Hiding her number under a different name

[AmberHiker]

I’m going to try to keep this short. Husband is 45 works alongside a 20 year old 3/4 nights a week in a busy food place. In our relationship we set boundaries and he knows mine.

I noticed a message on the Apple Watch linked to his phone under a name I haven’t seen before . It was wrote to make me think this was a common Turkish name but I decided to WhatsApp check to see if it’s on there and up pops the profile photo of a young woman.

when he comes home I ask who this person is and he tells me a Turkish friend wanting to know a good chiropractor hence the message ) it was about that ) and I say really? It’s only when I say I ran the number through WhatsApp he says it’s the girl from work. He said I saved it under a fake name as I knew you would go mad . He has previous for seedy internet usage liking porn photos on public profiles alongside this visiting women’s profiles sometimes on Facebook. I thought it was all done with

I explained you knew my boundaries and you know the issues we have so why would you add her and hide who it is simply to be able to recommded a chiropractor? I couldn’t see any previous messages due to issues between the watch and his phone. Couldn’t you have just told her when she’s next to you at work!

of course I’m controlling I’m paranoid I want him to be a ‘ vegetable ‘ in terms of social media usage as I raised the fact last week he was back visiting random female profiles combined with this … I asked him two logical questions of which he responded don’t know too

1- if you knew it was crossing a boundary and she’s 20 your 45 and wouldn’t have a friendship why go to the effort of taking and hiding her number In your phone id you knew the reaction you would get

2 - why are you looking at random female profiles on Facebook all with a common theme - they are in sexy dressed or bikinis

He has told me I’m wrong I’m paranoid it’s all me and refused to talk to me this morning and won’t acknowledge what he’s done or see it from my point of view

quite telling to me I did send her a WhatsApp as he had her under a random name and simply said ‘ hi who is this xx ‘ she read it and hasn’t replied . My profile shows my name and our son so I think she would know who I am.

im sick to the very back teeth of being with someone who when I confront them I’m shouted at then like today he’s gone no communication with me like I don’t exist including not responding to a text his son sent him about a school event in the morning

honesty us important to me he knows this yet once again he’s lied to my face

You do sound controlling to be honest. Policing his whatsapp and facebook use isn't indicative of a healthy relationship. The fact that he has gone to such lengths to hide this colleagues number could just be because he knows that you'd make a big fuss. But it's not an unreasonable thing to have a colleagues number on your phone. It doesn't sound like you trust him at all - only you can decide whether it's worth continuing the relationship on that basis.

A 45-year-old man has nothing serious in common with a 20-year-old girl, don't be ridiculous.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true tbh. You meet all different types of people at work and you realise that you have a lot in common with some people regardless of age. Do I think a 45 year old needs to have his colleagues number who is 20 years old? Not necessarily. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them being friends at work just because of their ages

Anyway OP I agree with the first comment that said YABU as you clearly don’t trust him. That’s very true. Why are you going in circles expecting him to change when he’s made it clear that you’re the crazy one and he isn’t doing anything wrong? I’ve been in a similar situation and despite having two children, I’m the one that left

Time to get rid I think

This is so well put 🤗

As op has said if it was for a chiropractor they work together and clearly “if” something was not going on he could have gave it there and than. The fact he has her name saved under a fake name has red flags all over it.

Has he been to a chiropractor recently??Surely a 20 year old can google chiropractors for herself ? Not the point but …

men who check out / like / chat to women on social media are practice cheating / dipping their toes in there is no two ways about it

if this 20 year old dropped to her knees in the store cupboard and offered him a blow job how confident are you he would refuse ?

if these women doing porn on Facebook offered to meet and wank him off for a tenner in his car down a dark alley how confident would you be he'd say “god no ! I am happily married thanks” and then come home and tell you everything that transpired totally honestly ?

if you don’t have this very basic confidence in your partner then your relationship is over

What could you possibly have in common.

Flirty banter probably…

@AmberHiker, he’s been stashing this 20 year old under another name, and is now throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you to make you STFU and back off — anger, defensiveness, shouting, blame shifting, name calling, silent treatment, etc. He didn’t expect his sly subterfuge to be rumbled, and is going all out to make you responsible for his devious, illicit behavior. He’s highly manipulative. Do not tolerate the shit sandwiches he is serving you.

My guess is that he and the young cashier have a flirtation going on and he is hugely flattered. His lying, secrecy, and OTT reactions show that he is definitely up to something. This behavior goes hand in hand with his ‘seedy internet usage’ that you’ve described. What a creep.

@AmberHiker, this contemptuous lying sleaze doesn’t respect or cherish you, and he is a very poor role model for your son. You are beating a dead horse. In your shoes, I would be visiting a solicitor and making an exit plan.