Cross with DH but AIBU

[Pollypocket51]

DH is really great in a lot
of ways. I’ve just been struggling a bit recently. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone in person and I’m wondering AIBU.
We have a 5 year old with ASd and currently waiting for a specialist school place. If we don’t get it by September, it looks like DC won’t be in school for a while so it’s putting a lot of pressure on us. He’s the breadwinner and it will be my job that suffers if this is the outcome.
We don’t spend any quality time together at the moment, we never go out for meals, we aren’t having a proper family holiday this year because there’s been too many weddings etc recently.
My sister who lives abroad has now offered to fly over and babysit while we go away for a couple of nights. She wanted to do it as a surprise for me, so she messaged DH who just passed the message onto me and asked me to respond as him. I arranged it all with her and I let her know that it wouldn’t be a surprise and he would tell me, as I didn’t want her to go to any trouble planning it as a surprise.
I did all the research and booked something for a couple of nights and I paid for it on the credit card. I told my husband that I’d booked it and all he did was moan about us not having the money. He wasn’t happy or excited or anything, which made me quite sad. I know financially it will be a stretch but we have a lot of savings, so it makes sense to prioritise spending some on us having time together but he doesn’t see it like that. We don’t have family around who can manage 2 DC over night (we have a 1 year old as well), so not much opportunity to get out. I feel like he really is putting a downer on it. If DH was so against going away, why didn’t he just say that to DSister in the first place rather than passing it on to me.
I have issues in my family with illness and difficult characters and I’m always the mediator which is very draining. The family issues and the send school situation is really getting to me, I’ve told DH this but he’s not seeming to understand.

Op I hope I'm not out of place here - feel free to completely ignore me. You currently hsbe a job so your ds is in some kind of provision?? If so you can continue that until a send school becomes available. Home education doesn't need to be 9-3 and in reception is barely more than playing anyway.
If he's in a nursery and they won't take him after school age you most likely can find a childminder that will. (I'm a home edding childminder so have a fair amount of experience in this area - feel free to pm me if I can help in anyway advice wise xx)

@Calamitousness I completely understand where you were coming from.
@FuzzyStripes we’re just waiting for a school to be allocated and have been told it likely won’t be before September. Everything is approved through EHCP. There’s unfortunately very few options in our area and they are all oversubscribed.
@Motomum23 Has been in mainstream reception with a 121 but school has now said they cannot provide this in year 1 and that they can’t meet DC needs for year 1 so cannot attend. It’s really upsetting because DC really loves school and will probably be very sad not going anymore.
DC probably needs 1 to 1 care so would probably be a nanny instead of a childminder and it may be too expensive but something to look into. Thanks 🙂

How patronising. You said something that I asked you to explain and you did. You were very clear what you meant. Don't try and say it's my misunderstanding because I'm autistic! How incredibly rude.
You said what you said twice because I agreed for clarification, there's no misunderstanding.

If the LA can’t find him somewhere else then the mainstream should keep his place for him and find another one for him to attend. It could be he needs 2:1 if 1:1 isn’t enough and there are sometimes alternative options for some days including nurture farms etc. You could also get a PA costs paid for as part of the EHCP, so you can continue to work.

What about schools further out of your area? If allocated a space, you can also apply and get transport provided.

thanks @FuzzyStripes 121 is fine but the school have said they don’t have enough staff for this. I’m really unsure of the system tbh trying to muddle my way through. The LA don’t seem to want to take responsibility for any of it. We’ve got a tribunal coming up but not until October.
sorry what is PA?

He's probably a bit fed up and stressed about money, once you go away I'm sure he will relax and realise how lovely it is to spend quality time together. X

Definitely keep talking with him when you feel like this. Keep your relationship going with time together it's soooo important.

I have an autistic child. He lost his school place after half a term of reception. I had to give up work. Ex had to support us and became resentful he was working while I never had any time for him. I had no money of my own and no access to money because ex earnt too much for me to even get child benefits but he kept his money for himself- was never a problem when I was working but once o was not and he was paying more bills he resented everything he paid that I used to pay a share of. Yes he had less money for himself but he still got a coffee on his break at work etc while I literally couldn't see friends because I couldn't justify the petrol let alone the coffee. My boy needed constant supervision and we could not find a babysitter who could keep him safe so I couldn't see friends anyway tbh but that meant we got no couple time to sort out issues. I was stressed watching my financial independence freedom and my identity crumble around me. All my hopes for life and all my hard work just falling apart. Basically it broke us.

You need to have conversations about money now. Will you have any spending money? Are you going to be default parent all the time even when he's not at work? Will you get a break? Will you be more than just a carer? Is he prepared for the financial responsibility and does he understand this is the government's fault for cutting all the funding for schools and SEN this isn't something to resent you for? If he is depressed do you have the energy to support him and your child? Will he expect you to do all housework and how do you feel about that? What if you get depressed giving up your life for a child like this is not easy trust me. Will he support you though this? Because the services are not there to support you. Other SEND parents will be great and have great advice and will be listening ears and understanding but they have their own woes you can't lean on them too much and they will need to dump their emotions on you in return.

