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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I get her to back off?

50 replies

MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:34

I got in touch with an old friend recently as I was feeling very low. I met her last week. Problem is she wants to keep meeting up! I work part time but my days off are so full with going gym, housework, admin and getting things sorted for my kids. I was very vulnerable with her when we met and told her I’m lonely etc. I was feeling like this but to be honest I like being on my own. When I meet up with people it kind of disrupts my day and my mood a d I feel a little manic as I have to rush around finishing stuff off before kids get home then I’m short tempered with them. I feel so much calmer when I don’t meet up with people. Like today I’m meeting another friend so I’m feeling overwhelmed as I’m trying to get everything done. But it’s okay with this friend as we meet very occasionally but the old friend I got in touch with has called me everyday and is already planning to see me on my next day off! I haven’t told her today is my day off. She thinks I only have one day off a week.

i feel so annoyed being so open with her. I think she thinks I have no friends and a life. How can I gently ask her to stop bothering me constantly? Also how can I say gently I don’t want to meet her on my next day off?

I also told her about a childhood traumatic experience and she keeps bringing it up. I really wish I didn’t open up to her. I want friends I see sometimes not friends I feel obliged to meet up when I don’t feel like it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:39

Am I being weird for wanting space?

OP posts:
FuzzyStripes · 25/06/2024 09:39

Just reply and say you can’t meet up because you are busy. You need to either be honest that you don’t really want to see her again or very often, or just ensure you are busy when she suggests meeting up (which it sounds like you already are anyway).

Idontjetwashthefucker · 25/06/2024 09:41

You got back in touch with her when you wanted something (to offload) and now she's of no use to you? That's how it seems to me

Original poster
MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:42

I feel guilty when I say I’m busy. She wa ted to meet on the weekend too but it’s the only time I see DH. I told her this but she was like “can’t you get away for an hour”? And “it will be so nice to see you”.

I feel like turning my phone off but I use it to listen to music during weekends and my reminders also getting around with Google maps if we going somewhere I haven’t driven to before. I like having my weekend just as my family. I do regret getting in touch with her. I feel I can’t relax and I feel guilty not meeting her.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2024 09:44

Friendship is a two way thing. You sound like you only want their friendship when it suits you and on your terms. That’s selfish and being a user.

YouMustBeHappyNow · 25/06/2024 09:44

Tell her you've got a really busy few weeks coming up, can you arrange to meet next month.

Original poster
MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:45

@Idontjetwashthefucker seriously? You think it’s that black and white?! Gosh I probably spoke to her about my problems for 20-30 minutes. Rest of the time was her chatting to me about her issues and rest of the time was fine chit chat. I didn’t meet up to offload. I thought would be nice to see an old friend. She’s messaged me a while ago to meet up.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2024 09:45

Just say ‘weekends are family time but I can squeeze in a coffee on Tuesday night?’ At least offer her something.

Ponoka7 · 25/06/2024 09:46

"Like today I’m meeting another friend so I’m feeling overwhelmed as I’m trying to get everything done"

Can't you occasionally lower your standards, plan ahead etc? Friends are massively beneficial for good mental health, your children won't be little for long and it's difficult to build a life, later on. It sounds as though you are letting your anxiety take over and you are becoming insular because of it. It's better to have a life outside of work and the house.

AlliumLake · 25/06/2024 09:46

Didn’t you post something very similar to this recently? About feeling lonely but not wanting to see friends either?

I think you need to take responsibility for your part in this dynamic with the friend. You told her you were lonely. You told her about a traumatic childhood experience. She clearly thinks she’s responding to your needs, which you expressed to her. Tell her what you’ve said on here that you get very easily overwhelmed with levels of social contact most people would find minimal, and that despite only working PT, it takes you a long time to get through housework and going to the gym etc, and that even seeing someone for a quick coffee on a non-working day overwhelms you and makes you irritable.

And in future, don’t tell people things if you then don’t like the fact that they take what you say seriously, and try to respond to it.

bigageap · 25/06/2024 09:48

You sound like a user tbh!

OnceICaughtACold · 25/06/2024 09:48

You got in touch with her because you needed support. You told her you’re lonely. Now you want her to leave you alone?!

You’ve given her totally mixed messages. You need to think carefully about how to handle this, otherwise you’re about to lose the support you were looking for.

AlliumLake · 25/06/2024 09:50

MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:42

I feel guilty when I say I’m busy. She wa ted to meet on the weekend too but it’s the only time I see DH. I told her this but she was like “can’t you get away for an hour”? And “it will be so nice to see you”.

