No one likes me

[user1246896]

I’m feeling very low. I just feel that no one really likes me. Had an event at my kids school today and they’re already in their little groups and I’ve really tried but I can’t seem to fit in. I smile and politely make chit chat but I feel upset after every event and second guess myself. I feel maybe I try to be too nice and friendly and maybe I should stop trying. I had a neglectful and dysfunctional childhood which may be playing a part in my feelings about myself. I just feel lonely and fed up and overwhelmed.

This is a horrible feeling, and for what it's worth, school playgrounds can be some of the cliquiest places to exist! People stick to their little groups. Does your child have friends and do you have anything in common with any of their friends' parents? If your child is still lower primary, could you invite a parent to have a cup of tea at the end of a play?

Other than that, if you have any time after work and kids, is there a hobby you could take up where you might meet people? There at least you know you have something in common with them.

I think feelings of being disliked can often be irrational. I don't know if telling yourself this helps?

@Unkeel thank you. I just feel very vulnerable after each meeting! I don’t want to feel like this. Is it msybe a good idea to avoid them till I feel better?

I feel similar OP. My child is y4 and we have sports day coming up and most parents will be in their friend groups setting up camp with their travel chairs and picnic blankets/hampers etc and I have no one. Last year we had a picnic blanket and after the sports DC arrived with several friends in tow who sat with us for lunch. I really felt like Billy-no-mates as the only adult with a group of kids around me, whereas everyone else were adult friend groups with their DC. I left as soon as I could. I even left the PTA after a year as they made me feel so unwelcome. I’m friendly, chat to quite a few parents, not a cow or get involved in playground politics etc.

People on MN like to tell you that they drop and run at school, are not interested in making friends etc, but actually I think they are a minority and most parents are fairly sociable and have a couple of friends at least through the school. I can only suggest put on a smile, be friendly, and if that doesn’t help concentrate on making friends in other places.

I'm no counsellor but I wouldn't actively try and avoid them, but try and change your response to them if you see what I mean? Sometimes it's just pure laziness and if people have their friends, they just can't be bothered to go to the effort of including new people. It's not personal - though it certainly feels it from the receiving end!

There will probably be some people you'll get on with there, but it might take a bit of time. The other thing with primary is that it can be quite fluid and nothing stays the same.

Another bit of advice I read once is "no-one is worrying about you; they are too busy worrying about themselves". I think there's truth in this too if you're feeling self conscious.

School mum dynamics can be horrible. Horrible!

I know I shouldn’t take it personally but I just feel so left out, does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?

OP, not being able to click with this group is not your fault. they are simply not your tribe and you simply hav bad luck that these are the other mums at your kid's school.

If you read through this forum you'll find so many threads of women who have the exact same problem with other school mums. It's not just you who is experiencing this.

I'm coming to the end of my kids' school days but in the beginning I could have written what you wrote word for word. I still look back and wonder why and, stupidly, it still hurts.

As my DC grew older I developed the skill of seeming as though I didn't care, keeping at a distance from other mums and enjoying seeing my kids happy.

I get it though OP. As a mum you do not expect to be brought back down to playground level, mean girl"friendship" issues. I certainly had left my own school days behind me but being in those situations took me back. For some they never grow out of that mentality; I think those that have wanted to move away from it can struggle with the realisation that nothing changes.

My heart goes out to you. It does get easier but somehow my shell has got thicker even though it still hurts. Enjoy your lovely little one and hold your head high, no one should make you second guess yourself school mum life can be shit.

Oh, and, nest of vipers and all that- there are some truly warm people on this site who can lift you when you need it 😊

I would focus less on who likes or who doesn’t like you, and more on who, of the people at any gathering, that you like. You are the most important person in your world. Your opinion of other people matters far more than theirs of you. You’re not auditioning for a bit part in someone else’s drama, you’re at the centre of your own.

Thank you so much everyone. I just feel like a failure.

Well, that’s what you will be projecting, OP. If someone appears to think no one’s going to want to talk to them, that they’re uninteresting etc, why would someone who barely knows them think otherwise? — people by and large accept you at your own opinion of yourself. What do you like and admire about yourself, OP? What do you bring to potential friendships?

I’m not unsympathetic, OP, because certain places just don’t work for some people, which is why it’s important to make friends in different parts of your life. I had seven miserable years in a village where none of my type of people were, but made friends easily via work in the nearest city.

@AlliumLake good point. But how do I change this? It’s like a vicious circle. I feel good but then I have these meet-ups which then make me feel bad about myself. I don’t go in negatively. I actually go in a good mood but I get negative AFTER each time I feel it’s been a horrible day.

Sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think the majority of people try to purposely exclude others, but I think you're probably right about how events/occurrences where you feel excluded trigger those horrible feelings your felt as a child.

