How can I get her to back off?

[MumOf3Monkeysq]

I got in touch with an old friend recently as I was feeling very low. I met her last week. Problem is she wants to keep meeting up! I work part time but my days off are so full with going gym, housework, admin and getting things sorted for my kids. I was very vulnerable with her when we met and told her I’m lonely etc. I was feeling like this but to be honest I like being on my own. When I meet up with people it kind of disrupts my day and my mood a d I feel a little manic as I have to rush around finishing stuff off before kids get home then I’m short tempered with them. I feel so much calmer when I don’t meet up with people. Like today I’m meeting another friend so I’m feeling overwhelmed as I’m trying to get everything done. But it’s okay with this friend as we meet very occasionally but the old friend I got in touch with has called me everyday and is already planning to see me on my next day off! I haven’t told her today is my day off. She thinks I only have one day off a week.

i feel so annoyed being so open with her. I think she thinks I have no friends and a life. How can I gently ask her to stop bothering me constantly? Also how can I say gently I don’t want to meet her on my next day off?

I also told her about a childhood traumatic experience and she keeps bringing it up. I really wish I didn’t open up to her. I want friends I see sometimes not friends I feel obliged to meet up when I don’t feel like it!

You've told her you were lonely, what other response were you expecting?? She is trying to be a friend, you need to let her know that you've given her the wrong information and you're not lonely, you like your own space. She ain't a mind reader.

Perfectly put.

Your friend heard that you were lonely and she’s doing what we are all advised to do - keep asking, keep inviting, even when someone seems withdrawn and not socialising.

I also thought this too

But you haven’t said anywhere that you suffer from anxiety. Posters on here are doing exactly what your friend is doing — accepting what you tell us about yourself and acting accordingly. You are now getting cross, completely unreasonably, with posters on here and your friend, for acting according to what you told both parties about yourself, and for not somehow psychically grasping what you didn’t say.

I have had anxiety rather badly in the past. I had to learn to manage it, and gauge what type and how much social interaction was good for me.

What anxiety doesn’t do is exempt you from the normal requirements of human communication and relationships, basic ‘rules’ such as ‘No one will know what you don’t tell them’ and ‘People will act on what you tell them, eg, if you say you’re lonely, they’ll suggest meetings/activities’.

You have behaved pretty badly and while I do understand that living with anxiety is tough it does't mean you can behave however you want and then expect everyone to be ok with it.
You contacted this woman out of the blue, unloaded on her and told her you were lonely and now she is trying to help you she's too much?
You have been very unfair and even if its not deliberate you have used her. People aren't things to be picked up and put down at will

Sounds like you have sharer’s remorse. She is being kind. Just be honest with her and stop wasting her time.

Tbf the friend got back in touch first and not just once so I can understand how the op decided to respond. So it hasn't worked out and that's OK but she is owed an explanation. She sounds intense but talk to her and find out if she is OK with the occasional meet up. The op also does need to address her anxiety as it seems to be ruling her life

It sounds like potential social anxiety, not just general anxiety. Ie, you think you want social contact and then when you get it, it tends to build and build this pressure inside of you and it all becomes too much and you just can’t deal. It becomes panic-inducing and suffocating. Yet there can still be loneliness. It’s really quite terrible to deal with and I don’t think people who aren’t sufferers can understand what a torment it can be.

Actually no, the OP got in touch first otherwise there'd be some very different responses

From the OP I got in touch with an old friend recently as I was feeling very low. I met her last week

I don't think you are a user, I do think you are being a bit OTT about the anxiety. You don't have to state you want distance, just respond less, say you can't meet on repeat.

One of the best things I EVER did was turn off read receipts on all apps. That way no one knows you've read a message, so you feel less pressure to reply.

I thing is that if you know you are the kind of person who can only have friendships that operate entirely on your own terms you should probably avoid encouraging friendships until you have worked on yourself enough to be able to see it as a two-way street. It's entirely unfair of you to send such mixed messages and then put all the blame on the other person, making it sound like she's suffocating. She can't know that you only want to see her very occasionally and most people don't want to have friends who can only see them if they have absolutely nothing else to do, including house work and general admin. Most people prioritise human relationships over doing the washing. Friendships take work just as any relationship does and right now you only want ot focus on yourself, your husband and it's not fair for you to string her along and give her crumbs.

Just say I can't do today as i am going to the gym or whatever you're actually doing and then suggest a date in two weeks time. Just be honest.

You’ve just done the same here op.

You have asked for advice but run away when it’s given.

You didn’t mention anxiety but even if you had it’s not a get out clause! Be honest with your friend, tell her that you are overwhelmed and need space. It sounds like you need to work out what your support needs are and how you can implement boundaries.

FWIW OP, and I know you have said you won’t check any more messages, but I do not think you are a ‘user’ - that’s really school playground thinking in my opinion.

It’s normal to reach out to people for support sometimes and I’m sure if your friend was having a hard time, you’d be happy to meet up and be supportive. I also note that you’re not saying that you never want to see her, just that it’s a bit much. Which is fine!

I think you’re being a little harsh by saying she is ‘bothering’ you because she is trying to help you out. But she also doesn’t seem to be able to take no for an answer. When she asks to meet up and you don’t want to or can’t, don’t give a reason because this makes people try and work around your ‘reason’ - just say “no, I can’t do that day but would you be free on such and such a date?”

