He hates spending time with us

[Risingsun93]

I can't believe I'm even saying this but my partner literally hates spending time with my daughter and I, together or separately.
We've been together 5 years and have a 3yo, for the most part everything is good and he is otherwise kind and supportive. However for as long as I can remember, at least until the honeymoon phase fizzled, it has been extremely hard getting my partner to enjoy quality time together. Before daughter was born I'd ask him for his time and he'd complain and say he spends all day every day with me. For context we both work from home, we met while studying a masters and have always worked well together in studying and now in our office. But I work part time and still study a PhD while taking on most of the childcare duties so Im seldom in the office and if I have I don't have time to talk, not that he tries either He says being in the same house is us spending time together, and it's enough for him to sit next to each other while watching TV. We never talk, just passing ships, but to him that's enough. Over the years iv explained that id like an hour a night to hang out, like play games, chat, joke around, connect. While he says thats too much hassle, hes tired and if i want to do something i need to out it in the calander so i started doing that for one night a wee but then that night ended up being used to talk about the serious stuff like the house/patenting/work etc and ended up feeling like a burden and not what id planned. When we do spend family time together like a w.es he complains or tries to get out of plans we've arranged, he gets annoyed at our toddler easily and is just always so grumpy around us both. Iv tried addressing mental health and things like that but he just dismisses it like everything else I ever come to him with. Today he said he didn't want to be in the car with us (I'm learning to drive and we had to return something so made sense for me ro practice) he moaned the whole time it was just so boring and hurtful. When I confront him that it's hurtful he just says he's joking he and doesn't apologise, but he's not joking he's for sure serious because he says it with such conviction. AiBU ?? I literally do not know what else to do, i feel like iv tried everything to get him to enjoy time with us but we are more of a burden than anything. Do I just leave?

He was supportive and did everything he needed to do in the sense that he got involved with the pregnancy and planning the birth etc. I don't think there is a lot he gets excited about, I think I expect more from him because I'm so animated and emotionally driven so will show my excitement quite literally!

You don't need to analyse him or plan your next fight. Your child should not be made to live with a man who openly doesn't want or like her and her mother, don't underestimate the damage she'll be inflicted with.

I'm not sure, I think he doesn't understand emotions including his own. He is very affectionate physically, some days more than others and tends to show me he cares through that. We have a good sex life and we never finish without me getting a big O which makes him happy. When he's drunk he's even more extra about the affection. I'm also his first partner/long term relationship so I think there is am element of emotional immaturity

My ex husband was just like this. He would go out of his way to make ‘quality’ time miserable and I’m sure it was so I’d stop trying to spend time with him (we had a toddler at the time). I eventually left.

Many years later he was having a hard time in his next relationship and after attending counselling etc he ended up being diagnosed with autism. I can look back now and see that being mean to us was his way of avoiding situations he didn’t want to be in. Just a shame that he eroded our relationship to the point of divorce in the process!

I would recommend relationship counselling to try and unpick what’s going on here to see if there is a way through it that would mean you are both happy. My ex husband said some really eye opening things in our marriage counselling sessions that made me realise there was no way forward for us.

I understand what you are saying. But he does show us he loves us in other ways. He's always there if we need him, he does things if we ask, he has a really great bond with our child and he's been an amazing dad to her all throughout his life. It's just that in evenings and weekends when we are spending time together he's too tired to cope at those points and just wants to be alone. I do understand but I'm expecting more from him.

I think your partner is getting a really hard time here. I'm an extreme introvert and love my DH with all my heart, but if he suggested spending an hour together talking and playing games each evening I'm sure I'd absolutely lose it. It sounds exhausting and just way too much sensory overload when I just want to relax and read, watch TV or look at my phone to unwind when I'm all "peopled out."

This is why I didn't marry an extrovert. I dated a really nice, smart, fun one for a while but broke up with him because he was just too full on for me!

He sounds like he is possibly on the autistic spectrum. Have you considered this? If so, there are implications for your relationship and expectations, and you may benefit from exploring these.

It sounds like you're incompatible. He's not going to change; that's his energy level. It doesn't mean either of you are terrible people but if he doesn't have the emotional energy to meet your emotional needs, it's fine to reconsider the future of the relationship. Emotional connection and fun are important.

Few people are happy with purely utilitarian partnerships.

How can he be an amazing father if he doesn't want to spend time with his child in the evening and weekends.
When he does he makes the time miserable?
I simply don't accept both statements to be true.
This is very difficult for you, of that I have no doubt.
But you and your child deserve better, particularly your child, because he is not an amazing father in any sense of the word.
You are largely doing it all on your own, whilst he lives his life and has energy for football training 3 nights a week!🙄

Your poor child.
He has form yet you chose to inflict him on a child?
He has made his position abundantly clear, he has little interest in you or his child.
This will become increasingly clear to your poor daughter and will have a profound affect on her.
Time for you to put her well being first and stop chasing a man who can't bear to even be in a car with you.
Get your driving licence as a priority and organise to leave as soon as works best for you and your daughter logistically.

Yeah this was my dad growing up. He probably was autistic but the only message i got from it was that I was deeply annoying and that I had to beg for attention / prove my worth. It has deeply deeply fucked me up, especially in relation to men. I always chose men who weren't that bothered or who were irritated by me.

I get the feeling you wont do anything about this as you have convinced yourself he's a great father and they have a 'bond'. Ever thought this may be anxious attachment ?

I have a fear of this for sure. I haven't thought that she has an anxious attachment to him. I surely feel that leaving would only make things worse, greater burden on me and more anxiety around their relationship? Is there anything you'd think could help given that you've experienced this, other than breaking the relationship.

I’m an introvert too and finishing work sends a switch off signal to my brain. You may be more chatty if you have lunch together or go out for a coffee on your WFH days.

Well if he won’t change and you won’t leave, then you’ll just have to put up with it. What else can you do? Change your own personality? My guess is you will leave eventually as he sounds so boring/uninterested.

Life’s too short to be miserable.

The biggest concern is your DD. She's only little now and you can compensate for him, but as she gets older she will pick up that he's not interested in her and that could do her a lot of harm.

For instance if she wants Daddy to play with her. If you do instead that will distract her now, but before long she will start to notice and in her mind interpret that as Daddy doesn't like her. So she tries harder and harder to please him but never succeeds in getting his attention and time. That's going to damage her self worth. You can take on board that this might be an introvert/extrovert dynamic but she won't be able to.

He sounds quite extreme and I think you need to protect her from that.