Ending friendships post having DC?

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There’s a few friends who come to mind that I find more of a chore to socialise with since having DD (9 months). I know I should feel privileged to have people that still want to be in our lives and I know that some people have the opposite since having DC but…

DH works full time, quite often getting home late during the week. I’m quite lucky that I’ve made a lot of new mum friends who I see during the week whilst DH is at work. Sunday morning DH has DD while I participate in a hobby, then the afternoons is either seeing family/catching up on jobs/getting ready for the week - we’ve also got a fixer upper of a house that takes a lot of our time.

That leaves Saturday for the three of us to spend time together/make plans. I have one friend who I’ve had since school, he has a tendency to be slightly rude, making comments about our house, ‘banter’ and is somewhat flakey. Before having DC it didn’t bother me as much as it was unconditional love. He’s messaged me to see when we’re free to catch up. I really don’t want to prioritise spending Saturday afternoon with him verses DH. His comments gets on DH nerves therefore I100% support his decision to do anything else. Honestly, I don’t really want to see him either.

There’s another friend who I used to meet up with a couple of times a year. Her boyfriend is a dick, his arrogance is something else and I just don’t like him. She’s sent a message suggesting all of us meeting up/going for a meal or for them to come over. Again zero motivation to make this happen.

There’s a family member who never gets the hint to leave. Before I was fine seeing them a couple of times a week in the evenings as I knew they were lonely but now I have less sympathy and just want to go to bed/rather watch tv with DH if he’s home. I’ll find any excuse to not have them over.

Before DD I’d love to fill my evenings/weekends socialising. Now I just want to sack everyone off that I don’t actually want to see. I think maybe before I saw the good in people/made allowances but now my tolerance is on the floor. We still do a lot of socialising, but with a lot of our new friends we’ve made together/people that both of us want to see/other couples we like with kids or with our closest friends.

I feel bad as some of these people have been in my life for years, way before DH came on the scene. It has nothing to do with DH, it’s me, I’m loosing my sense of duty I guess. While I’m minimising physically I’m also wanting to minimise ‘what brings me joy’ in my life/socially.

It’s obviously up to you but be fully prepared for your new mum friends not to last the duration once maternity leaves end and difference in parenting styles becomes apparent. You could find you’ve ditched your long standing friends and end up being quite lonely.

After having my DD I just cannot be arsed anymore with people who aren’t super important to me or who don’t make an effort. I realised after I had her that a lot of my friends actually make me feel bad about myself or make me put in all the effort. My prioritise are different now and I’m not going out of my way to please them.

The family member who's lonely - could you meet them outside your house at all or is that a pain for you? Otherwise maybe just be blunt!
The friend whose boyfriend is a dick, if you like her can you suggest you meet up without partners? That's assuming you basically like these people.
As for the ones you don't enjoy spending time with at all, you're well within your rights to limit time, DC or not!

Interesting. Mmm my first reaction was that if I was one of those friends I’d prefer you ditched me rather than see me out of duty, as you sound quite apathetic towards them.
I think that to an extent older friendships (in my case anyway) had to dial back as I didn’t have capacity to see them / travel etc as much - and for you it sounds like you have limited dh and hobby time at the weekend. Some of mine settled into a MUCH slower pace, others drifted. I also like a pp reassessed and drew back from folks who weren’t really valuing me/my family.
id differentiate between whether you like them but just don’t have time at the moment to have anything like the same regularity. Or whether ur not bothered.
You could also set the boundaries in place - eg calling your friend up on his conversation topics, or asking your friend to meet just 1:1

Mmm seems like you have become bedazzled with your shiny new mum friends.

These friendships are usually quite fickle and fake and barely last the distance. As your child grows you will find your differing views/parenting styles may pull you apart. Mum friends are barely more than familiar aquintances if we are honest with ourselves!

Such a good point. In the first year I saw new mum friends loads. But as everyone went back to work 9-12 months in lots of the meet ups started to fall apart. Even if they started out with good intentions!

Also, don't mistake the intensity of going through new motherhood together with being best friends! Sometimes it does end up this way but often it's just about getting through this massive transition with others who are experiencing similar things. I am now really close to just one of the 11 "mum friends" I spent the first year with. The others haven't been in my life for years.

