Punished for having my life in order?

[Jasmine222]

I’ve been struggling with these feelings for a while and would like to know if they’re justified or not, so I thought I’d post here and ask.
I have 3 siblings – we’re 3 sisters.

I’m married with a good career, my husband also has a good career, think lawyer + doctor. We have 3 kids. We’re both very busy but very organized, always have after-school activities and school holidays planned and mapped out, we alternate taking annual leave or organize after-school clubs/summer school clubs for the kids. My mother-in-law is disabled and can’t babysit our kids. I can work from home quite a bit and always try to do that when the kids are ill or life is hectic, rather than calling on Grandparents. I’m quite a private person, our marriage has been rocky for a while but I don’t share that information with my sisters or parents and prefer to work things out on my own. Either we’ll stay together or we won’t, but right now logistically it makes sense for us to stay together while our kids are small. We don’t argue in front of them, they’re mostly unaware of our personal issues.

My sister Nr 1 is self-employed and chaotic. Her husband is also self-employed and chaotic. They work late nights, often improvise and work things out last minute, often discover they don’t have a babysitter available for their kids. They often call on my Mum to help and she babysits their kids irregularly but very frequently (1-2x per week on average).

My sister Nr 2 is divorced and struggling to make ends meet. Consequently, my Mum looks after her daughter regularly 3x per week and irregularly whenever her daughter is ill or when my sister has to work late.

The issue I have is, I don’t feel able to ask my Mum for help myself, on the rare occasion that I could do with it, because she’s so busy with my sisters. Whenever my Mum agrees to babysit, one of my sisters always needs something and it’s always more important than whatever we have planned. For example, we’re planning to go to the theatre, but one of my sisters’ kids falls ill and so Mum ends up helping out with my sisters instead. I feel overlooked because I have my life in order, the vibe I get is ‘’you don’t need me and your sisters do’’. I can’t tell her, because when I try, she tells me that I should be glad I have money, security, a decent job, that I’m ‘’all sorted’’, that I’m more capable than my sisters and they need her much more. As a result, I’ve emotionally distanced myself from her over the years, and then I get told that ‘’I never come to visit’’. But when I do come to visit, my sisters’ kids are always there and I end up feeling like I’m inconveniencing my Mum who’s overwhelmed with other grandchildren. I can never plan peaceful visits in advance because something else always comes up and my visit gets postponed. So I’ve just stopped planning visits.

I’m just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling this way, and whether anyone has any advice on how to make my Mum understand that I don’t her help regularly or even irregularly, just occasionally, but on the rare occasion that I do need her help or that I would like to visit, I’d love to feel prioritized. Is that unreasonable?

Well you need to be honest with her & tell her how you feel & perhaps maybe your marital problems. I see her POV though as she probably feels the single parents, ones with more financial burden need more help.

I think you should still try & visit even if the visits aren’t your ideal situation.

You need to gently explain exactly what you've said here.

Point out that it's not you who is pushing your DM aside, it's her and her constant one sided support of the other two. That anytime you try and plan things they are cancelled as a result of your sister's and their needs.

Say that you feel very much sidelined by this and so, due to this behaviour you've got the hint and sort your own stuff out without her help. I would put the blame squarely on them!

As for whether you pursue a relationship with any of them, that's up to you but it sounds like they expect you to do all the hard work whilst your sisters are still allowed to be clueless and overly supported.

Personally I couldn't stand the chaos and one sided behaviour.

not sure 'punished' is the right word? she's doing her best to suport her other daughters who are not as well off as you. It's not malicious?

have you spoken to her about it? maybe invite her over/arrange a night away you and her - just stewing about it won't solve it.

If you are one of three, you have two siblings.

Why can't you use babysitters, that way it's a proper booking that won't mess up your plans.

You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel sidelined … she thinks she is doing the right thing and probably doesn’t understand how you feel.

If after talking to her nothing changes then you can walk away knowing you tried

Its really not a question of reasonable or unreasonable. You feel the way you feel. You are the forgotten or glass child (people look right through you) in a chaotic family in which the squeaky wheels get the grease. In a sense your entire, organized, quietly miserable life is a kind of reaction against the way your natal family, under the guidance of your mother, lurches from disaster to disaster.

You are in trouble but have kept that from your mother—the babysitting is more than a utilitarian need, for you—it stands in for attention, empathy, sympathy, and maternal connection that you crave but which your mother overspends wildly on your sisters leaving nothing for you.

Ask your mother out and tell her hiw you feel and what is really goung on in your marriage. If you think she is a wise and caring counselor who can strp up and give you the care and concern you crave. If she operates more as an exasperated fire fighter her comfort and attention may be more painful than helpful.

I think you need to separate out the two things here

1. your need for your mum’s help. In all honesty you could probably book and pay for a babysitter. I doubt you want to become more incompetent or needy or disclose your marital issues just so you get more help from your mum.

2. your wish for your mum’s company and to feel like you are important to her. This is something you should explain to her: that you feel you never get to see her (and your kids don’t either) because there is always a sibling need that comes up. I wonder if you put it like that, might she carve out some sacrosanct time to spend with you/DC? Then it isn’t a question of “who needs me more practically speaking” but “how will Jasmine222 feel if I cancel this”.

We had this.

Although it was with my dxH's family.

There were two boys and a girl. The boys married and had two kids each. The girl didn't marry and had (to date) seven kids.

