He hates spending time with us

[Risingsun93]

I can't believe I'm even saying this but my partner literally hates spending time with my daughter and I, together or separately.
We've been together 5 years and have a 3yo, for the most part everything is good and he is otherwise kind and supportive. However for as long as I can remember, at least until the honeymoon phase fizzled, it has been extremely hard getting my partner to enjoy quality time together. Before daughter was born I'd ask him for his time and he'd complain and say he spends all day every day with me. For context we both work from home, we met while studying a masters and have always worked well together in studying and now in our office. But I work part time and still study a PhD while taking on most of the childcare duties so Im seldom in the office and if I have I don't have time to talk, not that he tries either He says being in the same house is us spending time together, and it's enough for him to sit next to each other while watching TV. We never talk, just passing ships, but to him that's enough. Over the years iv explained that id like an hour a night to hang out, like play games, chat, joke around, connect. While he says thats too much hassle, hes tired and if i want to do something i need to out it in the calander so i started doing that for one night a wee but then that night ended up being used to talk about the serious stuff like the house/patenting/work etc and ended up feeling like a burden and not what id planned. When we do spend family time together like a w.es he complains or tries to get out of plans we've arranged, he gets annoyed at our toddler easily and is just always so grumpy around us both. Iv tried addressing mental health and things like that but he just dismisses it like everything else I ever come to him with. Today he said he didn't want to be in the car with us (I'm learning to drive and we had to return something so made sense for me ro practice) he moaned the whole time it was just so boring and hurtful. When I confront him that it's hurtful he just says he's joking he and doesn't apologise, but he's not joking he's for sure serious because he says it with such conviction. AiBU ?? I literally do not know what else to do, i feel like iv tried everything to get him to enjoy time with us but we are more of a burden than anything. Do I just leave?

Ducks in a row time.
There’s so much more to life than this.

Perhaps if you have more space from each other he might then enjoy some quality time? I mean, toddlers are annoying and spending every second of your working/studying life together means that when it's time to switch off he is more likely to seek alone time. Especially if he's an introvert.

Also it sounds like you are doing all the work to keep the relationship going. Personally I'd stop trying to see if there was any reaction. It will tell you what you need to know.

Otherwise maybe it is just time to leave.

OP this is no way to life and no way to demonstrate family life to your daughter. Why would you stay with him? He sounds awful. Does he have a relationship with anyone? Parents.. siblings? I predict not..

So last year I made an effort to spend time away more, I'd take my daughter to my parents house for a couple of nights and go outdoors etc as they live 3 hours away. He rarely seemed excited to see us return, he'd be there to collect us without question from the station but there is no excitement, whereas I'm opposite, and especially that my daughter doesn't get that either from him I feel like I need to be extra to make up for it.

Yes ge is extremely introverted. He is mute in most social situations unless it is 1:1 he is more talkative, or if someone addresses him directly by name and asks him a question, otherwise he won't get involved in conversation. He can come across as rude but I'm so extrovert that I make up the gap in social situations and it took me a good couple of years to note how mute he really is in social situations, even around his family.

Because he's so good otherwise, he does mornings with our daughter and they have a good bond. He otherwise checks out. He takes her swimming on a Saturday morning but after just completely switches off, I assume he's tired but he plays football without an issue 3x a week and without trying to be competitive i work, study and take on more childcare duties and still manage to enjoy family time and make plans for weekend etc. I guess we just enjoy different things. He does have a sgring friendship group from reception he's bonded with ans has strong connections with even now, he's close enough with his family that he calls them once every so often and we visit once a month etc. I wonder if I'm just asking too much. I just want to have a fun evening with him that doesn't involve TV and i just want for us to hang out spontaneously as a family without him being utterly miserable 😢

Also it sounds like you are doing all the work to keep the relationship going. Personally I'd stop trying to see if there was any reaction. It will tell you what you need to know.

@catsnore I feel like I did stop a back and it hasn't made a difference to him. It seems like he's just happy being together in the same house without a real connection, or maybe his understanding of connections is just different. I don't know anymore.

Tell him it's time to piss or get off the pot.

Yes, leave. He can be a fab parent in his contact time. Do you really envisage growing old with this man?

I am broadly an extrovert (or so I thought....) but I have found that the last thing I want to do since having small children is anything that involves any other chat etc on normal evenings.
I am all out of energy by then. If I have to focus in nurturing another relationship of an evening I feel like I might burst. I think this was always lurking (I love sitting and reading in peace and quiet and can happily travel alone) but it's really come to the fore since having children when every other walking second of the day is filled with noise.

I have had to work a bit to get my husband to understand this. We've had to communicate quite a bit about it as he was always ready for engagement in the evenings. We are now in a happy place where I can just say thay I need to zone out now and watch TV etc. BUT where I differ from your husband is that I otherwise like spending time with my family and demonstrate that. That must be very difficult for you.

