Intimacy issues with dh

[mrstumble36]

I know this topic has been done to death lately. I will try to keep it as brief as possible. Will start by saying dh is a good man and father and I'm not willing to end the marriage, leave my home or uproot my dc over this so no LTB remarks please. Just need tips on how to communicate with him and reconcile my own feelings.

Been together 8 years, married 4. Young dc together and my teen from previous relationship. He is 50 and I am 38 and I suspect the age gap plays a part in this.

When we first got together sex was fine. A few months in it trailed off a bit with him citing low libido. A few months after this I found Viagra and a particularly niche type of porn in his internet history (nothing awful just different). I felt pretty pissed off as he'd kept these things from me. It felt like he was quite closed off about sex, never wanted to talk about it or send flirty texts or discuss his preferences etc. And because of the Viagra (which I later found out was related to ED) sex started having to pre planned so absolutely no spontaneity.

Over this years this has began to really grate on me. A co sleeping toddler and a teen in the house really restricts our opportunities too. We are down to maybe once a month and when it comes around (scheduled in of course) it feels more like something to tick off a chore list. Regardless it had still been good, if a little samey, until recently. But on a couple of occasions he hasn't been able to perform even with the Viagra. He is knackered with day to day life with a toddler (as am I but he's an older dad so I get it's hard) but I'm pretty gutted at how things have ended up. It's eroding my self esteem and obviously very frustrating. I'm not ready for my sex life to be over in my thirties.

I don't know how to try to improve things because he doesn't communicate. I can see he's gutted and embarrassed when it doesn't work so I know I have to tread carefully. But I can't carry on like this. Is there anything I can suggest or do? I'm hoping this is a temporary thing and it's just down to tiredness and general unrelenting life with no breaks. But I'm still unhappy with the frequency, the planning, the lack of communication. Our sex life has never just flowed naturally.

Sorry it's long, any tips would be appreciated.

Health wise, how’s he doing? A lot of low testosterone issues can be fixed naturally, 50 isn’t old in terms of having a good sex life.

does he use porn?

I'm hoping this is a temporary thing and it's just down to tiredness and general unrelenting life with no breaks

It because of the porn use. He has a quick easy release. This is why he doesnt want sex very often.

He definitely drinks too much. Lack of exercise too. He could be fitter and more active.
Regarding the porn, I don't know for certain but I suspect so. If I asked him outright he'd deny it though.

I bet he understands this is absolutely an issue for you, but he has decided he won't talk about it and won't resolve it. He is prepared to carry on the way things are, and bets that you will just go along with it.

While you both think you can carry on as is, I would suggest there is a good chance you could change your mind in the coming years, or you might find yourself vulnerable to an affair.

I would suggest

1. you communicate to him very clearly that this is a big issue for you
2. you start some solo therapy to explore ways forwards

It's very tricky as I am aware the ED stuff isn't his fault and it's embarrassing for him so I don't want to push too hard.

But this routine we've fallen into of pre planning sex and doing it so infrequently probably puts added pressure on to perform. It's all really depressing.

You say the ED isn’t his fault, but if he’s drinking far too much, not keeping himself in good health and not addressing it, then it is his fault. The drinking, I imagine, will absolutely be a big factor. While at 50 it’s reasonable to expect a good sex life, it’s also old enough where you can’t fuck around with your body and expect to still work at its optimum.

I know you are hoping it’s temporary and that standard ‘knackered life with a toddler’ is the culprit, but unfortunately I doubt this is the case. Me and DH are in late 30s with young twins, work full time, I have another job on top of that – we are KNACKERED (in capitals) – and other than time and wakefulness, there is no malfunctioning of equipment. This also goes for my friends in similar positions.

He’s getting older, it won’t get better without his proactive involvement and while you can be loving and encouraging, you can’t ‘communicate’ him into action. It really has to come 100% from him. It will be a big effort and it can’t be achieved without all of his enthusiasm to change it.

Yes I do think the drinking and generally poor lifestyle is contributing. I will try and speak to him about this in a non accusatory way. I just wish it didn't feel like such hard work. When it happens it's good and I feel so much closer to him but resentment is building now.

I guess I went into an age gap relationship rather naively thinking that these things wouldn't be an issue. I know it's not just his age though.

It won't get better. That's a trade off for having an older partner. You said he is a good dad , so I suggest, you focus on positives and make the best from what you have.

There's not many responses because I'm sorry op but there's nothing anyone can really say.

He knows he is making things worse health wise, and isn't wanting to change that. You can't communicate with him because he's embarrassed. But hes either not that embarrassed or simply doesn't care because he's not trying to help himself. He isn't being fair on you at all by not trying everything he can to fix this.

You have said two comments which can't coexist. 'I'm not going to walk away from my marriage.' And 'I don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life' harsh reality is it's one or the other unless HE makes the changes.

You are simultaneously saying you can't go on like this but also that you won't walk away over this. If you could walk away over this then you could communicate that to him for him to realise how important this is, but as you say you won't, you can't, because as it stands, it isn't:

You're between a rock and a hard place because he clearly cba to make any changes unless it's ultimatum time. And even then, he might not bother.

