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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Logistics of living with a partner

33 replies

dancemom · 26/06/2024 08:49

Moved in with my partner last month. DC is now an adult (just) and has moved in with a friend in the city, I live 40 minutes away in the country.

DP has a mid teen daughter who stays twice a week. All good there and everyone gets on well so far.

2 weeks ago my DC came to stay, same night as DPs DC stays regularly. Again all good, we got a takeaway and everything was great.

My DC is coming again to stay this weekend at my request, again same night as DPs DC due to logistics of my DCs job. My DC has asked if they and I can go for lunch together just us before meeting up with partner and their DC to go to a shopping centre as already arranged. Fine with me, always nice to have 1 on 1 time with my DC.

DP has objected, states I've already spent plenty time with my DC this past week (which is true, we went to an event together and I stayed overnight with DC) and we should spend time as a 4, it's not very thoughtful to him and his DC and how will he explain to his DC that they just aren't invited.

My opinion is while I have spent plenty time with my DC this week that we should be able to do things separately, it's important he still has 1 on 1 time with his DC and due to my DCs job this night is the only night they can ever stay and if I avoid 1 on 1 things because his DC is there then I'll never get to do them.

Additional information, DP has been awesome, really stepped up and helped me this week when I had a lot on, looked after things at home so I could do all lot this week and has been great overall. Other information is that myself and my DC are exceptionally close, I miss them a lot and we would always have a breakfast or a lunch or something this particular weekend of the month (payday) as a long standing tradition.

So AIBU to think it's okay to go to lunch with just my DC and meet back up with DP and his DC after for other activities?

OP posts:
Imustgoforarun · 26/06/2024 08:51

You are not being unreasonable.

JLT24 · 26/06/2024 08:52

Put your foot down and go otherwise it’s a slippery slope to being told what to do and when. Make sure those boundaries are in place now. Honestly it’s a major red flag to me, he has no right to tell you when you can see your own child and to force you to spend time with his child, you are being reasonable by offering to meet up as a 4 after 1-2-1 time with your child.

skippy67 · 26/06/2024 08:53

Your DP sounds problematic.
Already.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2024 08:58

Massive red flags from your partner, and if I were you I would be reevaluating living together already. This does not bode well at all. You spending one on one time with your child should not be up for debate or questioning by him.

DeliciousApples · 26/06/2024 09:12

I'd be asking if your partner had wanted to do a surprise something like taking you to lunch 'as a family' all four of you and was your plan to meet your child first spoiling that nice surprise or something?

As if not, you need time with your child.

Is it because he expected you and he would travel into town together and now you need to go earlier he will be sat along somewhere waiting or something?

What is the actual problem?! If it's your relationship with your child he needs to butt out. However it may well be something else he's not told you, like logistics.

If it's a lunch one, an option would be to meet your child for coffee and then all meet up for lunch. Giving you time alone and time as a blended family.

You have the rest of your life with this man. He needs to chill. Of you need to consider your options as he can't be dictating your life.

He needs one on one time with his child too.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2024 09:15

Additional information, DP has been awesome, really stepped up and helped me this week when I had a lot on, looked after things at home so I could do all lot this week and has been great overall.

I'm curious as to what you mean by this. He "stepped up?" You make it sound like he deserves an award for doing basic adulting.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/06/2024 09:16

I would be telling him to move out after thinking he had any say on how much I saw my own DC.

Get him out, how fucking dare he.

ExpectationsRunningHigh · 26/06/2024 09:17

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2024 08:58

Massive red flags from your partner, and if I were you I would be reevaluating living together already. This does not bode well at all. You spending one on one time with your child should not be up for debate or questioning by him.

All of this.

keylimedog · 26/06/2024 09:22

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2024 08:58

Massive red flags from your partner, and if I were you I would be reevaluating living together already. This does not bode well at all. You spending one on one time with your child should not be up for debate or questioning by him.

100% this

It's a really concerning way of thinking from your partner.

FTPM1980 · 26/06/2024 09:22

Tricky
If you hadn't seen your DC 1-1 this week already I would be well behind you as a) 1-1 time is important now and then and b) they may really want to talk to you about something.

But you have already spent time together this week...40 minutes is not that far. I travel that to work and back...I don't think it's a tricky as you imply to see your DC...although I appreciate its new and they have just left home. I am assuming if there was something urgent discuss that would have happened when you stayed over earlier in the week, or they would have just phoned.

I also see the POV that it's quite rude excluding them. You now live together, it would ve nice to do things together...which you are doing...but by then saying actually I don't want you here for this bit, it might seem like you or your DC really doesn't like them and I think it is a bit rude.

I mean what us DP going to do? Go for lunch somewhere else at sane time?