Every time any relative went to see them the girl and the girl's family were invited round. They rarely saw the boys or their families because every day they were looking after some combination of her seven kids,

They gave her vast amounts of money - they boys had been to uni and both married teachers so were ok. The girl was partnered with a labourer (who was absolutely lovely bloke) but they never had any money.

Eventually they got fed up with being constant childcare - it took 14 years though. They still don't spend much time with either of the boys or their families. Both boys have given up and don't bother much with them.

The dad is now quite ill, but while the boys are happy to pay for care they feel that their position in his affections was made very clear and they won't be proving care. The girl has seven kids the youngest of whom is two so neither will she.

Fundmentally she is making your position clear. We tried having conversations and they were not successful. Good luck.

In fairness, the example you give isn't a great one- your sisters kid being ill is more important than you going to the theatre.

I think you should just go to your mums more often, and look a little bit more closely at why you don't want to be more open with her? I think it would be beneficial to you to be a bit closer with your family, especially if things are bad with your husband. You sound like you want to have control over everything - but being vulnerable with your family is no bad thing.

Yes sorry- I was thinking of my 3 kids when I wrote that, I'm used to writing "I have 3 kids". I have 2 siblings.

You are creating a fascade but are distancing your mum because she can’t see behind the wall you have built to protect yourself.
You sound as if you are struggling OP. Trying to be something your not is exhausting.
I think a lot of your frustrations are to do with the state of your marriage rather than simply your mum - who sounds like she would try and help, if she knew what you are going through

I guess the thing is, I don't want to feel I have to reveal personal information in order to gain a little of my Mum's help or company. I wish she would respect that I'm a private person who prefers to deal with her own life, but also offer me some occasional company or help "Just because I'm her daughter"...isn't that enough? I guess not...

I feel sorry for your mum. She seems to be everyones back up and support human. She is probably very relieved that you don't need to ask for as much as your sisters do. It doesn't mean that you matter less to her, just that you at least give her a well deserved break and don't rely on her to make your life function. I think she really appreciates you but she sounds quite overwhelmed by your two sisters reliance on her. Where are all the dads and FILs in all of this? It's always the women who are expected to provide childcare.

Same in my family. My mum spends all her time enabling one of my brothers to lurch from one disaster to another. She hasn't ever helped me because I don't need it. Guess who she expects to help her now she's in her 80s? In my experience you won't be able to sort this issue with a conversation. You'll just have to find a way to live with it. My coping mechanism is to be glad my life is not the shit mess my brothers' is. My other brother chose to move far away which is another way of coping.

But that makes it sound like you only want to be around her because she can help you. You are keeping her at arms length emotionally but you want her to offer you childcare help.

But for your mother intimacy grows out of dependency. She doesn’t know how to be intimate with you if she is not rescuing you. I think you might benefit from an old book on this topic: Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Intimacy. Its not a question of what you deserve—you deserve all the love in the world from your mum—but a question of how you can overcome her programming and yours and enter into a more authentic relationship wiith her. I would slso reccomend How to talk so kids will listen/how to listen so kids will talk because it sounds like the conversations you want to have sort of stall out and you both fall into old patterns—you deny her any confessions or weaknesses, she stops asking because you don’t feed her rescuer side.

I can understand what you’re saying but you are in a more privileged position in many ways eg can afford childcare, to arrange a last minute babysitter, someone to co-parent with. Why don’t you start inviting your mum to visit your home instead of going to hers so she’s less likely to be distracted? Then build up your bond from there

Ah yes, the problem of being the kids who have their shit together. Definitely true for us. My wife and I have always been self reliant. Always worked. Always paid our bills. Never over stretched ourselves. As a result both sets of grandparents basically ignore us and spend their time, effort, (and money) on our siblings who are less self reliant. Are we resentful? Yep. When it's been brought up in conversation it gets blown up into an argument and we're made to feel very guilty for even mentioning them favouring one child over the other. But having had conversations with friends it really is a common occurrence which we will try not to repeat with our kids.

100% this.

I was thinking exactly the same I feel very sorry for your Mother.

Your Mother isn't a mind reader, so if you choose to keep everything private she assuming your life is fine.

why would you have to reveal personal information? tbh most families know a bit about each others lives.

Tell you mum what you said in the OP. Either she'll take it on board or not. Either she'll help or not. TBH being a parent - as you should know with 3 DCs - doesn't mean doing the same thing for the same amount of hours for each of them, it means supporting them in different ways at different times. I get that you feel left out, but maybe your time will come?

Taking the 3 adults out of it your dm should be nurturing relationships with all of her dgc imo. My ex ils had zero say in helping sil raise her 6 dc... My dc never had any sort of relationship with ils as they simply had no time. Exh refused to discuss it with me or them. I tried. My dc got 2 hours a week without sil and her brood there. If it had been my dm not mil I def would have spelled out the unfairness on the dc.

also, tbh, you should be telling your mum to do less for your sisters because it is too much for her. She has raised her family and she should be doing things for her. (although maybe she does want to do this)

Why not invite your mum out for coffee and cake, or a walk or whatever? talk to her like an adult human, not just someone who you can use for ad hoc childcare.

You can afford a babysitter yet your sisters mosy likely can not...but I undertstand how it feels unfair and you never get time alone with your mum.

I feel sorry for your mum really, she seems always be with her grandkids? where is her me time? her time spend with her grown DDs without feeling she has an obligation to babysit.

Maybe its worth exploring that topic with your mum? where your dad in all of this anyway?