Ask him if he would be okay opening up the marriage, see how he responds to that, he might start taking you seriously with the thought of that in his head.

Also, like a previous poster said, this willl only get worse I'm afraid. That's the reality. If he's like this at 50 with a toddler, he will be far tireder at 60 with a teenager.

I'm thinking about this now from my position of being divorced with teenagers, having divorced when they were around 10. Benefit of hindsight - we should have divorced sooner.

It sounds like an intimacy issue as well as a purely physical one. Is he loving and caring, and do you feel he understands and appreciates you, and thinks about you in a loving way?

If something has been lost in the relationship, perhaps counselling would help him, as well as addressing a more active and healthy lifestyle.

https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/tools/improving-low-testosterone-naturally.asp

if he wants to live a long, happy, healthy life and enjoy sex with his wife (and why wouldn’t he?) then he needs to sort it out.

if he doesn’t then his priorities are way too different to yours and frankly, LTB is my go to.

Mem should still be virile in their 50’s. I’d be asking him why he can get it up and come from porn but can’t be arsed with you and needs viagra for it.

I agree with this. It must be agony for him to have a performance scheduled that he knows will be a struggle for him.

There is no need for it to "erode your self-esteem." It is nothing you have done.

It is a pain for you not to have the active sex life you obviously want, but it is what it is. He is as he is - older, struggling with ED, and anxious about his "performance."

You could try discussing it with him - does he know you found his porn site? Or do you feel that subject is off limits as he will just deny it? It is clearly relevant.

He needs to know that you still care about him, even if sex is proving a problem. He needs to know that you regard him as a good man and good father or he will be overwhelmed with a sense of failure. There has to be something he feels he is doing right.

Only you can decide what compromises you are prepared to make in your life and what you are prepared to do to achieve some communication about this problem - because that is key - that is what is needed. You have to find a way of communicating with him that does not leave him feeling undermined and inadequate.

Maybe it’s my menopausal rage, but I don’t see much point in trying to tread carefully so that he isn’t upset. He is letting you down and refusing to address the issue. If he can’t talk to you honestly about sex, that’s really shit. I’d be telling him to make an appointment with his GP to rule out any medical issues. And if his health is fine he needs to give up the porn. Ultimately, prioritising his feelings means that you end up suppressing your own, with no chance of a compromise. That’s not sustainable, and doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship.

That's very generous @Mischance
So much agony for him that he's doing nothing to try to fix it?

How much does he drink?

Some harsh answers here. I think it might help to take a step back. ED can be a vicious circle as performance anxiety contributes to the problem. Build up physical intimacy and closeness without it having to end in piv sex so that you feel less frustrated and he feels less pressure. It’s harder when he finds it hard to communicate..

We have a similar age gap but we are a bit older than you (been together 20 years) so the having small children around isn’t an issue. But I definitely don’t think it’s a “trade off” you should just accept for having an older partner. It is not an issue for my dh at all and if it was, I know he would go out of his way to ensure intimacy in other ways?
I think you have to talk to him again. If he is spending time getting off on porn but neglecting you sexually, that needs discussing and sorting out.

There's a lower dose of viagra, can't remember thé name, that's taken every day that treats the ed and enables spontaneous erections. Cialis sildenafil? This might be a solution.

Is this what you’d say to a man whose wife was knackered with a toddler and had health problems?

What health problems do women encounter that are made worse by dietary choices in regards to sexual performance?
What woman chooses to watch niche porn and masterbates to it knowing their husband wants intimacy but they can't be bothered because it's easier for them this way.

It's all about him isn't it, still, even when they do or don't want sex you can't call them out.

Women and men usually don't want sex for different reasons, if either are not willing to seek help about it or change lifestyles to maintain their health after choosing to marry someone much younger then what should they expect?

This is fixable, he's just being selfish and not wanting to make an effort.

Try doing this niche thing that he likes.

If it's been not great since a few months in, your sex life has always been stilted, and he doesn't want to discuss it, I think there's probably not a lot you can do - I'm not sure why you expected it to magically improve once you had a small child. And I'm genuinely not saying that to be snarky! I just think he's been consistently inconsistent about this, so expecting a big change now isn't likely - if he were motivated to/capable of changing it, he would have done so by now. You can obviously talk to him and tell him this is a real problem but ultimately if you're not willing to leave and it's been years, this is either something he doesn't see as big enough problem to change (esp with no 'threat' behind it - not in an ultimatum-y way, but obviously if it seemed like it would genuinely impact your lives he might feel differently about it) or he doesn't want to, sadly.

On the plus side at least he’s not a sex mad grabby letch like the DH of the poor woman in the other thread right now. It’s swings and roundabouts pros and cons, focus on his good points and not just sex sex sex

If one partner doesn’t want to fix it, it’s not fixable.

I’m not expert in ED but how can he get an erection masturbating but not having sex?