If your DC says they have a good reason/something to discuss in private I think it's fair to ask DP if they mind....if not it seems rude.

Notacrab · 26/06/2024 09:52

Nope, you are not being unreasonable. This is hardly a 'blended family' with one daughter being an adult who doesn't live there. DP needs to be happy to let things progress naturallyas they will. If he's starting to control your time with your daughter already it's something you should be concerned about.

NoSnowdrop · 26/06/2024 09:58

DP has objected, states I've already spent plenty time with my DC this past week (which is true, we went to an event together and I stayed overnight with DC) and we should spend time as a 4, it's not very thoughtful to him and his DC and how will he explain to his DC that they just aren't invited.

the day you start “objecting” to him seeing his DC let’s hear how he likes it.

just no. Please don’t put up with this. It sounds like you’ve already convinced yourself you’ve spent enough time this week already because you stayed overnight! So what!

your partner sounds controlling and jealous.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2024 10:07

Does he need help parenting his child? Is he jealous of your relationship with yours? How did he manage before he moved in with you?

You don’t owe him your time because he was helpful. He’s not your dad or employer. You’re each spending time with your children then meeting up. He’s being ridiculous, don’t entertain it. And keep an eye out for other similar behaviour.

Kelly51 · 26/06/2024 10:27

really stepped up and helped me this week when I had a lot on, looked after things at home so I could do all lot this week
how much did the poor man have to do? two adults living in a home cannot suffice copious amounts of things needing done??

Skyrainlight · 26/06/2024 10:49

Not unreasonable. MAJOR red flag that he is dictating whether or not you are allowed quality time with your children.

Ratisshortforratthew · 26/06/2024 10:54

FTPM1980 · 26/06/2024 09:22

Tricky
If you hadn't seen your DC 1-1 this week already I would be well behind you as a) 1-1 time is important now and then and b) they may really want to talk to you about something.

But you have already spent time together this week...40 minutes is not that far. I travel that to work and back...I don't think it's a tricky as you imply to see your DC...although I appreciate its new and they have just left home. I am assuming if there was something urgent discuss that would have happened when you stayed over earlier in the week, or they would have just phoned.

I also see the POV that it's quite rude excluding them. You now live together, it would ve nice to do things together...which you are doing...but by then saying actually I don't want you here for this bit, it might seem like you or your DC really doesn't like them and I think it is a bit rude.

I mean what us DP going to do? Go for lunch somewhere else at sane time?

If your DC says they have a good reason/something to discuss in private I think it's fair to ask DP if they mind....if not it seems rude.

totally disagree! When you live with someone it’s totally fine (and necessary) to do things apart to maintain other relationships outside of your romantic one. DP and I are explicit when the other is not invited, in fact if he’s seeing his friends or family I assume I’m not invited! Living together doesn’t mean you morph into one conjoined being. YANBU OP, your partner is.

Berga · 26/06/2024 10:59

I wouldn't stand for this for a second. It's controlling and strange. He doesn't get to dictate how much time you spend with your adult children. Stand your ground on this one. He can always take his DC out for lunch himself.

GabriellaMontez · 26/06/2024 11:01

Ynbu.

I wouldn't concede an inch on this. Make it very clear that this isn't negotiable.

He can tell his dc whatever he wants. Suggest the truth.

Your plans are very reasonable.

Dweetfidilove · 26/06/2024 11:10

I’m beginning to think I’m not fit for relationships because he’d get no more from me than an eye roll and kmt.

You are not a blended family trying to integrate children etc, so there’s no consideration needed in that regard.

He can entertain his child while you have lunch with yours, then come together afterwards.

BabyFedUp445 · 26/06/2024 11:10

YANBU. At all.

BaronessBomburst · 26/06/2024 11:16

Does his DC even want to spend time with your older DC? Has he got some daft notion that you should all be doing things together all the time?

Foxblue · 26/06/2024 11:16

Your child is an adult - as an adult child of separated parents I find it a bit weird that a man who has no stepparent role in your child's life would be insisting on 'family time' - does he need it explaining to him that unless it happens naturally, it's a bit weird to try and force some kind of family unit when the children involved are this age? It's just not necessary. Be polite and kind to each other, yes, and if a relationship develops naturally, great - but it's not something to be engineering... your child is an adult who has moved out, this isn't really a blended family situation.

bluebeck · 26/06/2024 11:19

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Normallynumb · 26/06/2024 11:31

YANBU at all
It's a red flag when he complains about you spending time with your own DC
He should be happy that you're happy
Watch out for more signs( and keep a plan b up your sleeve just in case)

ByCupidStunt · 26/06/2024 11:33

Kids come first
Then partner
Then job

Women who can't afford to run a household by themselves have to share their houses with arsehole men. And the men know it.