Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to forgive DH (not affair)

40 replies

Whitesky75 · 26/06/2024 21:20

He was a massive mammas boy and MIL was a narcissist. Result = the first decade of our marriage was shit. He was super nasty to me, constantly chose MIL/SIL over me. Bought them gifts and presents while giving me nothing. Leaving all the housework and life admin to me while claiming to “work on career” - but did nothing.
I was (am) financially independent, still chose to stay for several stupid reasons.
mil died and I cut contacts with SIL. Since MIL died, my husband is a different person, He helps with household chores, much more nicer and patient. He isn’t a loving husband, but a half decent partner. A lot better than before.

Should I leave him ? I don’t know if I should rock the boat for the kids. He is amazing with the kids.
i just feel used, abused, humiliated (to please in-laws) and left to be lonely. I’m 43.

OP posts:
MissingKitty · 26/06/2024 21:22

If you stayed then, and now his behaviour and the situation is different, why do you want to leave? Have you discussed this with him?

MissingKitty · 26/06/2024 21:23

And will life be better if you leave? Is 50/50 custody what you want?

Calamitousness · 26/06/2024 21:23

Well sounds like you should have left him long ago. How do you feel about him now? Does he make you laugh, do you enjoy time with him? Is he your best friend? Do you love him/fancy him?

if it’s no to any of the above seriously think about moving on. The kids will cope.

Dotto · 26/06/2024 21:24

If he is not a loving husband then divorce if you are not happy. You do not have to justify your decision.

BadBarry · 26/06/2024 21:35

Sometimes us humans do this - we live through a period of time and look back with hindsight and find that with years of wisdom we'd have never have put up with it again.
You seem to have reached this point, maybe therapy just for you might help you to work through how you feel and what you want to do next?

KreedKafer · 26/06/2024 21:40

He isn’t a loving husband

Leave him.

Your bar is ridiculously low. He was an absolute shit to you for ten years and you now want to forgive him for that because he does a bit of housework now and again? Do you even like him? I’d loathe him.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 26/06/2024 21:41

You can forgive him and still divorce him if you're not happy.

Divorcing him doesn't have to be because you're punishing him. You could meet someone better for you. Find actual love and companionship.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Original poster
Whitesky75 · 27/06/2024 07:02

I feel terrible putting kids through with the stress and heartbreak of a broken home. He is fabulous with them and We don’t argue or fight. It’s a peaceful home. So, kids are not affected by the current situation. It’s just that I cannot see past what he did to me. He robbed me of happiness, made me work like a slave and broke my heart over and over again to keep his mom/sis happy.

OP posts:
oblada · 27/06/2024 07:06

You need to consider therapy to understand why you allowed it to happen rather than focusing on why he did it.
But ultimately as pp said forgiveness doesn't mean you should stay. If he is not a loving husband then why stay?

Poolstream · 27/06/2024 07:09

Your home is already broken.
It’s not being a good parent to treat the mother of your dc badly.

FakingItEasy · 27/06/2024 07:11

Have you ever had the conversation with him about how he treated you and made you feel? If not, that might be a starting point.

If he genuinely feels remorse and is trying to make amends, it's easier to forgive. However if he sees that he did nothing wrong, then you have a starting point to go from.

Secondstart1001 · 27/06/2024 07:14

He can still be amazing with the kids after you divorce him, Please don’t condemn yourself to a loveless and lonely life!
Also you ask if you should forgive him? Has he realised his behaviour has been terrible and shown remorse and asked for forgiveness? If the answer is no, that’s also another reason to leave this man! You are only 43… I am 46 and after I got divorced found my dp and we have been very happy for 4 years. He doesn’t live with me yet but when he stays over helps with chores so I can rest more as I work ft and have dc (50% shared care). I used to be a slave to my ExH and his demands plus his mum used to come and live with us for months in end and cause so much trouble!

Dinosweetpea · 27/06/2024 07:15

You've answered your own question "he isnt a loving husband". And the children ARE affected as they see how he treats you (and will model this behaviour in future relationships) which is far more damaging than a 'broken home'

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 27/06/2024 08:55

Narcissist or stupid and immature?
In my experience,iIt is not an uncommon dynamic for people to still act like children until they not longer have a parent.

