5yo doesn't want milk at bedtime...

[Interl0per]

I (35F, no children) look after my 5yo niece once a week. I collect her from school (I bring a snack as she always thinks she's hungry but only eats a couple of bites; parents also offer a snack when they collect her), we chill out at mine for 1/2 an hour, I take her to gym class and then back to mine.

Her parents (brother and SiL) join us when they finish work. I cook dinner for all of us (usually a big pot meal like pasta or curry and veg). At the end of the meal, I like a piece of fruit, sometimes with yoghurt. Occasionally (maybe once every 6 weeks) there's something more exciting left over from Sunday guests.

Recently, brother has been asking me not to have/offer any fruit, because "niece won't drink her milk at bedtime." A couple of weeks ago niece overheard this and said "I want fruit not milk," but was told no.

Last week, she saw the fruit bowl on the side and said "please can I have fruit not milk?" And was told no. Since then, she's asking for fruit after dinner at home every night, and refusing her milk at bedtime. Brother and SiL are mad at me because it's become a battle of wills every day getting her to have her milk.

I don't have kids. I certainly didn't intend to cause any problems. Does niece need milk at bedtime at this age? Have I inadvertently done something wrong? If I have, any tips on how to correct it?

YABU - niece needs milk and you caused a problem

YANBU - it's OK to offer fruit instead

I ideally wouldn’t want my kids to have fruit at bedtime because brushing your teeth straight after fruit is probably very bad for them. But we still offer fruit after dinner as there’s usually at least 30 mins before brushing. But my kids gave up milk at bedtime around 2 years maybe. Sometimes if they’re still hungry after dinner we’ll offer a bowl of porridge

even tho they’re the parents and it’s their rules. You also get to be fun auntie and make your own rules whilst you’re on duty. Depending on how your relationship is with your brother and SIL

I have lots of friends whose kids do stuff at a similar age that they’ve done since infancy/toddlerhood and the parents sort of forget that they should have grown out of it by now / haven’t challenged to see if it’s not needed. For example, friends of mine still have a baby monitor for their five year old (no issues with the size or layout of the house, no special needs etc). She also still carries her comforter EVERYWHERE and still has a white noise machine at night. She’s nearly 6. These things aren’t actively harmful but they become so ingrained in your routine you fear removing them or simply forget to bother.

I bet the bedtime milk is the same for your brother and SIL.

Plus, I bet my 5yo would still manage a glass of milk at bedtime if she’d had some fruit?!

Such a weird thing for them to get hung up about.

Humans are naturally lactose intolerant at approx 5 years or over, it's not particularly good for us to drink quantities of milk aside from infancy.

Absurd to give a grown five year old bedtime milkies!

I could understand if she was asking for chocolate instead of milk.. but fruit?! They sound nuts! My 2 year old doesn’t really have milk before bed anymore and he used to absolutely love it every single night. It’s not a big deal.

Your brother is incredibly unreasonable getting angry at you for taking care of their daughter and offering her fruit FFS.

Ungrateful shits.

It's not like it's crack. It's their job to parent their child in their care. Children make demands. They need to deal with it.

Milk at bedtime at 5 is batshit.

DS is five he likes milk at bedtime, it's warm it's comforting, he has a cup with a story before we brush his teeth, he also has fruit after dinner if he wants it. If he doesn't want milk (like tonight because it was too warm) that's fine too. At five I don't think they're too old to have milk , I also don't think they need milk unless there is a nutritional issue (sounds like she eats well so this is unlikely). It's a bit odd for them to be so rigid about it but she's their child I guess.

For gods sake just give the poor child the fruit, tell bil it's your house and if they want free childcare she gets what she's given at yours.
She's too old for bedtime milk anyway.

No way, she doesn't need bedtime milk. If she needs a drink she should have a cup of water on her bedside table.

I also think serving sloppy leftovers of pudding every 6 weeks is stingy too. How about make a pudding especially for her?!

My 2yo doesn't have milk at bedtime. They're being weird.

