Hiding her number under a different name

[AmberHiker]

I’m going to try to keep this short. Husband is 45 works alongside a 20 year old 3/4 nights a week in a busy food place. In our relationship we set boundaries and he knows mine.

I noticed a message on the Apple Watch linked to his phone under a name I haven’t seen before . It was wrote to make me think this was a common Turkish name but I decided to WhatsApp check to see if it’s on there and up pops the profile photo of a young woman.

when he comes home I ask who this person is and he tells me a Turkish friend wanting to know a good chiropractor hence the message ) it was about that ) and I say really? It’s only when I say I ran the number through WhatsApp he says it’s the girl from work. He said I saved it under a fake name as I knew you would go mad . He has previous for seedy internet usage liking porn photos on public profiles alongside this visiting women’s profiles sometimes on Facebook. I thought it was all done with

I explained you knew my boundaries and you know the issues we have so why would you add her and hide who it is simply to be able to recommded a chiropractor? I couldn’t see any previous messages due to issues between the watch and his phone. Couldn’t you have just told her when she’s next to you at work!

of course I’m controlling I’m paranoid I want him to be a ‘ vegetable ‘ in terms of social media usage as I raised the fact last week he was back visiting random female profiles combined with this … I asked him two logical questions of which he responded don’t know too

1- if you knew it was crossing a boundary and she’s 20 your 45 and wouldn’t have a friendship why go to the effort of taking and hiding her number In your phone id you knew the reaction you would get

2 - why are you looking at random female profiles on Facebook all with a common theme - they are in sexy dressed or bikinis

He has told me I’m wrong I’m paranoid it’s all me and refused to talk to me this morning and won’t acknowledge what he’s done or see it from my point of view

quite telling to me I did send her a WhatsApp as he had her under a random name and simply said ‘ hi who is this xx ‘ she read it and hasn’t replied . My profile shows my name and our son so I think she would know who I am.

im sick to the very back teeth of being with someone who when I confront them I’m shouted at then like today he’s gone no communication with me like I don’t exist including not responding to a text his son sent him about a school event in the morning

honesty us important to me he knows this yet once again he’s lied to my face

I say YABU as you clearly don't trust him, so why stay. Also, messaging the other women is a bit tapped, I wouldn't reply either if I was her, innocent or otherwise.

Also shitty of you to put that he didn't reply to a message "his" son sent him. It's both your son, your already using phrases that imply you'll be using your child as a weapon in a split.

When I sent the whattsapp I didn’t know who it was ! I would never use my son as a weapon he’s the reason I’ve held on so long

You clearly don't trust him, but I suspect there's a back story "liking pornographic photos in a public forum" is an odd way of saying things and surely he wouldn't be so stupid to leave his name on porn pics?

Plus why can't he be friends with a female in her 20s I have friends of the opposite sex from 25 to 94! He works with her so it's not unreasonable he has her number, I've got all my colleagues numbers male and female.

She asked a perfectly innocent question. Why do you suspect the worst.

He's hidden her number because he knows you snoop and would go mad because he's got a female friend

Honestly, just leave the fuckwit. There are so many red flags here it's ridiculous.

1. He's lying to you
2. He's using the classic manipulation tactic of massively exaggerating your reaction ("you'll go mad") and requests (making "please don't check out other women on Instagram" mean "has to be a vegetable") to make himself out as a victim
3. He's calling you controlling and paranoid (yet weirdly not ending the relationship with you - wouldn't you end a relationship with someone you genuinely felt was controlling and paranoid?)
4. He's stonewalling you - the silent treatment is a form of abuse
5. He shouts at you - also a form of abuse
6. He's a 45-year-old man forging a friendship with a 20-year-old girl. This is gross under any circumstances

It's not a healthy relationship.

Plus why can't he be friends with a female in her 20s I have friends of the opposite sex from 25 to 94! He works with her so it's not unreasonable he has her number, I've got all my colleagues numbers male and female.

A 45-year-old man has nothing serious in common with a 20-year-old girl, don't be ridiculous.

And frankly it's weird to have ALL your colleagues' numbers unless you work in a very small company. I have the contacts of my close team members, and nobody else. And I wouldn't be angling to form an outside-of-work relationship with even female colleagues half my age as it's unprofessional.

Sorry op but I agree with the others. I’m not one to say ltb but at this point there’s no trust in the relationship and it seems unlikely to come back.

Not only is he sulking but ignoring your son is ridiculous and unforgivable in my opinion.

Of course he wouldn’t set up a fake name just to recommend a chiropractor - there’s clearly more to it than that. But he’s already ignoring your boundaries around women online and gaslighting you about it. Doesn’t sound like he’ll change so your options are accept this behaviour or leave.

