How do you start being "nice" as a person without looking "weak"?

[greenglassfull]

Just that really ...

Just to expand I have seen some recent threads where I think the OP is being kind and very helpful - what I would call "nice".

However I am also minded that being nice/kind can be seen as a weakness.

I want to be loving, kind, nice but also assertive - how do you/we strike a balance?

What do you mean by be 'seen' as a weakness?

It doesn't matter if people see your kindness as weakness, unless you're actually weak.

If you're strong and kind, they'll realise they were wrong about you.

It’s a balance I think.

being nice but having good boundaries and being able to both say no and stand your ground in the face of cheeky fuckers or rude or aggressive people is very different from someone who is nice but because they don’t like confrontation so get walked over and get taken advantage of.

of course the other side of the coin is to be genuinely nice rather than having the skill to appear so so you can be the cheeky fucker or take advantage.

Being kind and nice is not a weakness. Being assertive doesn't mean you can't be kind and nice , it means you aren't a 'pushover '

I was always told to treat others as you would like them to treat you. This has generally worked well. However if someone abuses that kindness, starts trying to take the piss then they get pretty short shrift

Some people don’t understand that being nice isn’t a weakness. There is a difference. You can be nice but always make sure you have boundaries and assertively protect them so that people don’t try to take the mick - or if they do try, they soon learn not to try again. You just have to be ready to deal with cheeky fuckers.

@greenglassfull

Kindess is a strength.

Perhaps you mean being seen as meek and people pleasing as opposing to firm.

You can be both kind and set firm boundaries, for example:

"Thank you so much for inviting me to the event. I will have to decline this time, but I really appreciate you thinking of me."

Edited to tag OP

Ah, I see that I cross-posted with others!

My mum used to say

"Be thoughtful, be helpful but don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

I'm 55 now and I've pretty much stuck to that all my life.

Also there’s ways to enforce your boundaries while staying polite and respectful

Strange to see kindness as weakness. Makes me wonder if you spend much of your life in a toxic environment? Seems like something a bully would say or think.

Kindness is showing respect and consideration for others. It’s more than simply what you do, it’s the way that you do it.

I agree with everyone else. Kindness, or being nice to people isn't a 'weak' thing at all.
In some circumstances, it can be an extremely brave thing to do.

I’m confused by this post, OP - there’s very few I’ve met that see kindness as weakness, and those who do a) I don’t want to be around and b) learn very swiftly their mistake.

Don’t think about it - be nice and kind, as long as you balance that with being firm, consistent and fair.

No I don't see it as a weakness but am genuinely confused by terms such as "kindness" and what it means in practice.

I am not living/working in an environment that I would describe as bullying or toxic - but appreciate others may be.

@TwattyMcFuckFace sums up how I feel and your mum must have been awesome

I would suggest self reflection to identify why nice equates to weak in your mind? Were nice people in your life treated less than?

Oh no the exact opposite - hence my question!

Boundaries are the key to this. You can be nice and kind without being a pushover. Learning to politely say no to things while also being generous with your time and affection where you want to.

am genuinely confused by terms such as "kindness" and what it means in practice.

Can you give an example of the kind of situation you’re thinking of that is confusing?

But is is not therefore unkind for you not to want to be around "these people"?

This just raises questions such as why are you feeling this way? What has happened? Who is it in particular you want to be kind to?

I don't give two shits if anyone thinks I'm weak. I know I'm not. I have always been empathic but it took time to fully live my values.

The only people who will think or call you weak are people who do not share these values. You want to keep those people at arms length. Often these will be the people who will try trample all over your boundaries, often narcissistic personalities. If you are genuinely empathetic you are probably already in relationships or have family members who are narcissistic and believe kindness is weakness. These are the messed up people not you

So the answer is basically just do what feels good inside and genuine - not to win friends or look good. Fir example,I just can't leave a snail in the road. I always have to move it. No one knows, I don't do it for favour, it feels right. So make that your motivation; living a life that aligns with your values

Set boundaries so you are not taken advantage of. It's absolutely ok to say no to anything you don't want to do. Just say it with kindness.

Don't fake it be it and mean it.
Why do you feel you have to ask@greenglassfull ?

I made the decision yesterday, in a close friendship, to just give & be kind, not question and just accept what I am told. Various reasons & just with this particular person. I was worried about being weak/a pushover/a mug. But then I realised that in this case - with a friend who really needs some unconditional love from someone, it’s not a weakness. He can choose to respond however he wants & it’s still not a weakness on my part. I feel very strong tbh since making that decision. It’s my choice - no-one is making me do it & I want nothing in return. I feel much more at peace & in control since making that decision.

Why? Part of a healthy approach is to be clear who you want to spend your life with. Bullies don’t make the cut. I’m not unkind to them, I just choose not to give them bandwidth.

Do no harm, but take no shit.

I think it would help to have more context as to what might be being kind/nice and what might be being a pushover? If it causes you no detriment whatsoever, and it's just being helpful, then that's probably fine, but if it encroaches on what you/your close friends/relatives would consider reasonable then it's being unreasonable/ being a CFer/however you want to word it.

Basically, don't put yourself out if it's going to disadvantage you (in any way)

Actually what a previous poster said "Do no harm, but take no shit" is a very succinct, but not unkind way of expressing it

Here’s an example:

There was a girl who was two years older than me who bullied me for an entire year - I didn’t know her, I don’t know why she decided to bully me, and it was an extremely stressful year of my young life. I was 14.
Fast forward to my adult life, and I was at a hometown function and all of a sudden here she came rushing towards me — my bully, who I hadn’t seen since school.
She was all sunshine and smiles and gushing about how wonderful it was to see me after all these years —
I pulled all the strength I had and told her how lovely it was to see her, too.
Even though I would’ve much preferred to tell her I hadn’t forgotten a single day of her bullying and how it had affected my life.
Actually, her bullying made me a much more kind and empathetic person.