All-day festival disappointment

[Doglover321]

Hi everyone. My dad has very kindly purchased tickets for me, him, his friend, and a friend of my choosing to attend an expensive all-day music festival.

My parents separated before I was born and have never, ever done anything together as a family unit due to tension which is still present (including his current partner not liking my mum, etc.). However, my mum is really upset because she’d like the 4th ticket. I have been trying to tell her politely that it would be weird and awkward and that I would rather invite a friend, but she’s not taking no for an answer and is really upset and disappointed because my friend has said yes to the 4th ticket. AIBU? Surely it should be up to me who I invite/parents should accept it won’t always be them who are chosen? Let me know your thoughts because I know a lot of you are mum’s yourselves! 😁

She's just thinking of herself, my MIL wanted my partner to ask his Dad (her ex-husband) if she could have the holiday caravan that he'd bought with his new wife for a week. Couldn't understand why my partner refused to do it!

I am 27 and they were only together for a few months before my mum fell pregnant with me. Dad has been with current partner since I was 9, so 18 years now if I’ve done the maths correctly! They have 3 children of their own together: 19, 17, and 9.

This is definitely a case of stick to your boundaries. Even if she tries all the usual tricks (getting upset, getting angry, threats, trying to guilt you - all manipulation).

Just say, no, it's been decided and I'm not discussing it again.

She is a weirdo. Why on earth should she expect to go with you?

She’s not going to listen. She’s decided she wants it and it’s unfair not to have it and anyone denying her clearly doesn’t even love her and will be sorry when she’s dead…

Have you read up on FOG? Fear Obligation and Guilt? Worth a look if this isn’t unusual from her. You’ll be surprised how much she controls your outlook and attitudes still.

Sadly you have to be the parent in this situation and employ a kind, patient loop response of ‘what a shame, you’re really disappointed. I can see how disappointed you are. We’ll have to do something nice another time.’

Do not say sorry. Do not engage with what if, how about, or if and but….

Change the subject- look, a shiny thing, we could go and look at that new restaurant..
Be vague and hard to get hold of- sorry I couldn’t answer earlier, work is mayhem at the moment, have you seen that new neighbour yet…

Distract, deflect, vague, repetitive.

That doesn't seem too bad...but depends on the relationship. And if relationship that good she could ask him herself.

She’s now also acting jealous and being mean about the friend I am taking! She could easily arrange to go independently of us. She has the funds to. She’d just need to ask around and see if anyone’s free to join her if she didn’t feel comfortable going alone? I guess time is running out though, it’s next Saturday

She didn’t even know this festival existed until I told her I’d been treated to a ticket. Had to explain what it was

She's being nuts!!

She’s nuts. Honestly it’s totally unreasonable for her to expect to have the fourth ticket. Even if it wasn’t your dad taking you!

I agree. At 27, I should be allowed to invite a friend/she should accept that she won’t be invited to absolutely everything. It is only one ticket that I’ve been gifted for a friend, and I have lots to choose from!

See, acting jealous - manipulation.

My counsellor called them "tricks". She'll try everything, just ignore her.

I just know she’s gonna be awful on the day….

No she's not
She isn't going to be there

No, but manipulative and hostile before I set off, etc. :(

If she wants to go to the festival, why doesn’t she get tickets and go with her own friend?

Stay with your friend or your dad
She is the one in the wrong, don't engage

TBF she doesn’t really have many friends. The only friend she does have is an old friend from secondary school who lives over 2 hours drive away, but think they’ve fallen out

She does have some colleagues she is more pally with than others, but she’s their boss

I can imagine what my dad would have said if I bought my mum along on the ticket he’d paid for. It would not go well for me.
your mum is a brat and you should absolutely not feel bad for her. Stick to your guns and take a friend or you’ll have a miserable day.

My mum doesn’t want to speak to her because this lady did a Race for Life and didn’t put on her donation page that she was doing the Race for Life for my mum who had breast cancer over a year ago. My mum wanted a special mention basically

Exactly, I’d feel really awkward/it would look like I’m bringing her to spite him or something! Thank you x

Your DM clearly has issues bigger than this.
Stick to your guns, don’t let her manipulate you.

I'm guessing that you still live with your mum, OP. This may not be about her trying to see the bands, which would be bad enough, but about her being enmeshed on your life and believing she is entitled to be part of whatever you do.

Be firm on the day (can you stay with your friend the night before?), plan something nice to do with your mum another time, and work on getting much clearer boundaries in place. She needs to be more independent for her own sake asich as yours . . . .

Yep, still live with her, but did move out for Uni and then after that was living with a partner for almost 3 years