Punished for having my life in order?

[Jasmine222]

I’ve been struggling with these feelings for a while and would like to know if they’re justified or not, so I thought I’d post here and ask.
I have 3 siblings – we’re 3 sisters.

I’m married with a good career, my husband also has a good career, think lawyer + doctor. We have 3 kids. We’re both very busy but very organized, always have after-school activities and school holidays planned and mapped out, we alternate taking annual leave or organize after-school clubs/summer school clubs for the kids. My mother-in-law is disabled and can’t babysit our kids. I can work from home quite a bit and always try to do that when the kids are ill or life is hectic, rather than calling on Grandparents. I’m quite a private person, our marriage has been rocky for a while but I don’t share that information with my sisters or parents and prefer to work things out on my own. Either we’ll stay together or we won’t, but right now logistically it makes sense for us to stay together while our kids are small. We don’t argue in front of them, they’re mostly unaware of our personal issues.

My sister Nr 1 is self-employed and chaotic. Her husband is also self-employed and chaotic. They work late nights, often improvise and work things out last minute, often discover they don’t have a babysitter available for their kids. They often call on my Mum to help and she babysits their kids irregularly but very frequently (1-2x per week on average).

My sister Nr 2 is divorced and struggling to make ends meet. Consequently, my Mum looks after her daughter regularly 3x per week and irregularly whenever her daughter is ill or when my sister has to work late.

The issue I have is, I don’t feel able to ask my Mum for help myself, on the rare occasion that I could do with it, because she’s so busy with my sisters. Whenever my Mum agrees to babysit, one of my sisters always needs something and it’s always more important than whatever we have planned. For example, we’re planning to go to the theatre, but one of my sisters’ kids falls ill and so Mum ends up helping out with my sisters instead. I feel overlooked because I have my life in order, the vibe I get is ‘’you don’t need me and your sisters do’’. I can’t tell her, because when I try, she tells me that I should be glad I have money, security, a decent job, that I’m ‘’all sorted’’, that I’m more capable than my sisters and they need her much more. As a result, I’ve emotionally distanced myself from her over the years, and then I get told that ‘’I never come to visit’’. But when I do come to visit, my sisters’ kids are always there and I end up feeling like I’m inconveniencing my Mum who’s overwhelmed with other grandchildren. I can never plan peaceful visits in advance because something else always comes up and my visit gets postponed. So I’ve just stopped planning visits.

I’m just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling this way, and whether anyone has any advice on how to make my Mum understand that I don’t her help regularly or even irregularly, just occasionally, but on the rare occasion that I do need her help or that I would like to visit, I’d love to feel prioritized. Is that unreasonable?

Turn it around the other way: why would your mother want to spend time with you if you are emotionally distant? If she can feel that the company she offers you is just small talk and you don't want to confide in her about your actual life, then it's no wonder that she spends more time with her other children.

There will be an element of you projecting an air of not needing her, and of course she will prioritise the children who do need her, but more than that it sounds like you want her company and help just in order to have a share of what your siblings have, not because you want her for herself.

Even if, for whatever reason, you don't want to confide in her about your marital difficulties, do you share other parts of your life with her, that are serious and meaningful, not just presenting a rosy picture? Because if it's all wrapped up in being a 'private person', then it seems as though you're treating your own mother like a casual acquaintance.

I think you’re painting her in the worst possible light with how you phrased that OP. You can’t expect her to be a mind reader. It sounds like she has a lot going on and a lot of people needing support from her. She is a person in her own right too. I don’t mean that horribly, I just say it from experience that I have sometimes realised my expectations of my own Mum are not really fair on her.

Why don't you just tell her all this, gently.

I agree with @Brefugee. Invite your Mum out for coffee, over to your house, etc. and build your relationship from there. She’s not the family
babysitter, she’s a person in her own right.

We've had something like this in DH’s family, in that his parents always prioritize one sibling who apparently has more problems from the others-except she doesn’t really, she’s fine!
My DH’s solution is exactly what @Brefugee suggests. He takes his parents out and has fun. He even took them on holiday last year, they loved it and they spent quality together. They mainly do chores for his sister!

It's almost like you only want to see her as long as she's providing you with childcare and because she isn't, you punish her by keeping her at arms' length and not sharing anything.

I feel really sorry for her, she's doing so much for everyone and instead of wanting to reduce her load and just spend time with her as mother/daughter, you want her to do even more!

Yanbu.

My husband and I are doing well in that we bought a house by saving hard and progressing in our careers - both do exams and my husband is still doing some exams.

My BIL however gets the family house to live in rent three with his partner and her two sons… they then had a baby pretty much straight away. PIL moved out to a two bed house.

We were home owners for about 5/6 years until we had our first baby because of costs and the mortgage etc. the only reason we have a house is because we’ve worked hard for it! Whereas BIL bumbles around working for mates not really doing anything and he gets a 3 bed family house in south west london rent free! It’s not fair and my husband resents his parents because of this unsurprisingly. Tbh we try not to have much to do with his parents anymore.

