Ending friendships post having DC?

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There’s a few friends who come to mind that I find more of a chore to socialise with since having DD (9 months). I know I should feel privileged to have people that still want to be in our lives and I know that some people have the opposite since having DC but…

DH works full time, quite often getting home late during the week. I’m quite lucky that I’ve made a lot of new mum friends who I see during the week whilst DH is at work. Sunday morning DH has DD while I participate in a hobby, then the afternoons is either seeing family/catching up on jobs/getting ready for the week - we’ve also got a fixer upper of a house that takes a lot of our time.

That leaves Saturday for the three of us to spend time together/make plans. I have one friend who I’ve had since school, he has a tendency to be slightly rude, making comments about our house, ‘banter’ and is somewhat flakey. Before having DC it didn’t bother me as much as it was unconditional love. He’s messaged me to see when we’re free to catch up. I really don’t want to prioritise spending Saturday afternoon with him verses DH. His comments gets on DH nerves therefore I100% support his decision to do anything else. Honestly, I don’t really want to see him either.

There’s another friend who I used to meet up with a couple of times a year. Her boyfriend is a dick, his arrogance is something else and I just don’t like him. She’s sent a message suggesting all of us meeting up/going for a meal or for them to come over. Again zero motivation to make this happen.

There’s a family member who never gets the hint to leave. Before I was fine seeing them a couple of times a week in the evenings as I knew they were lonely but now I have less sympathy and just want to go to bed/rather watch tv with DH if he’s home. I’ll find any excuse to not have them over.

Before DD I’d love to fill my evenings/weekends socialising. Now I just want to sack everyone off that I don’t actually want to see. I think maybe before I saw the good in people/made allowances but now my tolerance is on the floor. We still do a lot of socialising, but with a lot of our new friends we’ve made together/people that both of us want to see/other couples we like with kids or with our closest friends.

I feel bad as some of these people have been in my life for years, way before DH came on the scene. It has nothing to do with DH, it’s me, I’m loosing my sense of duty I guess. While I’m minimising physically I’m also wanting to minimise ‘what brings me joy’ in my life/socially.

I wasn't very sociable when mine were babies - too exhausted! Can't you just see them every few months? When your child is older you might want to spend more time with your friends. You have more time and energy as the kids get older and start wanting to do other things - not just things that revolve around your child.

I would be very carefully about ending special friendships, because you will live to regret it.

You can always find ways of gently dialing back seeing them, but you can easily keep in touch.

Don't agree with this at all, I think it's poor form to not bother to make an effort but then expect everyone to just pick up for you when you want them to.

Ending all your friendships formed before your children and partner, keeping only ‘mum friends’ is a sure fire way to experience burn out down the line.
Your baby is only 9 months, still in the thick of it really, but soon you won’t want every single aspect of your life to be entirely centred around them. You also exist outside of your children.

Agree.

Hardly unconditional love if you wanna ditch them as soon as they become inconvenient

You sound like a horror. I'm glad you're not my friend. People care for you and making the effort to be in your life. Your attitude is to dump them for your new friends. Nasty person.

I think it's really important to protect friendships that mean alot to you if poss. Its fine to dial down on acquaintance/ casual friendships and if parenthood has made you reprioiritise and see that these people are not adding anything to your life then perhaps it is right to let them go as they didn't mean that much to you in the first place.

But those unconditional friendships where you can truly be yourself, and you know that person is there for you through the bad times as well as good - are like gold dust. So be careful throwing any relationship like that away for new mum friends. As PP have said there is no guarantee you can pick those friendships up again if you don't speak for years.

I would be prepared for the new mum friends to dry up once mat leaves ends/people go back to work. That naturally happens for a good few (but not all). But I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think priorities can change once small people enter your lives and free time is more of a commodity.

Bit much. OP is in doubt and trying to navigate a difficult time.

I'm not a parent bit most of my friends are. In the baby and small children years, we weren't I touch much other than birthdays and Christmas, and one or two other meet-ups. 2 decades on, all those babies are leaving home, and people are much more sociable again.

Unless they're really stupid, they won't be surprised to take a back seat for the next few years. And you might appreciate them in future years. So don't burn your bridges.

Agree with this. Sounds very harsh when someone having a busy time with a house and new baby and just asking advice

Dont be too quick to sack them off!

You never know what's around the corner...

Me too. Good friends will understand that you have other priorities, but it’s a bit much to drop them & then expect them to be there for you however many years later.

Can you have a summer BBQ and get everyone out of the way at once? Explain you are running out of time.

I did a lot of BBQs, group meet-ups for my birthday, mixing up friendship groups at the drop of a hat to try and stay connected while acknowledging I didn't have as much time and energy as I used to have.

Also did a LOT of pizza at mine with my closest pals to save on babysitting.

They appreciated it, I appreciated them, 20 years on those are the friendships that have sustained me.

Re-prioritise and do things differently by all means, but don't drop your real friends.

if they aren't willing to pick up where u left off IF you eventually want to get back into the mix then they arent your sort of people anyway.

Other people, whether they have children or not, are not going to be prepared to just hang around being picked up and dumped at the whim of a new parent. As someone who was phased out quickly by pregnant friends for daring to be infertile, by the time they've contacted me a few years down the line wanting to pick up where they left off....I'm the one who has moved on. It's just basic respect and if you don't have any for friends, then they are quickly gong to stop bothering with you and concentrate on other friends.

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