Sorry your saying I can't have a friendship with someone younger...note you don't mention the fact I have a friendship with someone much older.

Here's what I have in common with the young lady. Known her since she was a child, friends with her family, like the same sport, I know her boyfriend very well. She will sit with me in the pub and have a natter...no I really don't want to play hide the sausage with her.

Yes it's a small company...as is the food place the op husband works in clearly...thinking restaurant or take away

Sorry your saying I can't have a friendship with someone younger...note you don't mention the fact I have a friendship with someone much older.

No I didn't, because if you are in your 40s then there is a material difference in the maturity level of a 20-year-old and a 60-year-old. It's concerning you don't grasp this.

Also the daughter of a long-time family friend is a totally different relationship and circumstance to a middle-aged man deciding to strike up a new "friendship" with a stranger.

Stop comparing apples and oranges, it's really not helpful or relevant to the OP's situation.

How do you know who's profiles he's looking at? My DH wouldn't know what I look at and vice versa because we don't each others things. You really sent a what's app to someone who you didn't know who it was after they simply asked for a recommendation for treatment? I'd be fuming about that if my DH done that to me, it's embarrassing if there's nothing going on between them other than colleagues.

Put it this way, my eldest son is 20 I am 42 ... I would feel very odd and almost perverted messaging someone my sons age, regardless of whether I work with them or not! Its really inappropriate

All of the above.

Sneaky, is she the only dubious contact? I think if you are having to check his phone it's probably time to say goodbye. You don't trust him and it sounds like you have good reason.

If I received a WhatsApp message from a colleagues wife I would be very curious and have to message them back. I wonder why she never responded and asked how you got her number.Very odd to have her name changed if its just innocent he sounds sleazy.

He is grim

Don't assume the girl is guilty of anything.. I might casually message my work colleagues but wouldn't respond to a text from their spouse clearly indicating drama ahead

You know what, of COURSE you should go mad. He’s hiding shit from you becaus he HAS things to hide. What a gaslighting lying shit of a man.

I don’t believe the message about him recommending a chiropractor is the entire context of their chat and I cannot for the life of me understand why as a 45 year old man he has to share numbers with a part time girl who’s just turned 20. ‘ we work together she’s a colleague’ they aren’t Exactkey in the job roles of having to talk about meetings facts or figures she works on the till.

I just think if you were willing to cross a boundary which you knew would upset me and go to effort to hide and store it under a fake name then lie when asked who it is for a girl you have worked with for 8 months over a 11 year marriage what else are you willing to do. It is creepy with the age gap. What possibly could you have in common. The aftermath the silence the not even saying yes I’ve lied there is nothing . I’ve told him you don’t respect me I’ve explained what it feels like when your lies too how I value honesty and how important it is to trust your partner .

when he came home and I brought this up alongside the facebooo thing he just shouts stop stop stop . No I can’t stop. Am I supposed to just sit there and say okay no problem

But you do know there's lots of reasons why it would be normal for them to have taken each others number right? I had the number of an 18 year old lad at work when I was 40, because the day I was running for the food pick up he needed to let me know about something he wanted whilst I was already there. I currently have a 20 year old girls number from work as I was telling her about something we had done and she was desperate for me to send her the pics and asked me to send them on what's app.

There are innocent reasons.

I'm not saying his definitely is innocent, but you don't know this.

Is his reaction innocent?

If there was no reason for drama he could have calmly explained it to his wife. Instead he shouted and made accusations. That’s the information she needs.

His reaction could definitely be innocent if he is living with someone controlling who is watching every single aspect of what he does. But we obviously dont know what their situation is as we are only hearing one side of it. I'd never be in a relationship where I felt like I had to hide who someone's number was as I knew my other half would go mad, Id also never be in a relationship with someone who hides numbers because they are either lying and cheating, or the relationship isn't healthy for whatever other reason.

lol, literally every time I’ve known someone to hide numbers in real life it’s because they have been having an affair.

Almost no relationship exists where someone “needs” to hide numbers unless there is an extreme imbalance of power against the “hider”, which isn’t evident here.

Like you say, most people would not stay in a relationship where they had to hide numbers unless they absolutely had to. Not the case here.

A boundary is something you put in place for yourself, it doesn’t control someone else’s behaviour.

if your ‘boundary’ is that he only has male friends his own age- that is NOT a boundary. That is an expectation. People either meet your expectations or they don’t, your response is your boundary.

The boundary for yourself would be, I will walk away from someone who does not meet my expectations.

when you frame it this way the onus is on yourself to make a change, not him. This will go someway to feeling like you have power over how you are treated by your partner and that your are in control of your happiness.

The op is controlling, what he is up to or not does not change it

None of it sounds healthy but I don't understand if you hate him so much what would it matter who he was talking too?