Yes I get totally normal for the baby stage. However don't dump your friends in a few years time you'll regret it

I think when childless you have more time and energy, then having a child makes your put friendships into perspective. You have an energy, time and ability to be sociable limit, and you start to almost quantify friendships. Whereas before you'd be happy to spend time with them and get out and about, now your priorities have changed. I realised that some of my 'friends' were out of routine and not actual connection and the friendships naturally fizzled when I was in a different place with a kid to their child free life. Other friends I grew close to.

Just evaluate the friendships and don't get rid because of the inconvenient boyfriend, suggest meeting your friend on your own. Once maternity leave it over you might not stay in touch with your baby mum's because they'll get busy and weekends become precious time.

But I think what you describe is normal.

I feel similarly to you but more because I am overwhelmed with family life, work and wider family and there is literally only so much of me to go around. I think we all have different amounts on our plates and I have ADHD so have a smaller plate to start with. I have had to prioritise my own family post children and to be honest I am happiest and most calm when with them. Most of my friends understand and I do try and see them when I can and check in via whatsapp etc. Some of my more demanding friends I have had to step back from even though we were so close before which makes me sad. I imagine if your old friends were free during the day in the week when your DH at work you would want to see them then but at the moment only the new Mum friends are free then.

I do appreciate that my new mum friends aren’t going to be long life friends. They way I see it, they’re in the similar bracket to friends I made at uni/work - absolutely great to have at the time, really enjoy their company and the time we spend together but I know that we’ll end up drifting apart once we go down separate paths. I made the mistake of thinking that all the friends I made at uni were going to be friends for life as we hung out all the time. But we all moved on with our lives and drifted apart but I do appreciate the time we spent together.

I put in my OP about meeting mum friends moreso that people didn’t think I was sitting at home waiting for my husband to keep me company on the weekends.

Also another poster hit the nail on the head. A lot of my long time friends live a fair distance away. Quite often have to reserve the whole afternoon. I kinda feel if I’m travelling back to my home town I’d rather prioritise seeing my sister/best friend. But, I do feel bad as these friends I don’t have the greatest motivation to see are making the effort to come see us. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the energy to entertain for the afternoon especially as I don’t find them the best of company.

Please don't take this the wrong way could you possibly have PND. It sounds like your isolating yourself. I get the comforts of home are too inviting sometimes but you do need time to yourself outside of the family circle also.

Totally get this. I think how much of this is the sleep deprivation new baby stage, once they are at school will you have more time?
Do you like them or are you actually indifferent? (Or is it just the travel and energy)

If it's you're genuine out of like with them just make an excuse and let it fizzle.

If it's right now, raincheck them. Say that you're struggling with lots of travel while your exhausted and you hadn't expected how hard it is with a new baby and a house full of dying. That it's not personal, not forever and you'll circle back when things are a bit calmer, and let's stay connected without meeting up for a bit.

The family member I'd just be blunt with.

This will pass though, what's important is reflecting imif what your feeling is temporary or permanent. It is ruthless

Ooops house full of DIY 🙈

Priorities change when you have a family. The energy is sucked out of you, routine takes over, having to use your only bits of free time/energy on company that feels more of a chore becomes a ballache. I see no one really apart from my sister, any of my real close friends understand I'm massively antisocial now don't call me ill call you sort of thing, and I probably won't call cause in all honesty i can't be bothered. U can care about people from a distance and if they aren't willing to pick up where u left off IF you eventually want to get back into the mix then they arent your sort of people anyway. Don't feel guilty theres far too much pressure on mums anyway to do it all!

No OP, don't discard all of your friendships because you have a baby. Do what you want, or feel able to do - if this means seeing people less, or in different places, so be it - let your friendships evolve and adapt, but don't just chuck them away. Your friend offered you 'unconditional love' so there must be some value in the relationship whether or not you can meet on a Saturday afternoon. You don't want to go to your friend's for a meal, so don't go - you can still be her friend.
I've been the friend without children in this scenario and have needed to adapt (even when it felt hard at first) to a friend's new priorities - accept that I'd see them less and in different contexts. I don't remember being binned off in favour of anyone's 'mum friends.' Old and new can co-exist - it just takes a bit of time and compromise.

On the one hand it sounds like some of these friendships would have maybe run their course with or without you having a baby. This happens and it isn't wrong to move on from friendships that no longer work.

