Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cross with DH but AIBU

47 replies

Pollypocket51 · 28/06/2024 00:13

DH is really great in a lot
of ways. I’ve just been struggling a bit recently. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone in person and I’m wondering AIBU.
We have a 5 year old with ASd and currently waiting for a specialist school place. If we don’t get it by September, it looks like DC won’t be in school for a while so it’s putting a lot of pressure on us. He’s the breadwinner and it will be my job that suffers if this is the outcome.
We don’t spend any quality time together at the moment, we never go out for meals, we aren’t having a proper family holiday this year because there’s been too many weddings etc recently.
My sister who lives abroad has now offered to fly over and babysit while we go away for a couple of nights. She wanted to do it as a surprise for me, so she messaged DH who just passed the message onto me and asked me to respond as him. I arranged it all with her and I let her know that it wouldn’t be a surprise and he would tell me, as I didn’t want her to go to any trouble planning it as a surprise.
I did all the research and booked something for a couple of nights and I paid for it on the credit card. I told my husband that I’d booked it and all he did was moan about us not having the money. He wasn’t happy or excited or anything, which made me quite sad. I know financially it will be a stretch but we have a lot of savings, so it makes sense to prioritise spending some on us having time together but he doesn’t see it like that. We don’t have family around who can manage 2 DC over night (we have a 1 year old as well), so not much opportunity to get out. I feel like he really is putting a downer on it. If DH was so against going away, why didn’t he just say that to DSister in the first place rather than passing it on to me.
I have issues in my family with illness and difficult characters and I’m always the mediator which is very draining. The family issues and the send school situation is really getting to me, I’ve told DH this but he’s not seeming to understand.

OP posts:
Immemorialelms · 28/06/2024 00:16

Why the hell did he pass the message on to you to arrange your own surprise??!!

bunnypenny · 28/06/2024 00:22

argh OP your husband sounds checked out. Assuming he wanted two kids, have you talked about your future?

Original poster
Pollypocket51 · 28/06/2024 00:40

bunnypenny · 28/06/2024 00:22

argh OP your husband sounds checked out. Assuming he wanted two kids, have you talked about your future?

Yes definitely he wanted kids and he’s very good with them.
We haven’t spoken about the future at all really.

OP posts:
Garedenhelp · 28/06/2024 00:42

I guess it depends on how extravagant you have been with the booking.

SEN provision is shocking I'm sorry there may not be a place for your son.

ToxicChristmas · 28/06/2024 00:48

It was really shitty of him to ruin what could have been a lovely surprise because he just can't be bothered to deal with it. I'd be hurt. I agree with a post above that said he has checked out. The further whinging about the cost would make me want to cancel rather than go. Who wants to drag along a reluctant grump? I totally understand the pressure of having a SEN child (DS is now 16) and juggling work and life -it is bloody tough at times. Do you think he could be struggling with depression?

Pantaloons99 · 28/06/2024 00:56

I agree that husband sounds like he's already checked out or in the process of doing so. You know this somewhere inside on some level. That behaviour ref the surprise is appalling tbh.

I imagine life isn't fun and sexy anymore with the stresses you have. I really feel for you. But please just be prepared financially. What he has done here is absolutely not ok. Would you ever in a million years do that to him?

Original poster
Pollypocket51 · 28/06/2024 01:29

ToxicChristmas · 28/06/2024 00:48

It was really shitty of him to ruin what could have been a lovely surprise because he just can't be bothered to deal with it. I'd be hurt. I agree with a post above that said he has checked out. The further whinging about the cost would make me want to cancel rather than go. Who wants to drag along a reluctant grump? I totally understand the pressure of having a SEN child (DS is now 16) and juggling work and life -it is bloody tough at times. Do you think he could be struggling with depression?

Interesting what you said about depression. He’s always been the ‘mental health doesn’t effect me’ type but it’s possible this is what depressions looks like for him. I’ll definitely consider that.

OP posts:
Galectable · 28/06/2024 02:04

He does sound depressed - perhaps the two nights away feel like too much effort? It may be a catalyst for a good chat about your relationship and your lives.

Whataretalkingabout · 28/06/2024 02:40

Nah, don't fall for it OP. I used to pander to my DH's shitty moods and it never got me anywhere. I suggest you pull him up on it. Tell him the trip is booked and paid for and you are both going on it , you both need it and you will have fun , damn it!

Calamitousness · 28/06/2024 06:02

well, here’s another thing to consider with your DH. ASD is largely genetic, could he have it too? If so, he may not be checked out but hugely overwhelmed and not maybe the best at empathy. Just a thought from a stranger that doesn’t know any of you so if it’s a rubbish thought then please ignore it. No malice intended.

AnOldCynic · 28/06/2024 06:31

I agree with @Calamitousness, how engaged has he been with your DS's diagnosis? Has he read up much about the condition and what are his feelings about it?

HettySunshine · 28/06/2024 06:34

Could you leave him at home with the kids and go away with your sister? I think you'd have a much nicer time.

autienotnaughty · 28/06/2024 06:35

I'd ignore the moaning tell him if he didn't want to go he should have told your sister before ruining the surprise.