Do you perhaps need to communicate with him a bit more so he understands how you interpret his lack of excitement and you understand things from his perspective?

Overall, I do think a commodity highly underrated is being in peace, silence and contentment. We don't need to be loud and chatting all of the time.

Best of luck.

I have a similar situation. DH is a good guy and my 3 yr old DS loves him (even prefers him over me) and they’re great together but DH does not enjoy family time at all.
he recently told me how he‘d spend an „ideal day„ while the kids and i are at my parents. Basically, for him to have a great day we need to be gone. He also refuses to go on family vacations because they‘re „no fun“.

i think some men are just wired that way and there‘s nothing you can do about it and you can‘t really know before because they previously had no idea what being a dad will mean either..
personally i think that my kids are better off with a dad who doesn’t enjoy being a dad than with no dad so i‘ m hanging in there and hope it‘ll get better after toddler stage.

If he has a strong friendship group that he's bonded with, is he mute with these people too?

Or does he pick and choose the people he wants to impress?

if you get free nursery hours why not put your child in nursery and work in the office for a couple of days a week. Maybe they just need some alone time to recharge as some introverts do. Worth a try but he could just be checked out of the relationship.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it seemed he was emotionally neglecting you and not showing up pre kid. I’m not sure if you thought having a kid would change that. It’s sad that what he showed you is what he is now showing your daughter. I’m all for not walking away when someone is giving 70% of needs met but if the 30% is more important to you than the 70% don’t settle for less. Teach your daughter to expect more. Hell, teach her to demand more. You know what you bring to the table, don’t be afraid to eat alone

I'm curious as to what he said about being a father before having the baby. Was he excited?

I totally hear you. I honestly think it isn’t you, it’s him and there’s nothing you can do.

On boxing day my DH said he was bored out of his mind and couldn’t wait to get back to work.

The difficulty with extrovert-introvert relationships is that extroverts get energy from being around people (like your family night) whereas introverts get energy from being alone.

It may be that after a day cooped up together he just has no more words, energy or emotional bandwidth to give to you and DC. Playing games or chatting (literally just having to use words) would be exhausting.

It’s not surprising he does the morning routine with DC and takes her swimming in the morning. This is when his social battery will be highest. He’s probably pretty depleted after that swim which is why he’s so unresponsive for the rest of the day.

Going to football isn’t particularly surprising either. It’s social lite - you can do sport with people and enjoy the activity without the pressure of talking.

If this is how he’s wired he’s not going to change as it’s just part of who he is. You need to talk about what you both need, not just about how he can meet what you need. That in itself is likely to leave him feeling even more exhausted.

Sounds like he considers you to be a domestic appliance. Why would he want to spend time doing stuff with a hoover? It's been in the room with him all day!

You can do much, much better.

Introvert mothers rarely get to check out of family life in the way that @StormingNorman suggests that this man needs to.

Has he got intimacy issues ? Sounds like he needs a short sharp shock

Sit down dear.

I’m not suggesting he should check out of family life. I’m offering an insight that might help OP understand better and find a way forward.

Should I just join the LTB brigade instead?

He's a lot more open with his friends especially those he admires. He is the same with me, he acts himself and will talk more but is not generally talkative imo in any situation.

I really appreciate this because I do genuinely feel he is the wired this way and it's a case of us communicating to find a place of understanding. I am a lot more energetic, chatty and don't really switch off until about 5 minutes before I sleep. We've settled into an evening status of no communicating whatsoever because I'm aware he's drained and that the last thing he wants to do it catch up/connect. However I feel a bit a lost in that iv trued arranging regular weekly nights, Sunday evening for example when he's recharged over the weekend and those eves just ended up us talking about the serious stuff that we never talk about because we never talk which made that time together feel no fun and too heavy for me. We just ended up fighting and I really just want to connect and feel like we love each other.

He is an amazing person and I definitely don't want to leave. I just want to feel like he enjoys time with us even if he doesn't.

Your poor child.
He has form yet you chose to inflict him on a child?
He has made his position abundantly clear, he has little interest in you or his child.
This will become increasingly clear to your poor daughter and will have a profound affect on her.
Time for you to put her well being first and stop chasing a man who can't bear to even be in a car with you.
Get your driving licence as a priority and organise to leave as soon as works best for you and your daughter logistically.

This.
He's not 'amazing'. He's openly not been interested in you for years, believe him, choose a better life for you and your kid.

I think he'll like this one if I use it the next time we argue about this... if anything he has a great sense of humour. Although I think his response would be "well I don't talk to the hoover" as he does talk to me during breaks etc, which is another thing as I have to always be receptive as he could pipe up and want to connect at any point so I need to be open to it. I tend not to burden him with stories or ask too many questions incase he's tired which he most often is. There's no real consistency to it.