On the other hand I agree with PP, some of us get lucky with maternity friends and it goes beyond mat leave but you don't know this yet. It's hard because young children really bog you down but think about the long term. There are plenty of threads on here from people who have let their friendships slide and it turns out it's actually really really hard to build new friendships from nothing. Don't just assume that you can pick people up when you've got time for them again, they might move on without you.

Hmm.. Well it sounds like you don't really like your old friends!
I made mum friends too but really valued my old friends. I could be myself with them and I loved the fact we could talk about other things - not just babies, nappies, weaning, sleep etc. I loved my mum friends but sometimes got sooo bored with all the conversations revolving around babies.
With my old friends I still had that connection to my pre-children life. The person I used to be before becoming a mum.
My children are now 13 and 11 and I've drifted apart from most of the mum friends but my old friends are still very much in my life. They're like family.

It’s difficult to make time for friends when you have kids. Your first responsibility is to the kids, to spend time with them and facilitate their relationship with grandparents. That alone takes up a huge chunk of time, and when the kids are finally in bed you’re stuck in the house because you can’t leave them.

Then you have extra chores to do because the kids create more laundry and make the house a mess. You need to work more hours because kids cost money.

After all that you’re exhausted and can’t be bothered going out!

A while ago I tried to make friends with a neighbour who has kids, and she was just like nope, I don’t have time for another friend. I was hoping our kids could play together but she just didn’t have time in her life. This is really common nowadays.

Sounds perfectly normal, the transition from pre-kids to being a mum can change lots of things. For me, it made me evaluate how I'd most like to spend my free time.
Rather than ditch people, I think I decided to just decide at the time whether I wanted to see them that day/weekend. If I didn't then I grew a thicker skin and made my excuses. Some friends stick around and make it work because they accept that things inevitably have to change when kids come along. Some don't and drift away (or fall out).

I personally have many see-every-few-months friends, and this works just fine. I am autistic though and ultimately if my post-kid friendship style doesn't work for them, they're free to find other friends.

I don't have many friends but I don't need many, I like to see them now and then, check in with them and that's it, because quite frankly, home life is busy and I don't have the "spoons" for anything more. (Check out spoon theory, if you haven't heard of it, it helps me massively as a neurodivergent person.)

People have different friendship styles, don't be made to feel bad because yours has changed (or you have less energy to make it work now with others who prefer to see you more frequently).

As for the family member, visit them at their home. You can leave when you like then. Alternatively, they can pop over but you might be going out in an hour or so (or to sleep) giving them a heads up.

I totally get where you’re coming from but regardless of having kids, it’s always a good idea to distance yourself from friendships that don’t really add anything to your life.

I’ve been quite lucky, my pre-kid friends are mostly still around, some have kids of their own, some not. I really value those friendships, particularly the non-kid time we spend together from time to time - it’s really important to have at least some time away from the family (we usually have a couple
of long weekends away per year).

I agree with the poster above about new mum friends. Some might become longstanding friends but many drift away. During maternity leave we saw the five couples from the NCT group regularly. After everyone returned to work and kids started nursery, etc. it slowed down significantly. Now, 3-4 years later we only see one of the couples, always with our kids, every other month.

I can relate to this. Since having my daughter I’ve definitely distanced myself from people who bring negativity into my life. I would have tolerated them before. Maybe something changes once you become a parent?

I think it is natural that with a life change you evaluate friendships. I would question whether it is the friends that need to be ditched though - maybe you need to work on communicating your boundaries better. Friend #1 I would be clear and direct next time he oversteps with the banter & see him at a less prime time that sat afternoon. Friend #2 see her without the boyfriend. Family member - move beyond hints. It may well be that your friends react badly to you being more assertive with what works for you - that’s their choice.

I'd say bide your
Time as only stop seeing people that don't give you joy

Mum friends can dry up once work restarts so I wouldn't count on them all being there long term.

Most of my friends are from work, kids school and I have two left from baby days

If it was one friend I'd say they're the problem but given that there's a list of people, the problem is you. You are in a bubble at there moment. You run the risk of emerging from this bubble and having no one.

Do you have some affection for these people that led you to become long term friends or did you just use them to fill a gap in your life when it suited you?

Yes, I think you need to ask yourself questions about why you appear to have so many longtime ‘friends’ in your life that you simply don’t like? That seems to me to be the real question here, and that motherhood is a red herring, or at least relevant only because it’s limiting your time and energy.