At five, she doesn't need milk and often a few children start to not tolerate it.

However, you really shouldn't give children fruit near bedtime even if they brush their teeth afterwards, according to dentists. Fruit may be good for most of our bodies but not for our teeth.

I think it’s unfair that you are being so good fo your niece and her mum and dad are making issue of such a minor thing !!!

She doesn't need milk. No one 'needs' it after they have been weaned really.

I can't believe that she's so full from eating a piece of fruit that she can't drink her bedtime milk! She just doesn't want the milk, which is fine - a 5 year old doesn't need milk at bedtime. Your brother & SIL can just offer water instead. Incidentally, I think they've got a cheek getting arsey with you about it when you're offering free childcare and cooking them all a meal!

They may have their reasons, though I can’t (as the mother of a five year old who would look at me askance if I offered him milk at bed time for sure) see what those reasons might be. But it is absolutely not your fault that this problem, whatever it is, exists, and you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. You sound like an absolute godsend, actually. YANBU at all.

They are a pair of cheeky fuckers for being mad at you!

You provide them with childcare, take their kid to gym class and then feed them all, and they are telling you not to eat fruit in your own house?
Tell them to do one!

Your niece is obviously not full from a piece of fruit, she just doesn't want the milk.

Thanks all, you've reassured me :-)
We generally have a good relationship; I enjoy seeing niece once a week, they help me with big projects that are tougher on your own etc. I just wasn't expecting this issue to cause such friction!
Now that I don't think I did something obviously wrong, I'm beginning to suspect that she's grouchy at bedtime, people are sleeping badly (this weather anyone?!) and for some reason they've landed on "the milk is the issue."
I'll work out how to talk to them about it.

maybe they are struggling to get enough protein and calcium and vitamins into her, and don't want her to have another sugary snack like fruit instead?

They should be dying with gratitude for the help you offer, not to mention having dinner cooked for them all once a week, some people are just nuts - and rude. Would they want to drink milk at bedtime? Ugh.

The parents are being daft because most kids grow out of bedtime milk quite young. Then you have to find other methods of getting some calcium into them!

Breakfast is a good time (with cereal or in porridge), or school milk at break time. We usually have a fish pie or macaroni cheese or a carbonara made with milk once a week. Cheese on toast for lunch at the weekend. And then there’s always yoghurt for dessert. Or even one of those chewy calcium kids supplements.

You sound v sensible and they are being weird. PFB problem I think.

Brother and SiL are mad at me because it's become a battle of wills every day getting her to have her milk

shes 5 she doesn't need milk.

ask them why they're mad at you for having a fruit bowl in your own kitchen?

Shes 5, she's at school. Theyre going to need to learn she has her own likes/dislikes etc and she's not a baby. Wanting fruit, not milk isn't something worth fighting over. It's not like she wants hating instead!! Even if she did the answer, is no, no Haribo NOT you must drink milk.

Do not be apologetic, you're not in the wrong in any way! Poor kid sounds like she's going to need someone 'in her corner' growing up.

They sound bonkers. Bedtime milk is supposed to stop at 12 months because they need to brush their teeth afterwards. Of course lots of kids still like it in the evening but then it’s just a drink, not ‘bedtime milk’. My 7YO drinks it with dinner, my 3YO doesn’t really like it but will have it on cereal for breakfast. A small piece of fruit isn’t going to have much baring on her appetite, and is also part of a healthy diet so no idea why they’d be discouraging that. Also talk about rude and ungrateful when you’re providing childcare then cooking them all dinner once a week.

What a fabulous way to develop a problematic relationship with food.

My 5yo breastfeeds at night but this is so odd.

She doesn't need milk at that age and why would they discourage fruit?

So bizarre and ridiculous but I'm not sure what you can do about it.

Are you looking after her as a favour to them or because you want to?

Milk aside, our dentist said its not great to give fruit close to bedtime as it's acidic and brushing teeth within an hour causes damage.