Give him the choice either he goes or he stays and looks after kids n u go with your sister!

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 28/06/2024 09:05

I think he sounds more ‘selfish shit’ than depressed and put upon husband and father.

If he’s ’so good’ with the kids, leave them with him and take your sister.

Bountiez · 28/06/2024 09:41

Is be tempted to ask your sister to join you on the break and leaving moaning arse home with the kids...see how he likes that one.

Boxina · 28/06/2024 09:43

Calamitousness · 28/06/2024 06:02

well, here’s another thing to consider with your DH. ASD is largely genetic, could he have it too? If so, he may not be checked out but hugely overwhelmed and not maybe the best at empathy. Just a thought from a stranger that doesn’t know any of you so if it’s a rubbish thought then please ignore it. No malice intended.

Why would it be malicious to suggest that somebody might be autistic?

WavingTree · 28/06/2024 09:43

Whataretalkingabout · 28/06/2024 02:40

Nah, don't fall for it OP. I used to pander to my DH's shitty moods and it never got me anywhere. I suggest you pull him up on it. Tell him the trip is booked and paid for and you are both going on it , you both need it and you will have fun , damn it!

This.

And if he won’t go, he can stay with there’s and you go with your sister, or by yourself

Beautifulbythebay · 28/06/2024 09:48

Sounds like a nice trip for you and your sister...

Calamitousness · 28/06/2024 12:50

@Boxina because it’s a horrible thing to suspect and suggest a diagnosis for someone you do not know over the internet based on a brief post. Any diagnosis of anything would apply, not particularly ASD. Why do you not get that?

Boxina · 28/06/2024 18:55

Calamitousness · 28/06/2024 12:50

@Boxina because it’s a horrible thing to suspect and suggest a diagnosis for someone you do not know over the internet based on a brief post. Any diagnosis of anything would apply, not particularly ASD. Why do you not get that?

Because I'm autistic and don't consider it a "horrible thing". Your attitude is discriminatory and ableist, which I suspected, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

There's nothing wrong or "horrible" about being autistic, we are just people with a different neurotype. Your comment is vile.

WavingTree · 28/06/2024 19:33

I really am sick of people suggesting that bad behaviour is down to mental health or autism

Original poster
Pollypocket51 · 28/06/2024 20:54

Thanks for the feedback it’s very much appreciated.
An update, I’ve spoken to DH about it. He said he’s sorry for being negative and didn’t realise he was. He said he does want to go away and is looking forward to the break.
I think what’s actually getting to us both is the situation for our send child in September. We hadn’t discussed it at all because we didn’t want to face up to it. We both realise I might actually have to give up my job and DC might be out of education, so really not great for the whole family. It’s just all pretty miserable at the moment.
We had a good talk and I don’t think he’s checked out although I really hope he can change his behaviour going forward because it wasn’t acceptable.
He definitely could possibly be autistic. We’ve both started to look at ourselves since DC was diagnosed.

OP posts:
ToxicChristmas · 28/06/2024 20:59

Pollypocket51 · 28/06/2024 20:54

Thanks for the feedback it’s very much appreciated.
An update, I’ve spoken to DH about it. He said he’s sorry for being negative and didn’t realise he was. He said he does want to go away and is looking forward to the break.
I think what’s actually getting to us both is the situation for our send child in September. We hadn’t discussed it at all because we didn’t want to face up to it. We both realise I might actually have to give up my job and DC might be out of education, so really not great for the whole family. It’s just all pretty miserable at the moment.
We had a good talk and I don’t think he’s checked out although I really hope he can change his behaviour going forward because it wasn’t acceptable.
He definitely could possibly be autistic. We’ve both started to look at ourselves since DC was diagnosed.

I'm glad you've spoken about it.
When I was severely depressed I just couldn't feel excitement about anything. I was so flat. DH had booked us a lovely break to London for my birthday and I just felt nothing. I tried so hard to be excited but it was a massive struggle. This is why I mentioned depression earlier -it sounded familiar behaviour. Obviously it could not be, but it was worth addressing. Have a lovely break and enjoy every minute.

FuzzyStripes · 28/06/2024 21:13

I’m glad you’ve spoken about it.

What are the issues with getting your child a place at a specialist school in September? Sometimes very clear evidence of a mainstream school being unable to accommodate is what is needed on an EHCP and LAs are notorious for either caving in at the very last minute or losing at tribunal. The stresses parents go through is immense and it can put a huge strain on a family and relationships.

If money is a concern, are you making sure you get any additional financial help that is available such as DLA?

Calamitousness · 28/06/2024 22:04

@Boxina youre wrong and not understanding what I’m saying at all. But if you’re autistic then I get it. Understanding does get misinterpreted. I have close family who are autistic and it can lead to mixed communication.
i won’t keep trying to explain because you’ll double down now. But be clear I love the autistic people in my life and don’t care who is and who isn’t different in whatever way. I won’t read your reply or keep responding because I’ve said it all. And you’re not going to suddenly get it. I wish you well and please try to see where no malice is indeed intended and don’t put you’re own feelings onto others.