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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let Sen ds miss sports day

31 replies

EsmeeMerlin · 26/06/2024 07:28

Hi I have a 6 year old son who is autistic and has global development delay. He is currently in mainstream school with a 1-1 but we are in the process of trying to get him in a autism base unit because he is not making any progress in mainstream and it's not the right setting for him. The last couple of weeks we have had an increase in incidents where he has become frustrated and overwhelmed. He finds the weather too much, there is a lot going on at school this time of year and he is aware things will soon be changing.

Sports day is next Tuesday and neither myself or his dad can attend due to work. It's two year bands with 5 classes in each year band, on a field for 2 hours with parents and a pe teacher with a microphone who likes to use sports day as an audition for a presenting job.

The school's plan is to see how ds will go and if necessary his 1-1 will take him off on his own. Ds is still likely to be disregulated from the change in routine and the other children's excitement.

So my aibu-would I be unreasonable for ds to have the day off school and spend the day with his auntie instead. My sister has offered to have him for the day and he will get a one on one day bonding with his aunt. She has plans to take him to the park or a little soft play near her that will be nice and quiet for him.

I work in a school myself so I am well aware of the whole attendance matters speech but I just can't bear ds having another day struggling in school from the sake of a sports day!

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 26/06/2024 07:30

YANBU - it’s just sports day, my children love it but if they didn’t, I’d do the same. Hope he has a nice day with his auntie.

RonObvious · 26/06/2024 07:30

My SEN son hasn't been to sports day in a couple of years (he's now 10). It's tough enough to get him to go to school as it is, so am not worried about him missing out on throwing bean bags across a field.

SummerSnowstorm · 26/06/2024 07:32

Definitely keep him off. It's likely that a bad day during sports day would lead to more dysregulation the following few days as an impact from getting so distressed too. There's no benefit to him whereas having some bonding time with his aunt is a positive.

Universalsnail · 26/06/2024 07:32

Not unreasonable. I would let any of my children ND or NT miss sports day if they didn't want to do it.

Does he want to do sports day though? That would be the deciding factor for me.

Koolsgang · 26/06/2024 07:36

I wish we’d kept autistic DD off sports day when she was still in mainstream as it was an utter disaster & the school didn’t make any adjustments. She was so dysregulated, shouting & screaming & that was with me there! I wouldn’t hesitate to keep him off.

EsmeeMerlin · 26/06/2024 07:37

Universalsnail · 26/06/2024 07:32

Not unreasonable. I would let any of my children ND or NT miss sports day if they didn't want to do it.

Does he want to do sports day though? That would be the deciding factor for me.

No he is adamant he wants no part in sports day. He does not engage in the pe lessons either.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 26/06/2024 07:38

Both mine bog standard NT - sports day is optional in this house.

Potentialmadcatlady · 26/06/2024 07:41

I gave my ds a choice every year. He always chose not to attend until he was a teen then he maybe went twice but no more. The heat was too much for him too.
Honestly School will probo be relieved and use his 1:1 for other jobs ( I know my ds school did)

Coatsoff42 · 26/06/2024 07:41

No, sports day is supposed to be fun and if he’s upset he won’t enjoy it, it will be stressful for his teacher and 1:1 and everyone there will feel sorry for him being so unhappy. There’s no benefit to anybody!

Invisablepanic · 26/06/2024 07:42

In this situation I wouldn't even think about it, let him have a lovely day with his auntie. He won't get anything out of the day other than stress. Let him know now he doesn't have to do it so he's not worrying.

TheaBrandt · 26/06/2024 07:44

It’s supposed to be fun! It’s too public if you are shit at athletics. For some kids it’s the stuff of nightmares. Dd1 and I would have a book day and read our books in the garden studiously ignoring the yells and shouts from the school across the road!

Piffle11 · 26/06/2024 08:16

Ah keep him off, and don’t think twice about it.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 26/06/2024 08:20

My DD is NT and I've always let her stay off. She detests it.

ToffeePennie · 26/06/2024 08:28

My SEN son got so badly bullied over sports day in reception he has NEVER once participated in sports day. He always goes to school, but they find him a job to do like collecting the equipment or putting it out or giving out the stickers
This year I may not make him go.

