AIBU to be annoyed at husband falling asleep in the evening?

[Pam3197]

I'm regularly finding myself really annoyed with my husband for falling asleep in the evenings. I'm not even really sure why I feel annoyed, and it makes be feel bad to feel this way.

He regularly (I'd say most days) falls asleep when he gets home after work. Sometimes he falls asleep while watching our 1yo when I make dinner, sometimes when we are all spending time together as a family, sometimes he leaves the dinner table before we're finished and I'll find him asleep on the sofa, and often during our daughters bedtime routine when we read together as a family. He also falls asleep if we're watching TV together in the evenings, it doesn't annoy me quite as much but I still find myself prodding him to wake him up or asking if we should turn off the TV and go to bed.

Is this normal? Am I normal for being annoyed by it? I feel like I'm nagging him to stay awake, and I feel guilty that I'm getting annoyed with it as he's obviously tired. He does work a physically demanding job (9-5, not ridiculous hours) and I'm at home with our daughter so maybe that's why he has less energy than me, but it's even at the weekend when he's off. He has had a few tests recently for unrelated issues but all came back fine so it doesn't seem medical.

AIBU?

Not much, just socially maybe every other weekend.

my husband falls asleep at the drop of a hat... he has been tested but they say no, because he can control it too a point, but after a busy day at work doing a manual job, i would fully expect him to be asleep on the sofa in no time.

he's also type 2 diabetic...

Could you plan for him to do a specific task or activity with your LO whilst you are doing the cooking/chore and he is supposed to be looking after her?

It is annoying and csn cause resentment because like you said, you feel like you can't trust him and you know you've had to power through being tired yourself.
He's being selfish tbh.

Mmm I think my husband feels like this. I’m shattered, I’ve no idea why. No amount of sleep seems to be helping. Magnesium isn’t helping. I’m up a few times a night with the toddler but it’s a lot better than it used to be so I’m surprised I’m struggling so much with tiredness. I’m in bed once the toddler is asleep a couple of times a week. I rarely make it to 10:30/11 like I used to.

I know he wants company and to do things together… but I’m so fucking tired.

No, he doesn't go to sleep any later when he's napped in the day. He literally lays down and he's out, it's impressive 😅

Honestly I wouldn't mind being alone and missing out on time together in the evening if he needs to go to bed earlier to feel rested, it's the falling asleep in the day and before our LO goes to bed that annoys me most.

He needs to go to bed earlier.

I can also go to sleep at the drop of a hat, It doesn't affect my night sleep even if I've had a nap ... the issue is my nap is MY choice. It feels a little to me that he's choosing these naps even when he knows the timing is bad. And that's fucking selfish.

11-6:30 (7.5hrs) is not enough sleep for a physically demanding job.

My DH has a physically demanding job where he is up at 7am and he has to be lights out at 10pm to feel rested (9hrs).

I think your DH is falling asleep because he isn’t getting enough of it at night.

I would say it's less tiring looking after a baby than working. I think it depends on what job you do though. I teach teenagers and always found being with my own a breeze compared to a class of 30 hormonal 14 year olds.

I don't see why you can't have a Power Nap during the day? I used to when I was on maternity leave. I would also get jobs done during the day. I would say focus on getting baby into a routine so you're not up & down all night?

I do think however that he needs to be trusted to stay awake if he's in charge & not fall asleep then.

My DH does this and although we don't have small children it can sometimes annoy me. I'm pretty sure he has sleep apnoea though. He slept for 2.5 hours tonight then when he woke said he felt better after his 'power nap' 🙄 I pointed out a Power Nap is generally 20-30 minutes.

This sounds really tough. It seems like he has the option to sit down and go to sleep on the couch. What would happen if you got there first? Do you think he would just casually sit down next to you and fall asleep, leaving all the evening tasks and baby bedtime totally undone? Baby left in highchair unattended? What would happen?
What happens when you're sick? You must have a significant sleep debt from all the night wakeups. What happens when you reach burnout?
Have you directly addressed his napping and asked him to stop?

What was he like before you had a kid? Is his sleep being interrupted at night even though it’s you who actually gets up with your child in the night. If he’s much sleepier now than he used to be the I’d think it was medical and push for tests.

He says he doesn't mean to fall asleep and that he tries to stay awake. I do think he's genuinely tired. I think I need to push him to go to bed earlier.

He's always fallen asleep quite easily. I.e. on a long bus or car journey he'd fall asleep. but this level of daytime sleepiness has only been since our LO was born. He's not disturbed at all in the night, our LO sleeps with me and he sleeps separately.

Yeah, I agree his job is more tiring, though running after a toddler all day is pretty full on 😅 I don't really have a chance to nap in the day, my 1yo is awake 6:30am-8:30pm with only a 1h 30m nap in which time I eat and get as much housework done as I can. I think I'm okay without a nap though, it's being left alone to do the housework/childcare when he is home but sleeping that I'm struggling with.

I'm trying to get him to go to sleep earlier but LO goes to bed at 8:30pm most nights and he wants/needs some time to decompress once she's in bed.

I can see why he wants that, but parents of young children rarely get the luxury of 2.5 hours of downtime every evening. How about if he has an hour to relax after she goes to bed, and then he goes to bed at 9:30 for a few weeks to see whether that fixes his tiredness.

It seems like he is choosing his current sleep schedule in order to avoid the work which needs to be done in the evening. He may not have thought about it that way, but that is the effect of staying up late.

Rule out sleep apnea and diabetes. Both make you really sleepy.

Also low vitamin D and low iron.

GP will run some bloods if he asks.

Quite honestly if he isn't very fat or 50+ it sounds like avoidance sleeping to me. Its very convenient falling asleep all evening and missing all the cooking, washing up and putting LO to bed routines.
I'm 62 and work full time in the NHS and its absolutely manic. I was a single parent for years so there was no chance I could ever fall asleep.
Sure I'm tired when I get home after a shift because i'm getting on a bit now and if I sat down on the sofa I'd be straight asleep so what I do is I don't sit down, I go and have a tepid shower which wakes me up and change into a tracksuit or something comfortable and then start making dinner or go for a walk to clear my head.
By the time I've done that I'm wide awake and have got my 2nd wind and stay up until about 11.
I would not put up with that from a man i lived with. He needs to grow up, take responsibility and change his routine. Especially if he is a young man.

Very normal, why query it 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like it’s easy for him to switch off and just go to sleep because he isn’t used to being responsible for DC. I can’t believe he hasn’t spent more than 2 hours alone with his own child.

I don't work a physically demanding job yet when it gets to 7/8pm if I'm not doing anything I can get really tired and nod off. Probably hit me in my late 30s. If I'm busy I don't get tired, but it's the doing nothing that must slow me down.

Yes we certainly have! I refused to lose out so that he gets more sofa time than me!! To be fair it also worked in with wanting to be around for the kids more but we are most definitely equal financially both in the present and with my pension.

I think he needs to learn to go to bed earlier. If your DD goes to sleep around 8.30pm he can go 9.30 or 10pm so he gets more sleep. My DH does physical work and 7.5h definitely wouldn't be enough for him to recover and rest.
Do you think you could do housework and eat with your DD so you have a nap when she is having hers? I had to do that as without napping I wasn't able to get through all day with my DD.