I’ve never had one. I can’t really answer your question about a partner as I’m long term single. This is probably partly why although I think my sexual dysfunction is bigger than just not being able to orgasm as I don’t really get turned on or desire sex/ masturbation either and I’m not sure on my sexuality or if I even have one. It definitely makes me feel like something is wrong/ I’m broken and like I’m missing out on something. When younger I did experiment with masturbation to see if I could reach climax but it was like I could kind of feel something building but then suddenly it was gone, like blowing up a balloon and waiting for the pop but instead suddenly just letting having all of the air deflate out of the neck. Following a sexual assault about 8 years ago I have been celibate and I don’t even try and persue relationships or anything sexual, alone or with another person, anymore. I don’t think it would be possible for me.

Thank you @plainjayne8282 for your post and follow up. Some of that resonates with me. The few of my close friends, and my sister, with whom I could ever have such a conversation have all take about faking it. So that seems very common. I have too.

Being married and doing it "as little as they can get away with" sounds really really awful. Both for them, and their partners I assume.

@SafeMouse Unlike like you physical arousal is OK. for me. Also, I'm single by choice now too, but would like a long term relationship at some point.

@MuchTooHotHere this was an issue for me until I figured it out. You are clear you don't want advice and I do understand that :)

How about trying to speak to some people in real life too, rather than forums. You mention a sister. Depending on how close you are it could be a topic to discuss with her directly?

Reading the other posts, it does indeed seem to be something that is never discussed in RL. I do find that somewhat unusual, since there is so much public discussion of sex and associated problems these days.

OP, I’ve been there it’s so frustrating and confusing. You can see the other posters talking about never mentioning it, faking it and so in. I mentioned it to my friends who thought I was joking, to my GP who gave me generic advice and said it was a dysfunction.

In my case it needed a female partner, post my wonderful DH. Something I had never considered, was a total accident and unsought really. People will dismiss your experience, it’s important for you clearly. Hope it all goes well in the new city, place or whatever.

I should add, I didn’t know anyone in the same situation in real life. I assume it’s some basically taboo? Even in close female friendships. At least it was for me.

Why the taboo??

@20Past3 asked "Why the taboo?" That's somewhat of a strange comment, but I does resonate with me in that I've never spoken about this RL. I'd need to think about why that is the case, for me personally.

Thanks to the other posters in the same situation. It's been helpful for me to see your perspectives.

The small number of replies, for an AIBU post, is also instructive. It's clearly not an issue for the VAST MAJORITY of people on MN. Good for you all :)

@MuchTooHotHere I wonder if you had structured the post differently you might have got more replies. For example, if you had enabled voting?

For me, it's partly taboo, I don't want pity. But also, people think you haven't tried x y or z or tried them hard enough. For some people something goes wrong. I went to a couple of doctors and they also didn't get it. I can feel a climax but there’s no sensation of pleasure with it. So no skilled lover or duper bullet is going to change that.

There’s no point talking about it. I don't want pity and I don't want annoying suggestions "have you tried relaxing...

I'm also going to throw it in (and probably share far too much info in the process!) that I can't actually orgasm with a vibrator. It's not the right sensation. Touch is the only way I can.

I'm 47.

I had my first orgasm age 44.

Never had one with a partner, male or otherwise.

I do have significant pain and other related problems due to endometriosis.

@PieRSquared I had posted in relationships originally, and only got one meaningful reply there, but that did a cut-and-paste to AIBU. Perhaps I should be reformatted it? But I was also asking ever questions, not just one.

If there was just one question that I could have enabled an AIBU type of voting.

Anyway, based on the replies it seems a very very rare issue among MN posters, which is actually good news!

@Intheseshoes2 I completely get your response. I think many people would suggest relaxing, a bullet, and so on. I specifically stated I was not asking for advice on things to do or try.

I don't want pity either. I guess part of the reason I posted was not to feel so alone, or so unusual. Posts like yours helped me.

Based on your post, it seems you have spoken to people about it in real life? I feel that is something I'm going to do now too.

@Octavia64 Nothing to say to you, except I'm happy for you. No real health issues or endometriosis for me. I'm fortunate to be very fit and healthy, and have many other blessings in my life.

I have much better orgasms on my own with a bullet than I do with a partner. With a partner it's good but weaker. And I think that's partly their skill but moreso that I personally find it harder to get into the necessary state of relaxation and abandon when I'm with someone else.

That sounds kind of sad when I type it out.

I think a broader problem is that the media and porn lead women to believe that their orgasms should be this mindblowing earth shaking thing. And they're not, usually. I mean, mine feel really good and I love the warm wobbly feeling afterwards. But I wouldn't say the earth moves.

Also I think a lot of women from my generation (old) weren't taught much about orgasm and for a long time I assumed it would have the rhythm and scope of a male orgasm - rub rub rub rub POP!!! And it's not like that at all. It's slower and more...wavy, for me if that makes sense?

So yeah I think we get fed a bunch f lies and then there's too much pressure on and that makes it harder for some women.