I feel like turning my phone off but I use it to listen to music during weekends and my reminders also getting around with Google maps if we going somewhere I haven’t driven to before. I like having my weekend just as my family. I do regret getting in touch with her. I feel I can’t relax and I feel guilty not meeting her.

You do also seem to operate mentally on a real knife edge of anxiety and stress on pretty minimal stressors. Are you like this about everything, where a quick coffee puts you into a tailspin because it’s disrupted your routine, or the idea of refusing an invitation makes you this upset, or is it just this particular situation?

Original poster
MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:51

I was isolating my self as I feel overwhelmed with life. She messaged me lots of times in past few months so I got back in touch with her to arrange a meet up. I still feel overwhelmed and getting in touch with her has made me feel worse. It’s difficult to explain. I’m not a user.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/06/2024 09:52

AlliumLake · 25/06/2024 09:46

Didn’t you post something very similar to this recently? About feeling lonely but not wanting to see friends either?

I think you need to take responsibility for your part in this dynamic with the friend. You told her you were lonely. You told her about a traumatic childhood experience. She clearly thinks she’s responding to your needs, which you expressed to her. Tell her what you’ve said on here that you get very easily overwhelmed with levels of social contact most people would find minimal, and that despite only working PT, it takes you a long time to get through housework and going to the gym etc, and that even seeing someone for a quick coffee on a non-working day overwhelms you and makes you irritable.

And in future, don’t tell people things if you then don’t like the fact that they take what you say seriously, and try to respond to it.

I think you've put very eloquently what I would have said.

bossybloss · 25/06/2024 09:53

So…. Basically you told her you are lonely, she reaches out to you to help, you then reject her!

Blimey!

Original poster
MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:54

I don’t think any of you understand d what it’s like living with anxiety. I’ll post on the MH board and you’re just making me feel worse. I won’t check any more messages.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 25/06/2024 09:54

Idontjetwashthefucker · 25/06/2024 09:41

You got back in touch with her when you wanted something (to offload) and now she's of no use to you? That's how it seems to me

Me too. You told her you were lonely and she’s reacting accordingly. She thinks she is being a friend to you.

CurlewKate · 25/06/2024 09:58

Blimey. You arranged to meet her. Offloaded. And now you want to dump her. Right.

Tel12 · 25/06/2024 10:02

Look in your calendar and make arrangements to meet up on the 4th August or something. That way you can put it to bed. It sounds like she's trying to be supportive, but you are obviously not in need of her. At the moment at least.

Shiningout · 25/06/2024 10:03

I understand people saying she shouldn't have met up and offloaded and now doesn't want to know, but also I do think the friend is being quite intense, calling every day and constantly asking to meet up i don't think many people do that and tbh most people would feel a bit suffocated. It's also a case of this friend not getting the hint, if I called someone and weren't getting enthusiasm to meet up etc I wouldn't keep ringing every day and putting pressure on.

FranticFrankie · 25/06/2024 10:04

Crikey! A bit of a pile-on
Poor you OP; anxiety can be so debilitating and stops you thinking logically sometimes. Have you shared this with your friend? That sometimes it makes you feel very overwhelmed? It sounds like she’s the sort of friend that will understand- and so if you delay or cancel a meet up, she’ll get it.
Good luck
(anxiety can get straight in the bin)

GentlemanJay · 25/06/2024 10:06

Sounds like you want friends for your convenience. When you need a crutch. If I was the friend and noticed your pattern, I'd think twice about being your yo-yo.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 25/06/2024 10:06

MumOf3Monkeysq · 25/06/2024 09:54

I don’t think any of you understand d what it’s like living with anxiety. I’ll post on the MH board and you’re just making me feel worse. I won’t check any more messages.

Op I do understand anxiety.

But you need to learn how to manage it more.

This person has tried to be a friend and you seemingly, only responded at a low point. You didn’t intend it, but you basically used her to vent to. When you felt you needed it, now expect her to pretend it didn’t happen because she just have just known you don’t normally feel like that and are too busy for her now you are felling better.

She is now trying to be a good friend and you are annoyed at her. Really, you should be annoyed at yourself. You need to learn how to manage these low moments without using other people then just expecting them to ignore what was said a few days later because you feel better.

You are expecting your friend to act according to your feelings as they are happening. Your friend doesn’t feel your feelings as they happen. Your shared your feelings and they responded and continuing to respond accordingly.

Cherry8809 · 25/06/2024 10:08

Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2024 09:44

Friendship is a two way thing. You sound like you only want their friendship when it suits you and on your terms. That’s selfish and being a user.

This.

You pick her back up when it suits you, then drop her when you’re feeling better.

You actually suck as a friend.