It would be nice if people tried to include people and look out for each other more though - I moved around a lot as a child and know the feeling of having no friends many times over, so I always go up to people who are by themselves. Don't let this get you down OP, and hope you meet some friendly people soon!

Is there a Facebook or WhatsApp group for parents in your child’s year? On our small town mums’ fb group there are often posts from people saying they don’t have many mum friends and would love to get to know more people, who’s up for meeting for coffee etc. and there are always plenty of positive responses saying they too would like to make more friends.
If you’re prepared to be a bit vulnerable, you could post something like “I’d love to make more friends to chat to in the playground as I don’t feel like I’ve really got to know people yet. Anyone else?” or something of that sort that suits your writing style. I think you’d probably be pleasantly surprised at the responses. You may even get “come and chat with our group” type of thing, people are often more friendly than we initially take them for.

Not sure what year group your child is in but I feel things do get easier after year 2 and 3. Kids develop hobbies and smaller groups of friends and it's easier to talk to, and get to know a smaller group of mums, especially when the kids have something in common. The cliques are horrid though. Just smile and wave and be approachable so you don't isolate yourself and don't worry if you aren't part of the after drop off coffee. They probably all bitch about each other after anyway which makes you feel even more insecure. And I bet there are other mums who feel exactly the same at your school. We are the other side of primary and in one sense I feel a bit sad that there is no one I can truly say is a friend but also glad that I had a cordial relationship with everyone.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. We moved to a new city and I was so desperate to make friends with the parents because I was so lonely. However, it never really worked out. The others all made friends so effortlessly but I was always an outsider.
I don't know if this is true for you but for me it's because I'm quiet and shy. I find with the school run you see parents for a few minutes a day (and the occasional party) and it's not enough time for people to get to know you properly, if you're a reserved person. The outgoing chatty mums get noticed and everyone warms to them.
My children are now at secondary school. I eventually did make friends with two of the mums who were also quiet, shy and overlooked - but it took many years!
Just forget about trying to make friends with everyone. It's too much pressure. Seek out the mums who are always standing alone. They'd probably love to have a chat.

Slap em with halibut...#

(Note: Assault with moistened aquatic animals is an offence in English Law. Do NOT assault people with sea, lake or river living creatures)

Something I learned at my daughter's first school, a LOT of the parents of the kids in my.kids class already knew eachother. Went to school together. Hung out at the same pubs together. Lived near each other. Went to the same gym etc.
I wasn't 'fitting in' at the school gates because I didn't exist anywhere away from the school gates.
Make friends away from the gates.. slap the gate mums with a halibut#

Agree totally with “Seek out the mums who are always standing alone. They'd probably love to have a chat.” They are likely to be feeling the same way as you.

I'm sorry, this is an awful feeling. I feel this from time to time, too. I think we all must do.
One of the best ways I have found to get to know other school parents was involving my kids in team sports. I once created a casual soccer team, messaged some ppl, and next thing you know we are seeing each other every week and have something in common to talk about.

What worked for me was 1) keep reminding myself to think about whether I liked the other person before allowing myself to worry about whether they liked me. 2) got myself involved in various groups, voluntary and hobby, where I took on a job which meant people had to talk to me. I really to my surprise the other day that I a) no longer expect everyone to be looking at me critically and avoiding me and b) I'm quite happy meeting new people and talking to them.

I agree 2) may be possible at your life stage but look for what opportunities there are. When my children were pre-school, I attended an evening class (in the good old days when there was an abundance of evening class) and when it finished, I asked if anyone wanted to join a follow-up group, and it all started from there.

On the other hand, I have never made a friend amongst my children's friends' mothers

I wouldn't say they are cliques. It's more you make friends with people you relate to, or have kids in the same class. I talk to everyone..but naturally gravitate to 2 mums and often stand and chat with them. Because we relate to each other well.

You just haven't found the people you connect with yet.

You need to feel good about something from elsewhere (whether that’s friends from another context, achievements, small pleasures, work, whatever brings pleasure to your day), and bring that feeling with you to the school gathering. And there’s absolutely no need to turn yourself inside out being terribly polite and smiley — just be yourself, whatever that looks like to you.

It's not easy, but there is usually other quieter people who stand alone. Look out for them and start chatting. You will find your tribe as they say. Doesn't come naturally to me either and have put two kids through primary and have one great friend to show for it which is good enough for me.

Just came on to say that I understand completely how you feel. It's not you.
Don't let it determine who you are because of it.

I use to have a group of mums I could talk to before I moved to a new area and I felt awkward until a mum started talking to me and we are friends years later .

Have you tried talking to them at all, or maybe another mum who's by herself?

OP, don't feel like a failure, you sound lovely. The little mumsy-cliques are probably no more than some mums live in the same road.

If your child is happy, that is a success in itself.

I think you're overthinking it. School gate friendships really aren't that important. If one of them gels, then great, but otherwise offer to volunteer once a term, and then stop worrying about it. Concentrate on your friends elsewhere.