Does he know how you feel? And the impact of how he treated you, or have you quietly bitten your tongue and put up with it? People can and do change as they get older, sometimes for the better. You don't say how long it is since your MIL died, so perhaps with time and counselling, he can learn to meet your needs.

On MN, people throw away relationships as if they were last season's fast fashion. Unless there is overt abuse, I would start with a cards on table conversation about how you are feeling.

dunkdemunder · 27/06/2024 14:11

How old are the dc ?

user1471538283 · 27/06/2024 14:14

I'd be angry as well. He's only ok now because he's got to hang onto you. It's horrible to feel second best.

Have you told him how you feel and how much making up to you he needs to do?

If you can't get past it and you do intend to leave you will need a job so you can save.

Original poster
Whitesky75 · 27/06/2024 18:27

user1471538283 · 27/06/2024 14:14

I'd be angry as well. He's only ok now because he's got to hang onto you. It's horrible to feel second best.

Have you told him how you feel and how much making up to you he needs to do?

If you can't get past it and you do intend to leave you will need a job so you can save.

Luckily, I have always been financially independent. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. He never made me feel secure enough to depend on him even with little kids. I was on maternity leave, there was an issue with paperwork, so my employer couldn’t pay me on time. I had £50 in my account. I was so stressed about affording formula and diapers. He didn’t give me anything. Perhaps I should have asked, but I was afraid of MIL I guess. He didn’t give me a penny, even after I told him I’m not getting my maternity pay for a while . He probably just assumed I had money? I don’t know. He usually assumes whatever suits him.
Those were the darkest days of my life. I still
have nightmares about it.

result: I can afford to keep our current lifestyle on my salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitesky75 · 27/06/2024 18:27

dunkdemunder · 27/06/2024 14:11

How old are the dc ?

9 and 16

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 27/06/2024 18:41

I'm thinking possibly peri menopause is making you rethink your life. You really need to think about what you want, relationship wise and if it can be achieved with him. Could you talk things out with him?

Refugenewbie · 27/06/2024 18:43

I think you should leave him. He's probably a covert narcissist from what you've said.

FictionalCharacter · 27/06/2024 18:44

Dinosweetpea · 27/06/2024 07:15

You've answered your own question "he isnt a loving husband". And the children ARE affected as they see how he treats you (and will model this behaviour in future relationships) which is far more damaging than a 'broken home'

I agree,
He isn’t a loving husband, but a half decent partner. Is this enough? Is half decent all you’re worth?

Refugenewbie · 27/06/2024 18:44

Whitesky75 · 27/06/2024 18:27

Luckily, I have always been financially independent. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. He never made me feel secure enough to depend on him even with little kids. I was on maternity leave, there was an issue with paperwork, so my employer couldn’t pay me on time. I had £50 in my account. I was so stressed about affording formula and diapers. He didn’t give me anything. Perhaps I should have asked, but I was afraid of MIL I guess. He didn’t give me a penny, even after I told him I’m not getting my maternity pay for a while . He probably just assumed I had money? I don’t know. He usually assumes whatever suits him.
Those were the darkest days of my life. I still
have nightmares about it.

result: I can afford to keep our current lifestyle on my salary.

Show quote history

Leave. No wonder you feel trapped looking ahead. This is going to make you ill.

Hatty65 · 27/06/2024 18:45

He isn’t a loving husband

Yes. Leave - this is a good enough reason, never mind the past shit he's put you though. Don't continue endlessly in a crappy marriage because you think it's your duty towards your kids. It's not.

user1471538283 · 27/06/2024 18:49

I'm sorry op but he's not half decent if he would let you struggle to provide basic necessities for both of your DC.

My ex was like that. He would see us go without as long as he had.

It's good you have your financial security so you have choices.

Takenoprisoner · 27/06/2024 18:51

I had £50 in my account. I was so stressed about affording formula and diapers. He didn’t give me anything. Perhaps I should have asked, but I was afraid of MIL I guess. He didn’t give me a penny, even after I told him I’m not getting my maternity pay for a while .

Does this sound like an amazing father?