GruntledGoblin · 26/06/2024 08:29

Not unreasonable at all. Have a lovely day together.

GallifreyGirl · 26/06/2024 08:33

My son is not SEN or ND he never went in for sports day. He’s now 16 and not attending a single sports day has not affected him. Some kids ND or not just genuinely hate sports day and I think that’s ok. Personally I think the school should offer other activities on sports day. By secondary school my friend who is teacher admits attendance is lower on sports day.

Whatafustercluck · 26/06/2024 08:37

My 7yo got as far as the classroom door and then went into panic mode and would not move. She'd been complaining of tummy ache so I knew it was anxiety based. Tbh I'd expected it, so had made plans to be with her, as I know that with a little patience, support and understanding she does actually enjoy some of it (and can be quite competitive) and would have regretted not taking part.

I told her I wasn't going to force her to do anything and that we'd just sit in the sunshine, have a cuddle and watch/ cheer her team on. I said that if she decided she wanted to give something a go then that was fine. School were totally supportive of this approach. Her relief was immense, all the weight dropped from her shoulders. She ended up deciding to join in with a parachute game and did the final running race. She had fun and was so proud of herself that she was able to say she'd been brave and participated in her final infants school sports day (regret is often a big part of her psychology, hence the approach I took).

Our ehcp focuses on building her resilience while giving her a safety net. As her mum, I know her best and knew this approach would work. School supported me. Listen to your child, listen to your gut. If you believe that pulling your child out altogether is the right course of action, then absolutely do it.

Our next challenge is the school leavers production. She's so excited on the one hand, but we know she'll spin into dysregulation so will need a back up plan.

Workoutinthepark · 26/06/2024 08:37

I've worked in fitness and with athletes all my life, and I can't tell you how global the 'sports day and PE made me bloody hate sport' message is 😄. Keep your boy off, sports day is a misery for many and I can't see the experience doing anything other than making him hate sport' and feel unsporty.

TheaBrandt · 26/06/2024 08:42

Both my sports day avoiding now late teens dds are fit and sporty - they just prefer dance / gym / hockey to sprinting in front of a baying crowd.

Workoutinthepark · 26/06/2024 08:51

GallifreyGirl · 26/06/2024 08:33

My son is not SEN or ND he never went in for sports day. He’s now 16 and not attending a single sports day has not affected him. Some kids ND or not just genuinely hate sports day and I think that’s ok. Personally I think the school should offer other activities on sports day. By secondary school my friend who is teacher admits attendance is lower on sports day.

100% they should. So many of our kids are natural coaches and trainers, empathetic, able to get the best out of others, or good refs or whatever, why not develop those skills and offer kids that fitness/trainee coach type option too?

Spendonsend · 26/06/2024 08:59

keep him off.
They haven't actually made an effort to make it an inclusive sports day for him anyway. A plan for a 1 to 1 to take him somewhere quiet is nice but it's not inclusion at its finest.

BookArt · 26/06/2024 09:24

I went to my son's first sports day yesterday and I left overwhelmed, a bit ratty, knackered and done. So I can not imagine how a 6 year old with autism would feel. The Change of routine, overload of the senses, and as you say the moment they take him away because it is too much for him... Well it's too late. It shouldn't get to the point of it being too much for him. I think you know your kid and that he won't cope with sports day so aunty and nephew day sounds amazing. I wouldn't blame you at all. And I am a teacher so often say get on with it and it is part of school life. But not in specific cases.

Darkfire · 26/06/2024 09:26

My NT children hated sports day so they used to have the day off. My youngest has SEN and also misses it as it causes so much stress.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/06/2024 09:27

YANBU - a day with his aunt is an excellent alternative.

SocoBateVira · 26/06/2024 09:28

Workoutinthepark · 26/06/2024 08:37

I've worked in fitness and with athletes all my life, and I can't tell you how global the 'sports day and PE made me bloody hate sport' message is 😄. Keep your boy off, sports day is a misery for many and I can't see the experience doing anything other than making him hate sport' and feel unsporty.

Great point.