Aibu about constant requests for favours?

[Coffee23]

I need to know if I am BU about this situation with my neighbour as my sister thinks I am being mean.

Sorry if this is long but I think the detail is relevant.

I personally think our neighbour is asking for too many favours and in my opinion some of them are going too far/not appropriate given we aren’t friends and say a passing hello at most.

About two years ago they knocked and said they are going on holiday and could we put their bins out, grab a parcel that was due so it wouldn’t sit outside all week, and gave us their number in case of emergency with the house. We agreed as we had just moved in and wanted to be nice and figured they could return the favour one day.

Since we exchanged numbers we have since been asked for multiple favours, about 2-3 times a month, ranging from taking a parcel in to feeding their cat to a lift to the airport (1 hour away - we said no).

We didn’t mind the small favours until they became more and more frequent and they just pushed the boundaries.

For example:

They text me once to ask if I could go round and feed their cat as their train was cancelled and it was already 7pm. They told me where the spare key was and I happily nipped round and did it.

But then they started to ask us every time they would be home late whether it was working late or going out. We started to lie and say we were out because it was so often.

We then got asked to feed the cat for a whole week while they went away because they didn’t want to pay for a sitter. I have suggested an automatic feeder and even given some names of a cat sitter my sister has used but nothing changes.

Aside from the constant requests to feed the cat, they also ask us for favours that in my opinion are just not the kind of ones you ask of a neighbour you barely know:

1. lifts to and from the train station multiple times (they have a car - a nicer one than us!)
2. to borrow items
3. to pick them up X or Y next time we’re in town or at Sainsbury’s
4. can we go round and show their cleaner where the spare key is

To name a few! We have said no to all of these but they just keep coming!!

To answer some questions I’m sure will come up -
No they are not old (late forties ish? We are late twenties)
No they are not disabled
No kids

So the AIBU is - AIBU to say no even when I am free and could help them. My sister thinks I should do the favour given I’m just sat in my house when they ask but for me it’s just too much and we never ask for any in return because to be honest, it wouldn’t cross my mind to!

And yes I would absolutely love to be blunt and tell them to stop asking but they are quite forceful and to be honest I think would make our lives a misery if we fell out. So for now, I just say a simple ‘sorry no, I’m not free’. I used to give context and say I’m at dinner or I’m going to the cinema but now I just say that. I’ve looked back at the messages and I’ve said that same line to the past 15 requests (since Jan) and it still hasn’t stopped them asking!

Anyone else had this and they eventually got the hint and left you alone!?!

Gosh they're persistent! If they haven't gotten the hint already I'm not sure they're going to...

YANBU though. Just keep saying no. They're obviously the type that if you give them an inch they'll take a mile, so it's not really a simple matter of just doing the favour. Every favour you do is encouraging further cheeky fuckery.

I would always help with the cat, because I love animals and am doing that for the him/her. With a lot of the other favours that are taking the p.

1. lifts to and from the train station multiple times (they have a car - a nicer one than us!) - No, not until they stop taking advantage of you
2. to borrow items - Depends on the item
3. to pick them up X or Y next time we’re in town or at Sainsbury’s - No or sorry I forgot
4. can we go round and show their cleaner where the spare key is - I wouldn't mind this one

I would differentiate between what I'm willing to do and not and cut back on a load of the stuff so they get the message without it being an issue where you don't help each other out at all.

Just thought I'd add unless I plan to help I would take my time in responding. 8 hours can make the need for a lot of favours go away. Just pop them on mute and reply as and when you fancy.

Block?
Then say you've been having trouble with your phone when they ask...

I'd go for the direct approach and tell them face to face (not in a text or email as you don't want them going back and dwelling on it) that you are happy to help out when they are away or in a real emergency and hope they would do the same for you but that you no longer have time to deal with the sort of day to day requests that are more frequent like giving lifts and doing thing just because they are late from work.

That you are raising this because you think its better to be direct, feel awkward having to keep refusing and don't want to cause offence by constant refusal so if they could stop texting you day to day stuff that would be great.

Then repeat and emphasise that you are not saying you aren't willing to be neighbourly and assist for the occasional holiday etc.

Otherwise you are going to end up with resentment here and a relationship breakdown via lying and it's always better to keep neighbours onside.

Jesus, did you accidentally move into the staff annexe or something?!

That's way too much and beyond the boundaries of being neighbourly.

We have terrific neighbours and none of us mind taking in the odd parcel or keeping a wee eye out when people are away or feeding the cat overnight, but not for weeks on end or a two-hour round trip to the airport.

No way, they are cheeky fuckers.

Hi guys
I'm afraid we're really struggling with keeping on top of our own lives at the moment, and won't have any spare capacity at all for the foreseeable - hope you find another solution!
Take care,
OP

Send that a few times, then stop responding. Keep being super cheery in the street.

I wouldn't continue to feed the cat only, it muddies the waters. Cats don't need feeding on the dot!

The problem might be though if they only think your saying no because your busy…..but you would help if you weren’t??
try saying no because you don’t want the responsibility and maybe they will get the message …..

Cheeky!
Just keep saying no. I think the suggestion of muting them and just checking occasionally is good. Don't respond to every message and sometimes leave it until after the event. Like feeding the cat because they're running late. The cat won't starve. Just reply the next day and say sorry, just seen this!
The lifts are cheeky AF. Bet it's to avoid paying for parking 😂

Just keep saying no, but 15 requests since January is about one every couple of weeks. From your description it sounded like it's constant. They are still CFs though.

