AIBU to be annoyed at husband falling asleep in the evening?

[Pam3197]

I'm regularly finding myself really annoyed with my husband for falling asleep in the evenings. I'm not even really sure why I feel annoyed, and it makes be feel bad to feel this way.

He regularly (I'd say most days) falls asleep when he gets home after work. Sometimes he falls asleep while watching our 1yo when I make dinner, sometimes when we are all spending time together as a family, sometimes he leaves the dinner table before we're finished and I'll find him asleep on the sofa, and often during our daughters bedtime routine when we read together as a family. He also falls asleep if we're watching TV together in the evenings, it doesn't annoy me quite as much but I still find myself prodding him to wake him up or asking if we should turn off the TV and go to bed.

Is this normal? Am I normal for being annoyed by it? I feel like I'm nagging him to stay awake, and I feel guilty that I'm getting annoyed with it as he's obviously tired. He does work a physically demanding job (9-5, not ridiculous hours) and I'm at home with our daughter so maybe that's why he has less energy than me, but it's even at the weekend when he's off. He has had a few tests recently for unrelated issues but all came back fine so it doesn't seem medical.

AIBU?

Is he quite a large man? And does he have quite a thick neck?

No it’s not normal for him to be that tired at that age. I would start with getting him to have a full check up of bloods etc

@Pam3197

I think I'm okay without a nap though, it's being left alone to do the housework/childcare when he is home but sleeping that I'm struggling with.

I agree with others that he might be napping to get out of helping. It's always busy with little ones that time of night.

I would try have a nap during the day tbh. Then get stuff done when toddler is awake.

You really should eat and do housework while the baby is awake. You won’t have the opportunity of napping when the baby naps when #2 comes along- so make the most of it now and have a mummy and baby nap time.

I sympathise, OP. My OH tends to fall asleep on the couch of an evening while watching TV. It doesn’t always bother me, but sometimes I do get annoyed about it. We’ll settle down to watch a film, this could even be a weekend afternoon, and literally five minutes in, his eyes are closed. I just end up turning it off, as I can’t keep him awake for two hours and I don’t want to sit and watch on my own, that wasn’t the point!

Other times, we could watch a film late at night and he’d be fine.

My biggest bugbear is the occasions where he doesn’t want to go to bed yet, he wants to “finish watching this…” and insists on staying up an extra hour or so (fine), then falls asleep and is still down there at 3am with the TV and lights blaring 😡

That gives me the rage. He doesn’t do it very often, probably because he knows it annoys me so much, but I’ve now taken to going down, turning everything off, and leaving him there! Initially I’d have woken him to come to bed.

Just to add - he does physical work, and has meds that cause fatigue, hence I do tend to be mostly ok with it. Just those certain situations that wind me up!

Pam3197, you're not being unreasonable for feeling annoyed. I know that I sometimes felt the same way when I had a 1yo.

I would feel jealous at times because my husband got to be out in the world, converse with adults and travel without a pram and nappy bag. He would come home from work tired and hungry.

I learned a few things that helped.

-After supper we'd take the LO for a stroll in the pram so we could talk. As a bonus, our LO would doze off and be sleepy enough for bedtime.

-My husband would try and eat an apple or banana for snacking instead of the sweets he had often used to munch on. That helped to prevent the sugar spike and crash later on in the evening.

-Sitting on the couch makes anyone relaxed so either get him in the kitchen to help you with meal prep or suggest he interact with your LO on the floor or outside.

Good luck 🤞🤗

You remind me of my situation three years ago.

My boyfriend of the time kept complaining that I fell asleep when he was there. He took it as an insult, although I was a single mum working full time and with full time care of a DS.

He moaned that he wasn't getting enough sex because I kept falling asleep. In the end, he left.

Meanwhile the people who loved me persuaded me to go to a doctor where I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Three years later, all sorted, I'm back to full power, and now he wants me back. No thanks, it's clear what his priorities were, and they weren't me.

Your DH is in his 30s. He's doing a 9-5, not 12 hours down a pit. I'd suspect there is something medically wrong.

Can you persuade him to go back to his gp. Ask for a health check. Then look closely at his fitness. What exercise does he do?

I agree with what others have said, that he should try going to bed earlier and if that doesn't help you should rule out the health conditions mentioned. I'll add that my DH wasn't diagnosed with ceoliac disease until he was 30, and gluten exposure made him similarly likely to fall asleep pretty much any time he sat down after 5 pm. Hewent through a sleep study because we thought he must have sleep apnea or narcolepsy or something.🙃

This is actually me, my job is physically demanding compared to DP and I've been known to sit down and just crash as I walk in or we settle for a film and I fall asleep. Best thing I've found to do is actually do something. I spread the housework over the week so each room gets done as I come in from work so I don't get the chance to sleep. Or while we have something on TV to watch I've started sewing, got a few regular weekly projects or if I've finished them I'm doing cross stitch. It's about not giving my body that chance to think hang on I have nothing to do let's crash.

I know this is old but just saying you are not alone. My husband does this too. It makes me enraged. Example.. tonight (mind you Im 39 weeks pregnant) after complaining about how tired he was all day, he closed his eyes while at the dinner table. I made him leave the table, and he left to nap on the couch. Listen, I get being tired, I work full time in Tech, Im 39 weeks pregnant and we have a toddler.. I am falling apart trying to keep life together. But Im doing it. And he should suck it up or drink coffee.

and if its a sleep apnea or thyroid issue like others asked, then DH needs to make a doctors appointment.

Husbands/fathers really need to take accountability and as women we should hold them to task.

Is he just one of these men who falls asleep every time they sit down? My XP used to do this, he'd fall asleep at 10.30 in the morning when he sat down with his laptop, he'd fall asleep again at 1.30 pm when he sat down after his lunch, he'd fall asleep again at 6pm in front of the TV... and then he'd go to bed at 10 and deactivate like a robot, lying dead still for nine hours before getting up to say that he'd been 'tossing and turning all night' (he hadn't, I had, I'd been awake all night often because of some chronic pain I had and he literally had not moved, let alone woken up) and it would start all over again!