He read my diary!!

[RoseandTulip]

Basically last night DH admitted he has been reading my journal (which I’m always a bit embarrassed to admit I do because it sounds so teenage girly but I actually get a lot from it) He brought up some things I’d written when I was frustrated with him (which were mostly things I had said to his face anyway but that’s not the point). I explained that it’s just for me to jot down my thoughts about the day and process my own feelings. It’s not for anyone else but me and he shouldn’t take it personally.

when I told him how this upset me as I felt it was a violation of my privacy he said:

1. there should be no “closed doors” in a marriage
2. He did it because he was concerned about me and our relationship
3. what if one of the children were to find it in the future and be upset reading it
4. he would never write down unpleasant things about anyone and it’s malicious

FYI - I don’t reallly write much about the children in there unless it was something like “Ted is starting school! So emotional buying his uniform”. And what I do wrote about DH is pretty mundane like “argued about the bin” I just put it in if I’m feeling annoyed and then I feel better.

I have ZERO desire to read through his phone or his diary if he had one. I feel a bit weird if anyone gives me their phone to do something on because it feels like an intrusion, even with permission.

am I some sort of crazy secretive loon or do most people have these boundaries?

Like surely “don’t read someone’s diary” is a universal unspoken rule?

Get a little lockbox and keep it in that. I fundamentally disagree with your DH's claim that marriage = zero privacy. I suspect most marriages would collapse pretty quickly if spouses actually shared every thought with each other.

Any other areas where you disagree on boundaries?

I’d be so cross if I were you. It is an unspoken rule not to read anyone’s diary.
I never had one all the time I was married for the simple reason I couldn’t trust my ex not to read it. I now have one and it’s , as you say, a place just to write down thoughts and to organise the day in your head.

Absolutely should not be reading your diary and his excuses sound like BS to be honest.
You shouldn’t have to but can you switch to a digital one on your phone?

Absolutely outrageous behaviour, I'd be furious and feel exposed. Of course there should be privacy in your marriage- like a PP said, if my partner knew every bad thought I occasionally have about him he'd be gutted 🤣 some things we choose to leave unsaid for a reason.

My concern about this is that he's doubling down and can't admit that he did wrong and say sorry- that's really not a good sign

I have ADHD and anxiety and it honestly just helps me organise my thoughts about things. Most of it I read the next day/week and realise a lot of it is BS anyway.

I think first reply hits the nail on the head - I just don’t believe that anyone deserves absolutely zero privacy, regardless of the scenario

Need more information, like where is your diary normally stored? Is it always lying on the bedside table or coffee table or did he hunt around to find it?

It’s not acceptable to read someone’s diary but if it’s lying around visible then I can understand the temptation. If it was hidden in a secret location and searched high and low that’s an active violation of privacy and I’d be very cross.

Having a non-locked diary that’s easy to find is risky though, it’s a bit like locking your house or car. Just because people shouldn’t steal doesn’t mean they don’t.

A marriage doesn’t mean zero privacy though - I think he’s just trying to justify his actions to you and himself.

Well I'd have fun with this. I'd have a faux journal full of things to wind up DH and a normal journal under lock and key.

He breached your right to privacy because he was concerned about you and your relationship? Is there more to his behaviour within your marriage other than him occasionally not putting the bins out?

Genius 😂 very tempting!

I mean it’s easily found in the top drawer of my dressing table, and I have been known to just leave it on the side so he won’t have had to hunt for it. But he leaves his phone in the side without a password and I’m never tempted to read through his messages… because I respect him and his privacy! It not hard to not look through someone’s stuff

Yes you are right to be annoyed. A diary is an extension of your t hours he has no right to invade them without your consent.

I'd be really disappointed in him and his response.

Also I'd lock it away going forward. If he asks why I'd be saying unfortunately he's lost my trust.

i have kept a short daily diary since 2016 in a week-to-view planner. I write it while in bed next to DH each evening and keep the whole lot on the bedside with a pen. It’s also a record of weekly weight and daily activity and I refer to it often to discuss when we did things, how my fitness is going etc. I don’t know or care if DH has ever read it but I CBA keeping it going if I had to hide it away.

if he he had diary on his bedside I think I’d be having a look. Too hard for me to resist.

Honestly nothing beyond the usual mundane stuff that my friends also occasionally moan about in regards to their DHs. I had been out a lot over the last couple of weeks - outside of what is usual for us but for legitimate reasons. It feels a bit like he’s either annoyed about this and not saying or paranoid I’m doing something else, which isn’t the case.

And honestly if you are going to secretly read someone’s diary at least keep it to yourself - don’t bring up stuff they have written in it!

that’s the thing about seeing someone else’s inner thoughts you run the risk of reading something upsetting about yourself.

Many years ago I spotted an open notebook and looked at it, to be fair it was identical to their shopping list one and unfortunately for me it wasn’t that one but their thoughts about me and our marriage at the time, a devastating read that rocked my world.

A journal is your therapy. It's basically like him sneaking into your therapists office and stealing the tapes to listen. And now he is gaslighting you making it seem like you are unreasonable. HUGE red flag. My trust in him would be destroyed.

where was it kept out of interest?

ah ok it was left out

This. Committing to a marriage doesn't mean you're becoming one person.

YANBU. You need to explain to him that despite his feelings, this is non-negotiable and isn't a conversation. It's a no and that's that.

It bloody is! I get some of my clients to journal as there's great science behind the stress relief aspects of it. But there's no stress relief benefits if you think some nosy bugger is going to read it. He needs to learn boundaries.

@LovesGladdies That sounds hard all round. Did you confess that you'd read it? And what were the repercussions?

If he was concerned about your relationship, did he not perhaps think that speaking to you would be the best option, rather than invading your privacy.

I agree with you. For me it’s a real betray of your trust.

If he read stuff he didn’t like it’s tough shit. That’s his problem. He doesn’t get to police your private thoughts.

However, I know loads of people who agree with your husband that there should be nothing private in a marriage and that they have the right to go snooping if they feel a change in the relationship. Many posters here believe the same.

I think it’s entirely awful. In all honesty, this would have me questioning my whole relationship. Because the people often doing this, are usually quite controlling. But it’s just the first time it’s been obvious.

That was my first thought! He might think he has a right to know everything about you / no secrets,
( what unbelievable tosh from a grown man ) but your right to be able to trust your husband tops that X 1000. I bet he’d hate you going through his phone. You haven’t done that though, because unlike him you CAN be trusted.
The other posters idea of a fake diary is genius!