If you don’t want her to keep bringing up things you have told her, and I totally understand why, this is something you need to communicate. Again, short and to the point. “I appreciate your concern but I don’t really want to dwell on it right now” and then change the subject

I think you'll find d that a very large percentage of people on Mumsnet DO know what it's like to suffer from anxiety.

It's actually exhausting reading how nasty most of you are on this forum. The op clearly is struggling. You don't need a doctorate to see that they have severe anxiety and that anxiety is affecting their social behaviour.

Op, I think be honest with your friend about how you are feeling. It will be awkward but it will hopefully help you. On a different note are you getting help with your anxiety. I can see you are suffering and think counselling might help. Please ignore the nasty comments here. It's bored people who love furiously typing on their keyboards who haven't a shred of kindness in them.

The majority of posters on this thread have called her names, made her out to be a user. Someone said she sucks. If this is what people think is the appropriate way to respond to someone with in her case severe anxiety, then she is right, people here don't get it.

I know right, some of these responses are abhorrent, truly. I’m actually shocked, and I’ve been on this site for over 15yrs.

Ok OP I was well ready to tell you off for trauma dumping on this friend then running away, but I too suffer from anxiety and know I'm guilty of doing the same when at my worst.

Try and think of it from her perspective, you reached out to her, told her you were lonely and then offloaded some childhood trauma on her. If she's any kind of decent human she's worried.

She's reaching out and planning things with you out of good intentions, not to bombard or overload. I know it can feel overwhelming but she really is just doing what a good friend does, it's your anxiety that's making it stressful and suffocating (and she might be pushing a little harder than would be usual out of concern for your wellbeing)

You've been honest with her once, try and do it again. Explain that you're so grateful for her looking out for you but you're feeling overwhelmed and would like to take baby steps, maybe see eachother once a fortnight (or whatever you're comfortable with).

She may decide it's asking too much for her and that's ok, or she may be happy to (temporarily) maneuver the friendship around your current troubles. Contrary to the Mumsnet view that any relationship that isn't 50/50 all the time should be immediately culled, it is actually ok to lean on your friends from time to time, and she sounds like she genuinely has your best interests at heart.

(I'd also maybe ask to get this thread moved to the mental health board, AIBU is notoriously vicious and I don't think you're in the headspace to deal with the people here)

I don't think it's as simple as 'you used her', as some posters are suggesting.

However, it does sound like you are currently in the kind of emotional state which means it's extremely difficult for other people to do the right thing.

You met with her because you felt lonely and isolated, and you discussed a traumatic situation, but now you just want to be alone again and don't want to talk about it. That's your prerogative, of course! It's OK for feelings to change about things. But what you do need to understand is that other people can't be expected to automatically understand that you are so up and down emotionally unless you tell them clearly and politely what the situation is.

It is exhausting to be in a state of constant panic and to be overwhelmed so easily (and I think you need some serious help with your mental health) so I sympathise with you. But - and I mean this gently - you do need to be aware that it is also quite exhausting for people around you to be walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering your anxieties. People can't really always do the right thing for you when what you consider to be the 'right' thing changes all the time, and when doing the wrong thing sends you into a tailspin of panic.

My advice would be to arrange to meet her, not this week, but a day in the next week and say that you reached out to her at a time that you really needed someone and she was there for you which means the world to you. However, your situation has changed in the intervening time and while you were very grateful, you can't commit to meeting her as regularly as she may want. You hope that if she ever needed you at a low time for her, that she would feel able to contact you and you could be there for her.

Would something like that work do you think?

She messaged me lots of times in past few months so I got back in touch with her to arrange a meet up.

I took this as the friend getting in touch 1st

That’s my impression too.

Wow! Some really horrible responses. To clarify - she contacted me many many times and I thought it might do me good to meet her. That’s why I got back in touch with her; She’s very very clingy, even before I felt low I always sensed this about her and she knows herself she can be clingy.

IF she ever contacted me and said she was upset I would drop everything and meet her. I am not a user. In fact I feel she used me to get away from her life and focus on me as her special project. I can’t explain it about her as looking from the outside you would think she’s a lovely person whose “trying to help” but there’s a fine line of making someone your special project and bombading them with constant messages and phone calls and demands to meet versus just being a kind person and checking in.

she is not the first person I have met up with when feeling low or the first person I shared my childhood with. Problem is I’m being made to feel I must meet up with her even though I just want to be alone. I feel suffocated. I met with a friend today and it wasn’t like that. Had it been her I would have had 2 messages already about how lovely it was to meet and we must meet again!

Only word I can use to describe is overbearing. That doesn’t make someone a user.

I agree with you OP and totally understand where you’re coming from. It sounds like you need to gradually step back from her unless you feel like you can have an honest conversation with her about it.
I’ve had this before, had a friend checking in with me. I’ve told them I am going through a tough time, they ask if we can meet so I did. They ended up quizzing me all about what was going on, giving very direct opinions on my situation which I didn’t ask for and then actually had a hissy fit at me when I didn’t take their advice. I won’t be seeing that friend again. Some people love to make others their ‘project’ rather than just being there for someone to vent and being supportive.
The kicker is when they then themselves accuse you of using them when it was them prying and being overbearing that ended up making you open up. It’s very calculated.