Have you asked them for favours back?

Sometimes people have very interactive relationships with neighbours- sharing a ladder, doing each other's lawns, dog sitting, plant watering- if both sides are benefiting then it's a hugely productive relationship.

But it only works if it's reciprocal. Maybe ask them to help you with something.

If you want them to stop asking without any feeling on your part that you've been assertive with them and put your foot down then try asking them for favours.

Sure, no problem, oh while I've got you can you do me a favour and...

Every time.

I'm betting they'll stop asking pretty quickly if it looks like they have to give one to get one.

It doesn't even have to be something you actually need btw. Anything will do. Pick you up a pint of milk on their way back. Take your bin out. Anything. Just as long as you ask every time they do.

This is the right approach.
If your sister feels sorry for them she can do all the favours.
They’re using you to save money. They don’t want to pay for a pet sitter. Nobody needs a lift to the station or airport when they have their own car. They just want to avoid paying for fuel and parking by basically using your petrol.
How will they make your lives a misery if you tell them to stop? They’re appalling people if they do something nasty to you just because you don’t want to be their personal free taxi and servant.

The cat thing wouldn't bother me if they helped you with a pet or something?

The rest I would knock on the head. I had a neighbour once who was constantly asking for stuff from my pantry or fridge or to pick her stuff up from the grocery store on my way back from work when she had all day to go.

I've found out the hard way that "if you give them an inch they take a mile". I had it with a neighbour who moved in across the road. It started with her ringing me in a panic, saying she was stuck at work and couldn't get back in time to meet the taxi dropping off her SN son from school. Of course, I readily obliged and took him into my house, gave him a snack, drink etc. Then this became a habit, she was phoning nearly every day, even phoning me at work asking if I could finish early to meet him as she was too busy. When I said I couldn't she started phoning my elderly mum, who lived with me, asking her to collect him instead. She drove round in a brand new car, appeared to have plenty of money yet she was always borrowing food, she was once incredulous that I couldn't lend her a tin of tuna as I hadn't got any. She actually said "don't you keep any in just in case you've nothing for tea and you could knock up a quick tuna pasta bake?" The irony was completely lost on her that she was begging because she didn't have any in either! Another time she approached my 8 year old son who was playing out with his friends and asked him to go to the shop and get her some potatoes as she couldn't go out as she had no makeup on. The shop was miles away from where we lived on a very busy road and there was no way I'd ever allow him to go there. I moved away and my beloved mum died soon after, I contacted my ex neighbour and told her as she'd seemed very fond of my mum but I never heard a thing back. She was just a user.

Yes I do this a lot 🤣 I make a point of not reading the message and replying hours later or even the next day

Never needed one to be honest I just get on with it. If I needed to go to the station and didn’t want to drive I would book an Uber. Wouldn’t cross my mind to ask really.

I’m really anti social and don’t like feeling indebted to people

They’ve clearly had a falling out with the neighbour the other side and I’ve just witnessed some really petty behaviour from them that while it’s not threatening or life ending, it’s just tedious.

Things like slightly blocking their drive so they have to knock and ask them to move all the time. Moving their bins out into the road on bin day after they’ve gone to work so when they come home they have to get out to move them to get into the drive.

it sounds silly writing it but I couldn’t be bothered dealing with it.

I said yes the first few times because I like cats and would like one myself soon. But it’s so often to ask and honestly sometimes I would completely forget I was supposed to go over and feed the cat if I had a really busy day at work.

it feels like another thing on my already full to do list!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

They sound like absolute users. I think it speaks volumes they have fallen out with their other neighbours.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle it though without also having a fall out, so no advice really (sorry!!)

I think i would just respond to their messages once every other week or so all light and breezy, saying you're both snowed under at the moment! Sorry but you won't be in to collect the package/ you can't give lifts to the station/ no you can't feed their cat because you're out etc. But much, much later than their original message.

Alternatively, block their number and ignore totally! Put a sign up to say you don't accept packages and brazen out the awkwardness 😅

I'm sorry, it's a really hard situation you find yourself in. Some people are just really cheeky!!

Just don't open messages from them any more.

Do you ask for favours back? I bet you don't - id suggest you start asking for favours similar to the ones they ask of you, with similar frequency. I'll bet good money they decline and stop asking.

Sensible point OP about not wanting to fall out with them. I'd play this one strategically. Think of one favour which is low-effort for you and do that one, but don't do any other sort. Eg taking parcels in if you're going to be home anyway, and maybe this is one that you might also need one day? . But just say no to all other types of request. Don't give a reason because then she can argue with your reason. Just slow response and then "sorry, been busy - can't help I'm afraid". Doing one easy sort of favour means she's indebted to you.
Don't get sucked into feeding the cat if she's late; the cat will be fine if it's fed a few hours late when its owner comes back.
Holiday pet sitting is a big ask as it ties you down so I'd keep saying no to that - "I don't know if I'll be here - might want to go away myself"
All the things you've been doing sound perfect so I can see why you're exasperated that she's still asking. She really does have a skin like a 3-week-old rice pudding!

How can you be doing all that and still not 'be friends?. Just be firm, particularly about the cat and say no. Try asking them for little favours too. You may find they will back off a bit then. Don't get too hung up about this though.