How to forgive DH (not affair)

[Whitesky75]

He was a massive mammas boy and MIL was a narcissist. Result = the first decade of our marriage was shit. He was super nasty to me, constantly chose MIL/SIL over me. Bought them gifts and presents while giving me nothing. Leaving all the housework and life admin to me while claiming to “work on career” - but did nothing.
I was (am) financially independent, still chose to stay for several stupid reasons.
mil died and I cut contacts with SIL. Since MIL died, my husband is a different person, He helps with household chores, much more nicer and patient. He isn’t a loving husband, but a half decent partner. A lot better than before.

Should I leave him ? I don’t know if I should rock the boat for the kids. He is amazing with the kids.
i just feel used, abused, humiliated (to please in-laws) and left to be lonely. I’m 43.

Well, I do know that resentment can weigh a tonne, and you are (justifiably) carrying a HUGE load of resentment. I would be, too.

Personally, I'd end the marriage. You can afford to and no matter how hard you try to forgive, the resentment will still be there, peeking around every marital corner. And IMHO, he's not sorry for the way he treated you, it's just that now Mummy is gone he realizes that you are the 'new' Golden Goose. But the thing is, just how long with the 'new him' last? And is it worth hanging around to find that out? (Answer: no)

As far as the DC, you wouldn't be 'putting' them through anything. This is not the 1950s where divorce was rare and a scandal. Nowadays, chances are there are just as many kids in their school and circle of friends who have divorced parents than live in a two parent home. They'll survive. And they'll thrive because you will be thriving too. They are both old enough to understand that sometimes Mums and Dads must go their different ways, but that you and their dad will always love them and put them first. Do you feel your husband will make things difficult for you? That can be managed with the advice of a solicitor. In fact, before you do anything, see that solicitor and find out what divorce may mean to you.

Think over your options carefully. Choose the one that will give you the best and happiest life.

Having read your description of what he's put you through I personally couldn't stay - the trust isn't there.
He's surface nice, now. But when you needed him to have your back he didn't, so he's not a loyal life partner he's a few things, good dad, reasonable house mate (these days) but not someone you can rely on.
I personally couldn't have sex with someone so devoid if interest in my feelings for so many years and I think it would compound the trauma if I tried, in my role as his wife, to... Give him sex.
He's a fair weather friend, he betrayed you, he left you unsupported at a crucial time and either ignored or was oblivious to your needs in any way that mattered.
What about if you need him again when you're old.
What he did was not ok, at all, in any way. Him continuing to enjoy the privileges of being married to you are unearned and effectively translate to you accepting and condoning what he did. Which you don't. To do so would be to deny your own value as a human worthy of consideration and acts of love.

Personally, I'd leave him, build a constructive co-parenting situation and never look back on my relationship with him.

Does he still ‘assume whatever suits him’?

If so, leave.

I always think that as much as it’s important for kids not to see parents arguing, it’s important they see what a loving and supportive relationship is, so they don’t fall into a relationship like yours, believing that’s love.

I'm sorry for the heartache youve been through. It sounds like it’s been heartbreaking, but he has done you one favour - you can stand on your own two feet. Maybe he realises that now and that’s the reason for his change in behaviour.

Id suggest maybe some therapy, just for you to sort out your thoughts, and then make the right decision for you xxx

I think you should leave him because you dont want to be with him.
If you don't now, then when? You dont get another shot at life. It doesn't have to be shit.

I left last year. Looking back it's clear what a shit show my husband is. You have to be sure but you'll cope a lot better than you can ever imagine once you split.

Before you leave him, try counselling.

If he is willing, try couples counselling.

It will allow you to fully open up about that time, and it will allow him to face it in a safe space.

Depending on his reaction to it will tell you whether to stay or go.

I second this, absolutely. Especially this:

Do you feel your husband will make things difficult for you? That can be managed with the advice of a solicitor. In fact, before you do anything, see that solicitor and find out what divorce may mean to you.

Think over your options carefully. Choose the one that will give you the best and happiest life.

Quietly do your research/get your ducks in a row so you have a good view of future finances and co-parenting options. If you have a true friend who'll keep your confidences safe then lean on them a bit but only if you're 100% sure they won't share your confidences with anyone else.

The bit where you were down to your last £50 to buy essentials for yourself and your child and he gave you nothing - what sort of husband/father does that? 🌹

If you can afford to support yourself, then absolutely leave.
You don't have to stay if you're not happy, I certainly wouldn't be able to forgive him for past behaviours.
You're still young enough to find happiness with someone else (if that's what you want).

What country are you in?

I'm in the UK. Why do you ask?

Just as it may impact how easy it is to separate/divorce etc

Have you ever spoken to him about it? It sounds like No, but maybe you have done.

Have you laid all your cards in the table? Told him exactly how you feel and what you want? Without doing that, the chance of improvement is zero.

If you have done that, then therapy is essential to improve this marriage. I would only split if that didn’t work either. At least then you can honestly say to yourself and your children that you tried everything and then it’s all on him.

OP, he was scum and he is scum.
The only difference now is that he needs you more than you need him.
If he is a "great father" to his children then co parenting might be fine.
But good fathers do not treat the mother of their children badly so I wouldn't agree he is a good father.
You have given him enough years.

STOP trying to forgive him for being a horror for years.
He doesn't deserve it.
You deserve to live without the constant reminder that he is scum.
He hasn't changed, his circumstances have.

Get organised a d make your plans so you are ready to go.
He will cry and beg and no doubt his real character will emerge when he realises you will not give in.

He was too awful, and you have stayed too long.
Time to be free of this horror.
The children will be fine.