It sounds like your DM is overwhelmed by constant babysitting at short notice. She can't say no to your sisters but she sees you as having your act together so can cope. I'm sure if your sisters were as organised as you, she would love to have your children to stay but she just doesn't have the time/energy to have them. She's doing her best to support your sisters, rather than tell her directly could you ask in advance if you want her to babysit and maybe say ' Mum, this night out is really important to us and the children are so excited at staying with you, please let me know now if you don't feel you can squeeze us in'.
She's doing her best in her eyes to support the families that aren't as organised as you. She knows you can cope. But equally you want her to have a positive relationship with your children too. If you're going to visit, ask in advance when she's free and has time for your children. Organise a nice day out that she will enjoy and doesn't involve minding children. If there are last minute requests for babysitting from your sisters, tell your Mum you won't be coming as you wanted a nice day out where she could relax with you and your family.

DH is one of three and yes we have your dynamic is our life.

For all those comments about being more open with your own struggles. We found the in+laws could be quite dismissive once someone had nailed a role.
Relationship troubles? Couldn't be as bad as BIL
Work stress? Nothing could be as tough as SIL

Although over the years we all had tough patches but nothing trumped those roles once the medal had been awarded. Even though we certainly won the work stress, had to sacrifice work opportunities due to lack of childcare in the short term.

It has also ruined the grandchild relationship. MIL was always had the other kids there which she spun as hanging out together. But because the other kids were there more often, more confident, more demanding, ours always felt on the back foot. Even as teens/ young adults, trying to establish a relationship independent of us, there's always another grandchild there or on the phone or being considered.
As our kids get older, we do acknowledge it. It is important and its made me reflect on how I will relate to my kids as they move into adulthood.
Make me a better parent!

Yep, the one in trouble gets all the attention. Then the one quietly getting on with their life is glossed over.

Yes, like PP have suggested, a conversation may help. But unlikely. Your mother will at some point realise she barely knows you or your children, and by that point it will be too late. Probably around the same time she wants help/support from you, as your siblings couldn't possibly be expected to look after her. (I am probably projecting at this point...)

And no, you are not being unreasonable feeling the way you do.

I'm not picking through the posts OP to quote the posters who have talked about how to approach being more open with your mum, but there are some good suggestions.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I've experienced this myself both personally and professionally. It's very hurtful.

Where my advice differs is here. Please do not tell your Mum about your difficult marital situation at this stage. It sounds fragile and you have no idea how your mum will respond. Your feelings are valid and you don't need to explain why it's especially sensitive. I've seen lots of mums, including in my own family, roll out all of the usual excuses. If your mum acknowledges your feelings and makes changes to her behaviour, then you might think about whether or not you want to share more detail. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, is it something you could do? It seems important for you to have a safe space and a trusted person.

You say yourself that you’ve emotionally distanced yourself from her for years, so it’s likely your two sisters are much closer to her than you are at the moment.

Forget about the babysitting, you don’t need it, you can afford a babysitter or alternative childcare and it seems like your mother is already rushed off her feet with babysitting duties. Focus on building a better relationship with your mother.

I think the second point here is almost why the first point isn’t quite working - she could pay for a babysitter but her children also lose out on time with grandparents if that becomes the default, whereas the siblings’ children will have the opportunity to form much closer relationships because they see them so much.

Yes, I agree - but I think OP needs to reframe it as wanting to see her mum and wanting her kids to see their gran, rather than “needing babysitting” because from a pure need perspective the siblings will always win.

As our kids get older, we do acknowledge it. It is important and its made me reflect on how I will relate to my kids as they move into adulthood.
Make me a better parent!

@Antfav I agree, I’ve learnt a lot from observing the differing treatment my in-laws give to their adult children and I hope I can be more equitable with my children. I’m an only so I didn’t realize how differently siblings can be treated, especially if some are viewed as more on top of their lives than others. Food for thought!

Just want to thank you all for the helpful responses..

Of course you are entitled to feel that way.

I can’t tell her, because when I try, she tells me that I should be glad I have money, security, a decent job, that I’m ‘’all sorted’’, that I’m more capable than my sisters and they need her much more. As a result, I’ve emotionally distanced myself from her over the years, and then I get told that ‘’I never come to visit’’.

then just tell her that.

No, you shouldn't be GLAD you work harder than your sisters. You come from the same household, same start in life, same education. They chose to do it differently.

Your mum has chosen, indirectly, to see you distancing yourself. What's your choice?

Your mum could tell your sister: no, I can't help you today, I already accepted to help Jasmine. It's her own choice not to say no to your sisters.

Take it as a massive lesson, when you have kids and treat them differently, this happens. You can only try not to make the same mistake and not play favourites with your own.

Probably around the same time she wants help/support from you, as your siblings couldn't possibly b expected to look after her. (I am probably projecting at this point...)

I bet you are not projecting

but it's not too early to point out that help/ support will have to come from the ones who receive help and not to expect too much otherwise