Don't my friend her relationship isn't real-was aibu?

[quiltbear]

My friend is 39
I've posted about her before
She lives with her mum and doesn't have a job .
We used to be close but she hates anything good happening in people's lives and she just seemed a bit toxic .
I understand her life might make her this way and couldn't cut her off.
She had a boyfriend who lives in Canada ,she met him once and he visited her for a week 15 years ago.
Since then he got married (when they split ) and had 2 kids.
My friend and him got back together 4 years ago (never seen each other )
Talk on face time and WhatsApp
He still lives with his ex wife and kids.
Anyway I said to her are you happy? Would you not want to find a man in this country ?
Who you can have time with
A proper real relationship
She lost it
This is the best relationship
We are so happy
He's great for me
Etc etc
Was in the wrong?
I didn't want to be nasty
She's wasting her life
She doesn't go out except to the supermarket
She has no Friends but me
She lives with her mum who hasn't left home for over 15 years

I think you did the right thing, albeit a bit clumsily. She isn't in a proper relationship, he still lives with his "ex" wife and kids.
Your friend seems to have serious issues, and so does her mother by the sound of it. What does she do for income? Is she on benefits? Is her mother supporting her?

You can't have "support her" and "none of your business" at the same time. If I'm expected to support something, them it IS my business and I have to at least feel comfortable with what I'm supporting.

Op "a typical relationship" would have been better than "proper" in hindsight but you're right to challenge her

Clearly there is much deeper issues, she doesn’t go out, she has no friends, what’s the odds of her finding true love? This fantasy makes her happy and fills a gap, let her be.

Yep. Your friend is being played with. Very sad - she sounds vulnerable.

You did the right thing. She’s obviously feeling like she’s better off having some ridiculous “relationship” with someone she’s never actually going to have a proper relationship with because she’s scared of being alone/waking up to reality. You were right to share your concerns. You’ve said your piece now so I wouldn’t mention it again, but you were IMO very right to say something.

You can support someone as a person, but disagree with some things they do.

OP, however well meaning, you’ve just told her that the one thing that (she thinks) is good in her life is shit.

I agree with checking she’s not giving him money etc but then back off.

Hmm. Is he a 'military veteran' by any chance? I'm contacted by these from Canada or the US on the regular (unsolicited) and it's clearly bullshit. Regardless this man is clearly making stuff up and it's good you have your friend's back

I have a close relative that is in quite similar circumstances except she’s a few years older than your friend. I strongly suspect she uses the long distance relationship mainly to ward off all the comments she was getting about being single tbh.
I think it’s very obvious when someone says that they’re happy in a situation but they actually aren’t however I don’t think pointing it out to them is necessary helpful. I mean, if she’s not happy she knows that already. There’s no point in saying “wouldn’t you like a marriage and kids or a partner who takes you away for the weekend?” Even if she does (and who says she hasn’t tried to find someone else?), life isn’t always that easy that you can find that just because you want it.
If it was just the one aspect of her life u were concerned about that would be one thing but all in all it sounds like she has something going on such as mental health problems or there’s something about the home situation you don’t know.
Honestly, I don’t think you should have said it the way you did, you should have thought about it and voiced your concerns in a more sensitive way and not just focussed on the relationship.
If you are going to criticise someone’s life choices, you always have to be prepared for the fact that it could seriously damage the relationship, that’s just the way it is. It sounds like you’re not really close any more thought so probably the time to do it was long passed anyway.

Yanbu, obviously, OP, but, being realistic, how likely is someone who doesn’t work (has she ever?) lives with her mother aged 39, has one friend, only leaves the house to go to the supermarket, and has been in an essentially imaginary relationship with a man on another continent whom she’s met precisely once — how likely is that person, who sounds fragile and vulnerable, to brave the OLD world and deal with the rebuffs and rejections likely to find someone to have a ‘real’ relationship with?

And, bluntly, why would someone want a vulnerable-sounding non-working adult who lives with her mother, seldom leaves the house and has no relationship experience?

Im not sure this imaginary relationship with the Canadian is really preventing her from finding an actual relationship.

She doesn't have much going on in her life and you overtly tried to undermine one of the few things she has. Yes, you were being unreasonable. Even if it was for the right reasons. I would be looking at that relationship and thinking it was a waste of time, too but that's not for me to decide for someone else.

If it was me, I would see this "relationship" as a symptom of the bigger issues and try to support her there. Not everyone lives the same life as you and values the same things as you but, if you genuinely feel like she isn't happy and that she might want other things then support her to get them by helping her see what's possible. It'll take more effort and it might not be possible but it's the better way to be a friend.

He’s not her boyfriend is he. He’s some bloke who lives in Canada