My child is entering his third year out of school. We have an EHCP. It's not worth shit when there are no schools. I'm single now. I get benefits and child maintenance so actually I've got more money than I had when coupled up. But I have no future really. I doubt there will be a school that will work for my child and im not sure he will manage to live independently or not (hence why my ex is the ex he didn't want this for himself). My ex was a lazy selfish arse and claimed depression and I have mo doubt that was/is true. I wake up every day and wish I were dead im the shell of a person now but I love my children and have to keep going. It's not even the caring that's killing me it's the fucking system- the hours amd hours you put into all the paperwork the constant complaint la to the LA. The tribunal. The horrible phone calls where you have to describe your child's needs like they are this horrible burden to you over and over again. The system breaks you if you don't have someone there to support you. And once you have a fit EHCP and a school place I've seen other parents having to fight every year to keep in at EHCP annual review!! Know what you are going into and make sure he knows what the future hold. No one believes the state of SEND provision unless it's affecting their family. Hopefully things will work out better and quicker for you but have a conversation and have a plan for how to survive this as a couple if this is your life and you can never work again. (I have friends who have kids with school place who still can't work as there are constantly dr appointment SALT OT meetings, child sent home etc etc they can't work as they would be such unreliable employees and the mental load of juggling the admin is a massive task).

If your partner is a good guy this could also make you stronger. I'm thinking if one example in particular where the couple are just so on the same page and still clearly love each other so it can be done.

No YANBU. I'd be tempted to go by myself and enjoy a well earned break rather than have him put a downer on it.

Tell him to take leave from work, do the childcare and you go with your sister.

Go on your own, OP ... or with your sister! I hope you have a lovely break and that the school thing works out for your little one

Came on to say this.

You can be depressed and/or autistic without being an insensitive arse.

Is an SEND school the only possible option for your DC? My 7yo has ADHD and ASD and is coping well in a mainstream school with a TA. His EHCP won’t consider a specialist school at the moment.

Can you put them in mainstream to begin with whilst you wait for a specialist place? It’s sad you may have to give up work because you have no other options.

I get ASD is so wide varying in how it affects people so what works for one child may
not work for another.

I hope you manage to get a school place sorted.

I would suggest that your partner is depressed, and more anxious and stressed about money (or just things in general) than he lets on.

Question though OP - do you perhaps have a history of needing to micromanage? Is it possible he passed the organising on to you because he felt anything he arranged himself would be wrong and you'd complain?

I know it will be your job that suffers if your child doesn't make it into school this year, but from his side, that will put additional pressure on him to keep earning.

I agree, it sounds like he's putting the downers on it but I would encourage you to look and see if there's something going on, if he's struggling with his mental health. We women do often have a habit of ignoring the fact that mental health affects men as well.

If your child has been attending mainstream reception then he has a school place. The school is trying it on if they are telling you they can't meet his needs and expecting you to pull him out; it definitely doesn't work like that. Sure they can suggest he would be better supported in specialist, and if you agree then the EHCP co-ordinator can look for a specialist place. But until one comes up, your child is entitled to stay in his mainstream school. Schools can't just announce that they can't meet needs and say goodbye!

Probs not the best advice.. But if it was me I'd send sis a message saying thank you so much for thinking of me and wanting to plan something nice for me and dh to have a break unfortunately dh spoiled the surprise and is making planning time away pretty miserable so he'll stay home and look after the kids, I've booked xyz if you want to come with me :)

I think when you don’t have family help and everything is about the kids, you get so use to not making that effort because you can’t.

If you have savings to fund this one off break then you should definitely take it whilst your sister is offering to help you out.

Sometimes you forget who you are when you’re not being Mum/Dad for a few hours.

Talk to him and decide how you plan to spend your day and your evening whilst child free. It’s a good chance to reconnect as a couple, he just needs a nudge.

OP sorry you are going through this. You mentioned too many weddings being a reason for not having an annual holiday?
It might be good to reassess how many weddings you go to , your small family unit should come first. People will understand that you have very young children.
Prioritise yourselves.

Sounds like he’s being an ass!

but also sounds like he’s overwhelmed and showing in another way.

but seriously. He has an amazing opportunity to show love, instead he passed it off. Then again! And he’s being an ass.

so yes he’s being a downer and a poop, and you have every right to be hurt.

as for the ASD. Don’t know your country, but we legally have to put our kids in school, and they legally have to accommodate them. Look into the legislation further, your school might be being slimy.

Leave DH to look after the kids and you go away with your sister.

If he has an EHCP then that has money attached to it for the school to fund his needs i.e. if it says he needs a 1:1 they should be providing that, using the money. I’m not sure where you stand if a different school is named on the EHCP though (i.e. they’ve named the specialist school). My son’s says he needs a 1:1 so that’s why they have to provide (although my son’s school has actually been ok on that front and he’s had one all year even though they didn’t apply for EHCP until later).

You to take legal advice. Look at SENDIASS as a starting point, this website will help you find the one local to you - https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/

Look at his EHCP and at what they are required to provide as it’s a legal document.

Thanks everyone for the advice and support messages. The situation with the mainstream school looks a bit better and they are going to try and accommodate DC while we wait for a specialist place. It’s so frustrating because EHCP does state 1:1 needed but they only fund about £8k per year which is clearly not enough money for a 1:1 staff member. So DC will no longer have 1:1 support in school hours which is not ideal at all. We’re hoping that the specialist place comes through soon but I’m pleased that I don’t have to think about resigning at the moment.
We have sorted things out with the trip and we are both looking forward to it. Although it’s a reminder for me that we aren’t taking much time to focus on each other and our marriage and haven’t been for some time due to what’s going on in our lives.

@Pollypocket51 thanks for update. Glad things are a bit better at home and school. Having a child with SEN is incredibly challenging at times. You really need all your support to be working for you so you know that during and after school everything is ok. It makes such a difference to have that support. I often find the mother bears the largest brunt of the challenges if any part fails. We hear and see you. Wishing you the very best.