Don't my friend her relationship isn't real-was aibu?

[quiltbear]

My friend is 39
I've posted about her before
She lives with her mum and doesn't have a job .
We used to be close but she hates anything good happening in people's lives and she just seemed a bit toxic .
I understand her life might make her this way and couldn't cut her off.
She had a boyfriend who lives in Canada ,she met him once and he visited her for a week 15 years ago.
Since then he got married (when they split ) and had 2 kids.
My friend and him got back together 4 years ago (never seen each other )
Talk on face time and WhatsApp
He still lives with his ex wife and kids.
Anyway I said to her are you happy? Would you not want to find a man in this country ?
Who you can have time with
A proper real relationship
She lost it
This is the best relationship
We are so happy
He's great for me
Etc etc
Was in the wrong?
I didn't want to be nasty
She's wasting her life
She doesn't go out except to the supermarket
She has no Friends but me
She lives with her mum who hasn't left home for over 15 years

"Told my friend "
Autocorrect

Arrogant and wrong. Not everyone lives a life that is judged to be inside the societal norm.

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, and the only way, it does not exist.

Nietzsche

There was no need for you to say I can't see for one minute it would benefit her to say it other than 'I am right you are wrong'

she's your friend.. your job as a friend is to support her and if she wants this relationship then its non of your business!

I'd say the same. She's living a half life, scared to make a real one. Up to her, but as a friend I'd want to encourage her confidence, go out, join clubs etc.

I'm really surprised at the early responses, surely anyone who cares for this woman would express some concern at the situation.

I'd do the same OP. As a friend its fine to challenge her as long as its done with her best interests at heart.

hes not broken up with his ex. Thats for sure.

Sorry but it's cruel to allow your friend to live in lala land.

I think it's good you send something OP provided it was said in a sensitive way

I'd make my concerns known too. A man in another country, claiming to be living with an ex wife, who doesn't come to visit your friend is more than likely a married man whose wife isn't aware of her ex status.

You could tell her you were a bit blunt and that you're concerned he's taking advantage of her, talk to her rather than just announce she's not in a real relationship, let her know you're concerned for her. She probably knows deep down he's a walking red flag but doesn't want to admit it.

I think YABU. It sounds like she has something else going on (mental health? autism?) and when she said “he’s great for me” he probably genuinely is. Not everyone is the same or wants the same.

For him to be married /had kids and living with his "ex wife " still married
Seems cruel on my friend
She's always wanted marriage /kids
She's gonna miss out on it all because of this fantasy
He ain't moving here
She ain't moving there
I don't understand what future is ahead
When her mums gone -what will she do
I'm scared for her

Of course you should tell her. She's your friend and she's being taken for a ride by some loser on the other side of the world. If you don't tell her, who will? Hopefully it'll sink in after the initial defensiveness.

You cocked it right up OP because telling someone their “relationship isn’t real” was never going to go down well, was it? Of course she was automatically going to get defensive; there’s a way to talk to someone tactfully (if you must) & your approach wasn’t it.

Agreed.

I didn't say it bluntly
It kinda just slipped out me saying "finding a real relationship "
I just meant someone who could meet up,nice dates ,weekend away etc
Normal stuff

I only hope she's not sending him money

She doesn't sound very mentally stable and if she doesn't want help id leave her to it

Tbh I'd fizzle away from her.

Let her get on with what ever she's doing you get on with your life.
Before you get dragged down with it.
Having to ask online for others advice goes to show it's getting to you.

I’d apologise for offending and then try to persuade her to get out a bit more.

She sounds vulnerable and if I were you, I'd be worried she might start sending people money. But there is only so much you can do to protect her. Does she generally listen and take advice from you? Have a think about it how much you are prepared to take on, on her behalf.

She’s 39 and from what you say, has never had a life that fits in with society’s norns. The odds of her listening to you and doing a radical change is non existent.

The very fact it’s not a relationship that is going to go anywhere is probably its appeal and what she wants.

Agreed. It's not helping the friend in the slightest to simply nod and go along with this situation. A gentle conversation here (which is what the OP has tried to do) is definitely needed, even if the friend doesn't like to hear it.

She's not your responsibility and will figure things out when she needs to.

It sounds as though she is her mum's carer, so maybe this is a way for her to feel like she's in a relationship, because actually having one would throw up questions about what her mum will do if she moves out. This way she doesnt have to confront that.