I know this topic has been done to death lately. I will try to keep it as brief as possible. Will start by saying dh is a good man and father and I'm not willing to end the marriage, leave my home or uproot my dc over this so no LTB remarks please. Just need tips on how to communicate with him and reconcile my own feelings.
Been together 8 years, married 4. Young dc together and my teen from previous relationship. He is 50 and I am 38 and I suspect the age gap plays a part in this.
When we first got together sex was fine. A few months in it trailed off a bit with him citing low libido. A few months after this I found Viagra and a particularly niche type of porn in his internet history (nothing awful just different). I felt pretty pissed off as he'd kept these things from me. It felt like he was quite closed off about sex, never wanted to talk about it or send flirty texts or discuss his preferences etc. And because of the Viagra (which I later found out was related to ED) sex started having to pre planned so absolutely no spontaneity.
Over this years this has began to really grate on me. A co sleeping toddler and a teen in the house really restricts our opportunities too. We are down to maybe once a month and when it comes around (scheduled in of course) it feels more like something to tick off a chore list. Regardless it had still been good, if a little samey, until recently. But on a couple of occasions he hasn't been able to perform even with the Viagra. He is knackered with day to day life with a toddler (as am I but he's an older dad so I get it's hard) but I'm pretty gutted at how things have ended up. It's eroding my self esteem and obviously very frustrating. I'm not ready for my sex life to be over in my thirties.
I don't know how to try to improve things because he doesn't communicate. I can see he's gutted and embarrassed when it doesn't work so I know I have to tread carefully. But I can't carry on like this. Is there anything I can suggest or do? I'm hoping this is a temporary thing and it's just down to tiredness and general unrelenting life with no breaks. But I'm still unhappy with the frequency, the planning, the lack of communication. Our sex life has never just flowed naturally.
Sorry it's long, any tips would be appreciated.