He read my diary!!

[RoseandTulip]

Basically last night DH admitted he has been reading my journal (which I’m always a bit embarrassed to admit I do because it sounds so teenage girly but I actually get a lot from it) He brought up some things I’d written when I was frustrated with him (which were mostly things I had said to his face anyway but that’s not the point). I explained that it’s just for me to jot down my thoughts about the day and process my own feelings. It’s not for anyone else but me and he shouldn’t take it personally.

when I told him how this upset me as I felt it was a violation of my privacy he said:

1. there should be no “closed doors” in a marriage
2. He did it because he was concerned about me and our relationship
3. what if one of the children were to find it in the future and be upset reading it
4. he would never write down unpleasant things about anyone and it’s malicious

FYI - I don’t reallly write much about the children in there unless it was something like “Ted is starting school! So emotional buying his uniform”. And what I do wrote about DH is pretty mundane like “argued about the bin” I just put it in if I’m feeling annoyed and then I feel better.

I have ZERO desire to read through his phone or his diary if he had one. I feel a bit weird if anyone gives me their phone to do something on because it feels like an intrusion, even with permission.

am I some sort of crazy secretive loon or do most people have these boundaries?

I think this is a potential red flag. He is saying that you are not allowed any space that is not shared / judged by him in your relationship. He thinks he has a right to know your inner most thoughts.

Depending on the rest of your relationship I would be concerned that this was controlling behaviour.

Boundaries are fine. We are all entitled to some healthy privacy. I had to explain to DH that he couldn't just open my post. He was fine about it but his ex wife had always opened his so he thought it was normal.

Everyone deserves some boundaries. I couldn't cope with a relationship where I had none. Not because I have anything to hide but because it would feel so intrusive.

Teenage me did this when I realised my mother had been reading my diary.

Sounds like a guilty conscious and I'd be demanding to look through his private items such as his phone.

That is a gross invasion of privacy, how dare he, and it smacks of a total lack of respect for your boundaries.

Complete betrayal of trust.

The fact that you are married does not mean he has the right to invade all your private thoughts.

Where the diary was left is irrelevant.

His excuses for reading this are also rather pathetic.

It sounds like he thinks he 'owns' you, including your thoughts, and can disrespect your boundaries whenever he feels like it.

That would really concerns me, especially as you seem to have other issues in this marriage.

You're entitled to some privacy in a relationship so he's totally wrong to have read your diary, is he controlling in other ways?

Violation of your privacy. How dare he. My DH opened my barclaycard bill said it was so he could pay for what he had bought using it. He called me at work to tell me how much I owed!!! As if I didn't know! I have always paid my card off every month so that I don't get interest charges. I was furious. Mail addressed to me he opened for whatever reason I just couldn't understand why he couldn't have just paid the money into my account or given it to me. There has to be trust. I would be appalled if he read my diary.

I'm amazed at what some of these men do. I'm a man - straight, not a particularly good man, but nevertheless a man - and I would never dream of doing something like that. I don't even open my partner's hospital appointment letters without asking her first. Why would anyone do any different?
Anyway, you're right to be upset. It's not your fault. It's his.

And then to have the cheek to say it’s malicious! He’s trying to make you feel bad for having a tool to vent because he doesn’t like what’s said about him, I’m guessing it’s because he thinks it about himself or he wouldn’t have brought it up.

Sorry, but that is a disgusting thing to do.

How could anyone respect, let alone trust, someone who has invaded their privacy in such a way?

Have you cecked your phone for a tracker?

Oooooo you gonna have a big fight and win!!

so I agree with point 1. Point 2 if he wanted that then talking to you is better than snooping dude! Points 3&4 are just bs bullying/gaslighting/SOMETHING on his part!!

you’ve bright this shit up in the past and he knows. So you can focus on the stuff that bothers you and can be changed! ( which I think seeing it written down he really didn’t like what he saw in himself, and reacted like a three year old)

so depends on you and hubby. Focus on the change and forgive the violation of privacy, or don’t. But if you write it, if you feel it, if it’s your truth - then I don’t think it requires privacy or to be in the dark. But like I said, I agree with point one - and I also think you upheld that as you’ve already spoken to him about this Stuff.

or get really mad because that asshat is trying to take away your comfort in working through your feelings, jotting down your day, getting stuff outta your head so you can sleep! And trying to use your children against you (point 3, also it would just humanize you to them in the future) and calling you freaking malicious for stunts he’s pulled!!!! Lay that smack down!

ugh. Husbands suck. And this is (points 3&4) something! Something with a name or feeling I don’t know, but I feel sick for you and you shouldn’t feel this way, he is doing and did something wrong!!! It’s like a form of gasdlighting or something. Someone on here will know.

No, you are being totally unreasonable.
While it’s not great he read your diary, i can vaguely follow his reasoning and relate to the fact it can be tempting to try and get insight into what someone is thinking.
On the flip side, I completely understand you find it intrusive and I’m impressed you don’t seem more annoyed about it.
It is both normal and healthy to have an outlet for thoughts and feelings. And it is totally normal for your to argue with your husband from time to time and write about it.
In the unlikely event your children did read it, the only thing they will find is a realistic and honest picture of family life. And thats absolutely fine.
I don’t agree with the concept you are not entitled to keep anything private in a marriage.

That is abusive and controlling. I do not read my 12 year old daughters writings. That is private. If I suspected serious issues, I might but only in very extreme circumstances

You are not unreasonable at all, it’s a massive invasion of privacy, and you’re entitled to some privacy for your own thoughts, as a bare minimum.
On a purely practical level, assuming he’s a decent guy under ordinary circumstances from what you’ve said in your replies, and this jealousy/paranoia is out of character, perhaps the way to come at this is asking him what is he worrying about right now that he felt compelled to read your diary, and how can you move forward from there?
I would also reiterate though that especially having adhd and anxiety, writing your thoughts down is a useful tool to avoid ruminating on things and making yourself feel worse, and he doesn’t get to dictate how you think or feel.
Either way though, YANBU x

The subject of diaries (and people picking them up and reading them) is an age-old worry for lots of people over the years. It is a habit, often started in teenage and hard to stop, even when you reach old age. Also useful in psychotherapy etc. and journaling can be amusing and/or terribly sad just looking back to your current perhaps difficult state of mind. However, the thought of someone reading them is horrible. What do others think?